{"id":1405,"date":"2016-11-15T10:22:54","date_gmt":"2016-11-15T14:22:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/jerseygirljesus\/?p=1405"},"modified":"2016-11-15T10:22:54","modified_gmt":"2016-11-15T14:22:54","slug":"the-defiance-of-love-on-glennon-and-hate-and-moms-with-transgender-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/jerseygirljesus\/the-defiance-of-love-on-glennon-and-hate-and-moms-with-transgender-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"The Defiance of Love: On Glennon, And Hate, And Moms With Transgender Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

A few days ago, I got an email from another mom. Now, moms \u2014 we have a special language. It can cross the air with just the lock of our eyes. The mama-bear love we have for our kids is palpable, and when we\u2019re in a room together, we can practically feel it emanating from each other, run our fingers through it the way we might mindlessly play with the sand when we\u2019re sitting on a beach. Even when we\u2019ve never met, our souls have their own vocabulary, our hearts a vernacular of their very own.<\/p>\n

This mom had a very special message. She had something her heart wanted to say, and she needed a safe place to say it. I\u2019m happy that she thought I would be a safe haven for her. Because you see, her child is gender non-conforming.<\/p>\n

I knew I\u2019d write about her letter (with her permission, of course, which she gave) eventually, but I didn\u2019t think it would be so soon. But then last night I was scrolling through Facebook \u2014 despite the minefield THAT platform has become lately \u2014 and one of my friends posted a congratulatory message to HIS friend, Glennon Doyle Melton, after she announced that she\u2019s in love with a woman.<\/p>\n

And I thought \u2014 whoa<\/em>. Then I thought, \u201cWow! That\u2019s awesome. I wish them luck!\u201d And then I thought, \u201cOh, shit*. Here it all comes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Meaning the hate.<\/p>\n

The hate that will get piled on her head. Heaped up on her and Abby, big shovels full of it, fueling the hatefires. And now that we\u2019ve got the self-proclaimed leader of the alt-right as a key adviser to the President-Elect, I\u2019m pretty sure it\u2019s going to be even worse.<\/p>\n

And I think, what is my place in all of this?<\/p>\n

I know I am a warrior. Mine is the heart of an activist. I am the one who speaks up, who points out, who says, \u201cHold up there, Skippy, that was out of line.\u201d And it\u2019s exhausting.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s exhausting because when I\u2019m trying to tell people they are hurting me, us, when I\u2019m trying to say \u201cHey, you\u2019re marginalizing me, you\u2019re making me less than,\u201d some of you tell me, \u201cLighten up,\u201d or \u201cNo I\u2019m not,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re being divisive.\u201d And of course I don\u2019t want to be divisive, but I can\u2019t help but think that some people are\u00a0okay with everything as long as I just stay quiet. \u00a0And every time you say, \u201cLighten up,\u201d or \u201cNo I\u2019m not,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re being divisive,\u201d it\u2019s just another way to silence me, to tell me to stop pointing out what I feel is injustice.<\/p>\n

Last night, I had the opportunity to talk to a man who\u2019d made a comment. This is a good man, and I know his heart is good and right. But he made this comment without realizing, perhaps, the effect it had on my daughter, to whom it had been directed. I went to him in private, and I said, \u201cMay I have a hard conversation with you?\u201d He said yes. I explained my position. And he said words that were music to my ears.<\/p>\n

He said, \u201cCan you explain that a little bit more<\/em>?\u201d<\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t try to deny it. He didn\u2019t tell me I was being an asshole or that I should lighten up. He didn\u2019t try to explain how I should experience my experience. He listened. He told me what he had been trying to do (and I listened). And then he asked me, \u201cWhat would you have preferred? What should I have said in that moment?\u201d And I told him, and he got it, and I said thank you, and it was over.<\/p>\n

Not just over \u2014 I feel like he and I kind of bonded. I felt heard. He learned something. Because he didn\u2019t minimize my experience, I didn\u2019t get angry. Because I was calm and kind, he didn\u2019t get defensive. It was the perfect conflict management, and I thought, if only we could do this on Facebook<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But what will happen on Facebook instead \u2014 and I can fall into this trap, too, as I try to speak out against injustice \u2014 is a whole lot of yelling and denial of the other person\u2019s voice.<\/p>\n

Which brings me to the mom of the transgender kid.<\/p>\n

When I realized my voice might have a tiny little platform here on Patheos, I quietly committed to use that platform to give voice to the marginalized. You may remember the post I wrote when a transgender person wrote to me<\/a>, and I shared her words here on this blog.<\/p>\n

