{"id":10647,"date":"2018-08-14T03:00:06","date_gmt":"2018-08-14T09:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/?p=10647"},"modified":"2018-08-10T18:38:04","modified_gmt":"2018-08-11T00:38:04","slug":"no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html","title":{"rendered":"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u2019ve traveled with fellow Denton Pagan Cynthia Talbot at least a dozen times over the past five years. And by \u201ctraveled with\u201d I mean out of town, overnight, hotel stay required. Any time my wife Cathy isn\u2019t also on the trip, Cyn and I are always asked \u201cyou two are married, right?\u201d And not just once. At a typical Pagan conference someone asks me this question at least twice \u2013 for Cyn it\u2019s more like five times.<\/p>\n

On one hand, I get it. We\u2019re close to the same age (though I am older), we have similar interests, and there\u2019s a certain familiarity between us that only comes from spending a lot of time together. Thinking we\u2019re a couple is a reasonable assumption.<\/p>\n

No one is offended by the mistakes. Cathy finds them amusing. The only time any of us got upset was when someone started circulating a rumor that Cyn and I were \u201chaving an affair.\u201d That wasn\u2019t an honest mistake \u2013 it was a deliberate lie designed to hurt. It didn\u2019t work.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Cathy, me, and Cyn at the Giant\u2019s Causeway in 2016<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

On the other hand, answering this same question over and over again gets old. Not in a \u201cmind your own business\u201d sense, but in the sense of \u201ccan\u2019t you be a little more imaginative?\u201d<\/p>\n

I mean, we\u2019re Pagans \u2013 our religion abandons the status quo for something deeper and more meaningful\u2026 or at least, for something different. We aren\u2019t perfect, and we have some people who draw gender boundaries in ways that are unhelpful and lacking in compassion, but in general we are far more accepting of LGBTQIA people than the mainstream public. We understand that there are many ways to make a family, in large part because so many of us are in non-traditional families.<\/p>\n

So why then, when we see a man and a woman traveling together, do we immediately assume they must be a romantic and\/or sexual couple?<\/p>\n

Some of it is probability and statistics. Cyn and I look like a couple, so people assume we are a couple. Fair enough.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Hiker we just met: \u201cLet me take a picture of you on the bridge \u2013 it\u2019s a romantic spot.\u201d John: \u201cUm, we\u2019re not a\u2026\u201d Cyn: \u201cIt\u2019ll be easier if you just let him take the picture.\u201d Bushkill Falls \u2013 2015<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

But there\u2019s something else at work, something more troubling. I called it a lack of imagination and it is that, but it\u2019s more serious. It\u2019s the assumption that no matter what interests and experiences they share, the only reason \u2013 or at least, the main reason \u2013 a straight man and a straight woman would have a relationship is for sex.<\/p>\n

Like so many assumptions in our society, this one is usually unstated and unexamined. Most people don\u2019t even realize it\u2019s there, especially not good, enlightened, open-minded Pagans. But all the \u201cyou guys are married, right?\u201d questions show that Pagans carry this assumption too.<\/p>\n

And it\u2019s a toxic assumption.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s an assumption that keeps men and women from developing close friendships, because one or both assume that if the relationship gets close enough, it will inevitably lead to sex. Spouses and partners make the same assumption and get jealous. That in turn puts pressure on the romantic partner to be \u201cyour everything\u201d \u2013 something no human can be.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m from a generation who was taught that whatever friendship needs your wife can\u2019t fill, you should get them from your male friends \u2013 it was too dangerous for married men to have female friends (see the Mike Pence rule<\/a>). This is loaded with the assumptions of gender-binary heteronormativity. Where do gay friends fit into this model? They don\u2019t \u2013 it assumes they don\u2019t exist. And what about people with interests that don\u2019t fit traditional gender roles? Again, this model assumes they don\u2019t exist, and if they do they should be suppressed. It assumes that after dinner, the men go into the drawing room for cigars and whiskey while the women stay in the kitchen \u2013 and everybody is happy with this.<\/p>\n

It gets worse.<\/p>\n

When you restrict and segregate people by gender, you reinforce the idea that not only will a man and a woman in a close relationship inevitably end up having sex, but that that\u2019s the way things are supposed to be \u2013 that the primary purpose of men and women coming together is to have sex. This feeds the twisted ideas of the pick-up artists, incels<\/a>, and other misogynists who think women exist only to provide them with sex.<\/p>\n

To be clear, I don\u2019t think anybody who assumes Cyn and I are a couple believes any of this garbage. But this patriarchal misogyny is rooted deep in our mainstream culture. Even those who recognize that these beliefs are outdated and harmful can unconsciously act in ways that reflect its values. Your lack of imagination reinforces the societal norms and gender assumptions that feed these horrid misogynists.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Cyn and me at the 2017 ADF Texas Imbolc Retreat<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The solution is consent culture<\/a>. Consent culture is more than a transactional approach to sexuality where yes means yes and anything else means no, though that\u2019s certainly important. It\u2019s first and foremost about building a culture where we see and treat people as people and not as potential sex partners, or as any other thing<\/em> that minimizes their agency and personhood.<\/p>\n

