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<\/a>By Corey Farr<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\nMyth: Singleness is a \u201cspecial calling\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\nAround the time I was 17-18(ish), I became convinced that I might be \u201ccalled\u201d to singleness and celibacy for life. I\u2019m not sure what first stirred the idea in me, but I was zealous about it. I started wearing my purity ring (remember those?) on the ring finger on my\u00a0left hand,\u00a0<\/em>where a wedding ring \u201cshould\u201d go. When people asked if I was married, I would take share about my commitment to celibacy. I was \u201cmarried to Jesus\u201d or \u201cmarried to the Church.\u201d<\/p>\nFast forward a few years, and things had changed. Now I wanted to find a girl, to get married, to have a family. I was searching desperately for\u00a0someone<\/em>. I\u2019d keep a running inventory of eligible bachelorettes at our church, weeding them out\u00a0first by physical appearance, then by Facebook stalking, and only after they passed those two tests by\u00a0<\/strong>maybe\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>actually having a conversation<\/strong>\u00a0with them. (This may be common practice, but it\u2019s pretty twisted when you think about it.) Usually these conversations were no more than a few awkward greetings and clumsy small talk, but I\u2019d inevitably find myself on the emotional roller coaster of reading layers of meaning into every smile, every glance \u2013 every ambiguous scrap of microscopic body-language evidence.<\/p>\nThis didn\u2019t just happen at church \u2013 it was everywhere. I may have set a standard that I only wanted to be with someone who shared my faith, but as long as I knew they met that requirement,\u00a0the vetting process felt as natural as breathing.<\/strong>\u00a0I would run every girl I saw through my own internal candidacy test when visiting other churches, going to conferences, prayer meetings, camps and retreats, even just hanging out with different friend groups. The analysis would kick in immediately, the evaluations became almost automatic, and the tension was thick.<\/p>\nAlright, so I may be exaggerating a bit. Maybe I wasn\u2019t constantly obsessed with finding a girlfriend, but it was a high priority. And maybe I wasn\u2019t constantly objectifying women, but it came in waves, and sometimes those waves crashed over my head with an undertow that threatened to pull my heart out to sea.<\/p>\n
\nSingleness isn\u2019t a special calling. In fact, it\u2019s the most common, ordinary, \u201cun-special\u201d calling in the whole Body of Christ!<\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\nThe funny thing is, both of these seemingly polar opposite stages of my life \u2013 the passionate commitment to lifelong singleness and the constant scanning for potential partners \u2013 were foundationally rooted in one of the most pervasive and toxic ideas the Church has about singleness: that it is a \u201cspecial calling\u201d which is (almost) always a lifelong commitment.\u00a0In other words, if you\u2019re not called to singleness for your whole life, then you had better be actively searching for someone.<\/strong><\/p>\nThe way I talked about my singleness when I was a teenager was rooted in this idea. I had to decide \u2013 and commit! \u2013 right then, at 17 years old, if my Facebook status would be \u201csingle\u201d until the day I died. Or at least until Facebook finally followed in the footsteps of Myspace and Xanga (RIP) and was laid to rest.<\/p>\n
When I moved away from the idea of lifelong singleness, I still held this false belief that singleness must be a special calling.<\/strong>\u00a0Since I was no longer 100% certain about my commitment to celibacy forever and ever \u2013 \u2018til death do me, myself, and I part \u2013 that meant\u00a0I\u00a0must\u00a0<\/em>be destined for marriage.<\/strong>\u00a0And\u00a0that\u00a0<\/em>meant I must be on the lookout.<\/p>\nFact: Singleness is for everyone<\/strong><\/h2>\nAfter an embarrassingly long time, it occurred to me:\u00a0singleness isn\u2019t a \u201cspecial calling!\u201d<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0I think it took so long because, sadly, I feel like I\u2019m the first person I know to have this (entirely uncreative) idea. Singleness isn\u2019t a special calling.\u00a0In fact, it\u2019s the most common, ordinary, \u201cun-special\u201d calling in the whole Body of Christ!<\/strong><\/p>\nAs a Body, Paul says, we\u2019ve got lots of different roles, gifts, talents, skills, strengths, weaknesses, vocations, and even \u201ccallings.\u201d But singleness is not a niche in the Christian market.\u00a0Unless you enter the Church after you have already found a partner, singleness is one of the\u00a0only things\u00a0<\/em>that\u00a0every Christian\u00a0<\/em>is called to!<\/strong>\u00a0Healthy, whole, vibrant singleness is the domain of everyone for at least some part of their life. Whether it\u2019s for a long time or a relatively short one, we all are single at some point.<\/p>\nIn no way am I denying that there is a place for a genuine calling to a lifelong or long-term commitment \u2013 or even vows \u2013 to celibacy and singleness. But I want to set that aside, push back against the narrative that says that is the only option, and shake the dust off a very old idea that for unfortunate reasons probably feels very new to us today:\u00a0singleness is for everyone.<\/em><\/p>\nWhether you are old or young, married, divorced, engaged, dating, or (of course) single, you have a responsibility to think deeply about this very fundamental idea. Because whether it\u2019s for yourself, your single friends, your kids, or a widowed family member, you have to be able to grasp what it means for a person to live a vibrant, healthy life of singleness. Because you also have a part to play in their relationship status:\u00a0they need you. We need you. I need you.<\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cGod didn\u2019t create marriage to solve your loneliness,\u201d I once heard author Preston Sprinkle say, \u201cHe created other people to solve your loneliness.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0And in that way, even if you have been happily married for decades, this is for you. Because there are single people in the Body of Christ, and you must be\u00a0for<\/em>\u00a0them. And in that way, singleness is for everyone.<\/p>\n\nUnless you enter the Church after you have already found a partner, singleness is one of the\u00a0only things\u00a0<\/em>that\u00a0every Christian\u00a0<\/em>is called to!\u00a0(<\/em>Click to share on Twitter<\/u><\/em><\/a>)<\/em><\/div>\n<\/blockquote>\nSo my advice to singles is: don\u2019t believe this dualistic lie.\u00a0Keep growing into wholeness as an individual in community<\/strong>, and don\u2019t let yourself get bogged down by the narrative that says if you aren\u2019t called to be single for life, you must\u00a0constantly\u00a0<\/em>be searching.<\/p>\n
