{"id":5555,"date":"2013-03-07T06:20:55","date_gmt":"2013-03-07T12:20:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/joeljmiller\/?p=5555"},"modified":"2013-03-08T05:47:10","modified_gmt":"2013-03-08T11:47:10","slug":"parenting-need-grace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/joeljmiller\/2013\/03\/parenting-need-grace\/","title":{"rendered":"Want to see how un-Christlike you are? Try raising kids"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"fathers<\/a>
David Castillo Dominici, FreeDigitalPhotos<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p>

If you\u2019re looking for a gauge to measure how un-Christlike you are, try raising kids. At least that works pretty well for me. <\/p>\n

In The Four Loves<\/em> C.S. Lewis speaks of \u201cthe bad manners of parents to children.\u201d Ahem<\/em>. Guilty. <\/p>\n

The other day I spoke harshly to my son. An hour later he was rude, and Megan corrected him. \u201cIn our home we honor each other with our words,\u201d she told him. And I had to interrupt and apologize right there, lest I make her a hypocrite. I had not honored my son in my words and tone. <\/p>\n

Exasperating our kids<\/h2>\n

When preaching through Paul\u2019s marriage advice, pastors often make the comment that Paul has to instruct husbands to love and wives to respect, because if they\u2019re prone to going off the rails, it\u2019ll be in those directions: men growing cold and wives losing respect.<\/p>\n

Apply the same thinking to Paul\u2019s instruction to fathers. Twice he says, \u201cFathers, do no provoke your children.\u201d In the letter the Colossians he adds \u201clest they become discouraged\u201d (3.21), and he tells the Ephesians to not to provoke \u201cto anger\u201d (6.4). When I go wrong with my eldest, that\u2019s exactly the direction I head: I drive him to discouragement and frustration. <\/p>\n

I read some patristic commentaries on these verses, hoping for some dazzling insight. They mostly passed over this part, and I think it\u2019s because there\u2019s not much to unpack here. It\u2019s like Bob Newhart\u2019s \u201cStop It<\/a>\u201d routine. Paul and the fathers don\u2019t need to give a lot of advice and teaching here because the point is clear: <\/p>\n

As dads, you\u2019re prone to exasperating your kids. Don\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n

What the monk says<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m reading Elder Porphyrios\u2019 advice about parenting in the book Wounded by Love<\/em>. It slays me. <\/p>\n

\u201c[P]arents need to devote themselves to the love of God,\u201d he says. \u201cThey need to become saints in relation to their children through their mildness, patience, and love. They need to make a new start every day, with a fresh outlook, renewed enthusiasm and love for their children.\u201d <\/p>\n

Do I really do that \u2014 or do I build a file on my children, one that tallies sins more than it forgives them?<\/p>\n

Children\u2019s behavior, says the elder, \u201cis not improved by reprimands, disciplining, or strictness. If the parents do not pursue a life of holiness and if they don\u2019t engage in spiritual struggle, they make great mistakes and transmit the faults they have within them.\u201d A parent must employ \u201cdisciplinary measures,\u201d he admits but adds, \u201cAbove all, you need to pray.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lord, have mercy.<\/em> <\/p>\n

The answer is grace<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s in reading words like these that I realize how much grace I truly need. I can correct my son all day, but if it\u2019s coming from a hard heart, I will only close his. I will, as the apostle warned, drive him to discouragement or worse.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a prayer in the Orthodox church for parents that has these words: \u201cO Righteous Judge, who punishes children for the sins of their parents, punish not my children for my sins, but sprinkle them with the dew of Thy grace.\u201d Amen.<\/p>\n

Lord, help me bless my children in all things and see my own sins.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Side note: Sins of the fathers<\/h3>\n

One reader messaged me about the use of the word punish<\/em> in the above prayer. The line itself comes from Exodus 20 in which we read that God \u201cvisits\u201d sins from one generation to the next. Neither the text of the scripture, nor the theology of the church would suggest punishment per se; it\u2019s probably clearer to say that kids bear negative consequences of their parents\u2019 sins.<\/p>\n

I am, for instance, divorced (having since remarried). Andrew Root has written very compellingly<\/a> that children of divorce have a radically altered sense of self. Divorce is an ontological crisis for a child. <\/p>\n

My kids from my first marriage bear the consequences of my sin in a very real way and will probably reap that whirlwind for the rest of their lives. My mistakes are being visited on them them, to use the language of Exodus. To pray the prayer above is to ask God for mercy in their lives, to relieve the ill effects of my sins, and instead to \u201csprinkle them with the dew of [God\u2019s] grace.\u201d\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

\n

Something elsewhere<\/h3>\n

Check out Frank Viola\u2019s post about handling criticism<\/a>. \u201c[B]e thankful to the Lord for criticism,\u201d he says. \u201cReceive the constructive kind with a spirit of gratefulness and ignore that which is rooted in falsehood. . . .\u201d\n<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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