Paganism is supposed to be sex-positive. After many years, we\u2019re finally starting to understand that sex-positive doesn\u2019t mean \u201ceverybody has more sex.\u201d It means people are free to have the kind and frequency of sex they and their partner(s) want and<\/em> that they\u2019re free from pressure to have the kind and frequency of sex they don\u2019t want.<\/p>\n

When it\u2019s done right, it also means that people don\u2019t make assumptions about other people\u2019s sex and\/or romantic lives, because they know there are so many possibilities there\u2019s no way their guesses could be correct.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.<\/p>\n

And that begins with being a little more imaginative.<\/p>\n

\n

This is written from my perspective as a straight man. Do lesbians and gay men have similar situations? I don\u2019t know. I do know I hear my bisexual and asexual friends complaining quite a bit about other people\u2019s bad assumptions and their impact on their lives. Assumptions we make about other people are often wrong and are rarely helpful.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1129,"featured_media":10656,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[272],"tags":[1345,1911,1152,1908,1280,4,1153,5],"class_list":["post-10647","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-community-2","tag-assumptions","tag-consent","tag-consent-culture","tag-cynthia-talbot","tag-mike-pence","tag-pagan","tag-pagan-consent-culture","tag-paganism"],"yoast_head":"\nNo, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"John Beckett\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-08-14T09:00:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-08-11T00:38:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2018\/08\/ADF-Texas-Imbolc-2017-66.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"768\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"473\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"John Beckett\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"John Beckett\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html\",\"name\":\"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2018-08-14T09:00:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-08-11T00:38:04+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#\/schema\/person\/b4c8980dc36f971434424c304ca429ad\"},\"description\":\"If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/\",\"name\":\"John Beckett\",\"description\":\"Musings of a Druid, Pagan, and Unitarian Universalist.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#\/schema\/person\/b4c8980dc36f971434424c304ca429ad\",\"name\":\"John Beckett\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/0f50bfa2a79f70103847fe75540bb29c?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/0f50bfa2a79f70103847fe75540bb29c?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"John Beckett\"},\"description\":\"I grew up in Tennessee with the woods right outside my back door. Wandering through them gave me a sense of connection to Nature and to a certain Forest God. I\u2019m a Druid graduate of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, the Coordinating Officer of the Denton Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans and a former Vice President of CUUPS Continental. I\u2019ve been writing, speaking, teaching, and leading public rituals for the past eleven years. I live in the Dallas \u2013 Fort Worth area and I earn my keep as an engineer.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/author\/johnbeckett\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem","description":"If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem","og_description":"If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html","og_site_name":"John Beckett","article_published_time":"2018-08-14T09:00:06+00:00","article_modified_time":"2018-08-11T00:38:04+00:00","og_image":[{"width":768,"height":473,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2018\/08\/ADF-Texas-Imbolc-2017-66.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"John Beckett","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"John Beckett","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html","name":"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#website"},"datePublished":"2018-08-14T09:00:06+00:00","dateModified":"2018-08-11T00:38:04+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#\/schema\/person\/b4c8980dc36f971434424c304ca429ad"},"description":"If you\u2019ve asked if Cyn and I are a couple, or if you\u2019ve wondered about it but didn\u2019t ask, I don\u2019t want an apology. I don\u2019t want you to mind your own business. I want you to abandon the unstated assumptions of patriarchal culture and start building a consent culture.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2018\/08\/no-were-not-married-and-why-wrong-assumptions-are-a-problem.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"No, We\u2019re Not Married \u2013 And Why Wrong Assumptions Are A Problem"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/","name":"John Beckett","description":"Musings of a Druid, Pagan, and Unitarian Universalist.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#\/schema\/person\/b4c8980dc36f971434424c304ca429ad","name":"John Beckett","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/0f50bfa2a79f70103847fe75540bb29c?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/0f50bfa2a79f70103847fe75540bb29c?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"John Beckett"},"description":"I grew up in Tennessee with the woods right outside my back door. Wandering through them gave me a sense of connection to Nature and to a certain Forest God. I\u2019m a Druid graduate of the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids, the Coordinating Officer of the Denton Covenant of Unitarian Universalist Pagans and a former Vice President of CUUPS Continental. I\u2019ve been writing, speaking, teaching, and leading public rituals for the past eleven years. I live in the Dallas \u2013 Fort Worth area and I earn my keep as an engineer.","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/author\/johnbeckett"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10647","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1129"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=10647"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/10647\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/10656"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=10647"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=10647"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=10647"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}