Fast forward a few years, and things had changed. Now I wanted to find a girl, to get married, to have a family. I was searching desperately for\u00a0someone<\/em>. I\u2019d keep a running inventory of eligible bachelorettes at our church, weeding them out\u00a0first by physical appearance, then by Facebook stalking, and only after they passed those two tests by\u00a0<\/strong>maybe\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>actually having a conversation<\/strong>\u00a0with them. (This may be common practice, but it\u2019s pretty twisted when you think about it.) Usually these conversations were no more than a few awkward greetings and clumsy small talk, but I\u2019d inevitably find myself on the emotional roller coaster of reading layers of meaning into every smile, every glance \u2013 every ambiguous scrap of microscopic body-language evidence.<\/p>\n This didn\u2019t just happen at church \u2013 it was everywhere. I may have set a standard that I only wanted to be with someone who shared my faith, but as long as I knew they met that requirement,\u00a0the vetting process felt as natural as breathing.<\/strong>\u00a0I would run every girl I saw through my own internal candidacy test when visiting other churches, going to conferences, prayer meetings, camps and retreats, even just hanging out with different friend groups. The analysis would kick in immediately, the evaluations became almost automatic, and the tension was thick.<\/p>\n Alright, so I may be exaggerating a bit. Maybe I wasn\u2019t constantly obsessed with finding a girlfriend, but it was a high priority. And maybe I wasn\u2019t constantly objectifying women, but it came in waves, and sometimes those waves crashed over my head with an undertow that threatened to pull my heart out to sea.<\/p>\n The funny thing is, both of these seemingly polar opposite stages of my life \u2013 the passionate commitment to lifelong singleness and the constant scanning for potential partners \u2013 were foundationally rooted in one of the most pervasive and toxic ideas the Church has about singleness: that it is a \u201cspecial calling\u201d which is (almost) always a lifelong commitment.\u00a0In other words, if you\u2019re not called to singleness for your whole life, then you had better be actively searching for someone.<\/strong><\/p>\n The way I talked about my singleness when I was a teenager was rooted in this idea. I had to decide \u2013 and commit! \u2013 right then, at 17 years old, if my Facebook status would be \u201csingle\u201d until the day I died. Or at least until Facebook finally followed in the footsteps of Myspace and Xanga (RIP) and was laid to rest.<\/p>\n When I moved away from the idea of lifelong singleness, I still held this false belief that singleness must be a special calling.<\/strong>\u00a0Since I was no longer 100% certain about my commitment to celibacy forever and ever \u2013 \u2018til death do me, myself, and I part \u2013 that meant\u00a0I\u00a0must\u00a0<\/em>be destined for marriage.<\/strong>\u00a0And\u00a0that\u00a0<\/em>meant I must be on the lookout.<\/p>\n After an embarrassingly long time, it occurred to me:\u00a0singleness isn\u2019t a \u201cspecial calling!\u201d<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0I think it took so long because, sadly, I feel like I\u2019m the first person I know to have this (entirely uncreative) idea. Singleness isn\u2019t a special calling.\u00a0In fact, it\u2019s the most common, ordinary, \u201cun-special\u201d calling in the whole Body of Christ!<\/strong><\/p>\n As a Body, Paul says, we\u2019ve got lots of different roles, gifts, talents, skills, strengths, weaknesses, vocations, and even \u201ccallings.\u201d But singleness is not a niche in the Christian market.\u00a0Unless you enter the Church after you have already found a partner, singleness is one of the\u00a0only things\u00a0<\/em>that\u00a0every Christian\u00a0<\/em>is called to!<\/strong>\u00a0Healthy, whole, vibrant singleness is the domain of everyone for at least some part of their life. Whether it\u2019s for a long time or a relatively short one, we all are single at some point.<\/p>\n In no way am I denying that there is a place for a genuine calling to a lifelong or long-term commitment \u2013 or even vows \u2013 to celibacy and singleness. But I want to set that aside, push back against the narrative that says that is the only option, and shake the dust off a very old idea that for unfortunate reasons probably feels very new to us today:\u00a0singleness is for everyone.<\/em><\/p>\n Whether you are old or young, married, divorced, engaged, dating, or (of course) single, you have a responsibility to think deeply about this very fundamental idea. Because whether it\u2019s for yourself, your single friends, your kids, or a widowed family member, you have to be able to grasp what it means for a person to live a vibrant, healthy life of singleness. Because you also have a part to play in their relationship status:\u00a0they need you. We need you. I need you.<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cGod didn\u2019t create marriage to solve your loneliness,\u201d I once heard author Preston Sprinkle say, \u201cHe created other people to solve your loneliness.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0And in that way, even if you have been happily married for decades, this is for you. Because there are single people in the Body of Christ, and you must be\u00a0for<\/em>\u00a0them. And in that way, singleness is for everyone.<\/p>\n So my advice to singles is: don\u2019t believe this dualistic lie.\u00a0Keep growing into wholeness as an individual in community<\/strong>, and don\u2019t let yourself get bogged down by the narrative that says if you aren\u2019t called to be single for life, you must\u00a0constantly\u00a0<\/em>be searching.<\/p>\n\n
Fact: Singleness is for everyone<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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