Genesis \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0God makes everything and it\u2019s really good for about 3.2 seconds.
\nExodus \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
\nLeviticus<\/strong>\u00a0\u2013 STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.
\nNumbers \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.
\nDeuteronomy \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.<\/p>\nJoshua \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.
\nJudges \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.
\nRuth \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.<\/em>
\n1 Samuel \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0David & Goliath.
\n2 Samuel \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.
\n1 Kings \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!
\n2 Kings \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys\u2026
\n1 Chronicles \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0A sweeping documentary of Israel\u2019s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.
\n2 Chronicles \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0A sweeping documentary of Israel\u2019s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has\u2014PART 2.<\/p>\nEzra \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.
\nNehemiah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.
\nEsther \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of\u00a0Game of Thrones<\/em>, plus way more clothing.<\/p>\nJob \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Hebrew country music song.
\nPsalms \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.
\nProverbs \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON\u2019T FOLLOW HIM.
\nEcclesiastes \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Everything is meaningless, except everything isn\u2019t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.
\nSong of Solomon \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Go ask your parents.<\/p>\nIsaiah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Make Worship Great Again!
\nJeremiah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.
\nLamentations \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0:'(
\nEzekiel \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.
\nDaniel \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.<\/p>\nHosea \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nJoel \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nAmos \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nObadiah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nJonah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.
\nMicah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nNahum \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nHabakkuk \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nZephaniah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nHaggai \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nZechariah \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.
\nMalachi \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Minor prophet who\u2019s not Jonah\u2014feel free to skip.<\/p>\nMatthew \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.
\nMark \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.
\nLuke \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.
\nJohn \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.<\/p>\nActs \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur\u2019s worst nightmare.
\nRomans \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0God justifies, man screws stuff up.
\n1 Corinthians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.
\n2 Corinthians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.
\nGalatians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Romans but shorter.
\nEphesians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.
\nPhilippians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0You can win sports games through Jesus.
\nColossians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.<\/p>\n1 Timothy \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Ladies, plz stop talking.
\n2 Timothy \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in\u00a0Return of the Jedi<\/em>.
\n1 Thessalonians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.
\n2 Thessalonians \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.
\nTitus \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.
\nPhilemon \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Paul\u2019s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.<\/p>\nHebrews \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.
\nJames \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Act more gooder, people.
\n1 Peter \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0U gonna suffer fam.
\n2 Peter \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Bro, Paul\u2019s really confusing plz help.
\n1 John \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0God is love m\u2019kay?
\n2 John \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Yup, He\u2019s still love.
\n3 John \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.
\nJude \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.
\nRevelation \u2013<\/strong>\u00a0Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Hilarious. Each book of the Bible in one sentence. Genesis \u2013\u00a0God makes everything and it\u2019s really good for about 3.2 seconds. Exodus \u2013\u00a0YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Leviticus\u00a0\u2013 STOP DOING GROSS STUFF. Numbers \u2013\u00a0Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions. Deuteronomy \u2013\u00a0I SAID […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":197,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-72133","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n
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