Well, this mom \u2014 a\u00a0mom<\/em> you guys. With a young child! \u2014 wrote an open letter to Christians, and it\u2019s an important letter that I hope you\u2019ll hear. I hope, like the man I spoke to last night, that you\u2019ll open your heart to this hard conversation. Pull up a chair. Have a cup of coffee with us. Let\u2019s listen to the hard words without defense or argument. Let\u2019s just let them flow over us in love and notice our discomfort. Let us honor her personhood and in the process honor that of her child.<\/p>\n

Read on to hear the words of a transgender kid\u2019s mom.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

First, she says she is baffled:<\/p>\n

Your insistence that you love the sinner but hate the sin, and your decision to direct this approach almost entirely to LGBTQ people, baffles me. I am baffled because you claim that you have no choice; as a Christian, you are required by God to be against same-sex sexual practices and by extension relationships or identities that are connected to such practices. Because you see, I am a Christian too and I see no contradiction between same-sex sexuality or gender non-conformity and Christianity.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It\u2019s true. There are those of us who can only see their version of \u201cBiblical\u201d. They see a scripture describe a sin, and when they look up from their Bibles all of a sudden all they can see is sin all around them, and they stop seeing people \u2014 whole people. People with joys and loves and dislikes and talents and a whole plethora of other things that make them beautiful children of God, capable of loving God, and loving people.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

This mom, like me, is tired of how Christians are always represented. Read her words on the next page.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

She goes on to say:<\/p>\n

So I am not surprised that we disagree about what our shared God calls us to do. I am surprised that you refuse to acknowledge it. In all the letters you write, the comments you make in social media, the interviews you give, the things you shout at rallies and demonstrations, you give no indication that we disagree about the place of LGBTQ people in Christianity. Instead you arrogantly claim your position as THE Christian position. And I cannot allow you to do that anymore, because what you have done goes beyond a theological interpretation; you are causing (and I am borrowing the words of a friend whom you\u2019ve targeted) \u201cspiritual violence\u201d to people with your words, and your actions, and as a Christian I am called to stop you.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And it is spiritual violence. Every time we decide another person will be judged, or that God has determined a whole part of that person\u2019s very identity is sinful, that is spiritually violent. And it does serious damage.<\/p>\n

But this mom is committed to love defiantly. Read her words on the next page.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

You know how strongly you feel about your position? Your certainty that God condemns same-sex sexuality? I am just as certain that God does not. I am just as certain that you are wrong, that your interpretation of the Bible is wrong and that your actions that emerge from that interpretation are wrong. I do not just think that you are on the wrong side of history; I think that you are on the wrong side of God. But here is what I am NOT going to do about it: I am not going to push you out of my church, or shun you from my family. I am not going to lobby my legislature to create laws that deny you civil rights, or tell you which bathroom you should use, or claim that you are a threat to my children. I am not, even though some days I really want to, going to say things about you and to you that make you feel less than human, unworthy of a place in our society. I am not going to make you feel unloved.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I don\u2019t think I need to editorialize here. She brings it to the personal on the next page.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u2026my youngest child is gender non-conforming. Identified as female at birth, she started several years ago to identify more and more as a boy. Now she has short hair, wears boys clothes, and looks to most of the world as a boy. She hasn\u2019t fully committed to making a transition; she might not be sure exactly what box she fits in or if she even feels like she fits any of our given categories at all. She also might be terrified to make a transition to being a boy because of the culture to which you have contributed that tells her she is wrong. She knows for sure that the world was not built for people like her. She is reminded of that every time she needs to use a bathroom in public.<\/p>\n

Oh the bathrooms! Let me tell you about bathrooms. My child does not feel like she belongs in any gendered bathroom, and do you know how hard it is to find a unisex public restroom along rural highways? (Shout out to Starbucks for being a reliable supplier of such restrooms \u2013 I will always remain a loyal customer even though your coffee isn\u2019t my favorite.) Because if we can\u2019t find one, my child freezes in terror and tells me in a tiny voice, \u201cI\u2019ll just hold it.\u201d She knows that she is different, and as her mother every day I try to affirm that whoever she is, it is okay. That she is okay. That she is God\u2019s gift to me.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But\u00a0guys,\u00a0<\/em>what about Starbucks pagan\u00a0coffee cups???<\/em><\/p>\n

Listen. Please just listen. We need more listening in this world. Hear this mom, and her love for her child, who isn\u2019t being conditioned into anything, who isn\u2019t \u201cmaking a choice to be gay.\u201d This is a kid who\u2019s just living out the identity that came with the original packaging. We need to love them both enough to let them figure that out.<\/p>\n

We need to love Glennon enough to let her figure herself out.<\/p>\n

We need to love our LGBTQ friends enough to let them be who they are. And we don\u2019t need to bludgeon them for it.<\/p>\n

I leave you with the words of Jesus:<\/p>\n

\n

Love God.<\/h2>\n

Love your neighbor.<\/h2>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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