Two years ago I wrote about Paganism as an Orientation<\/a> and I wondered how I ended up Pagan. It\u2019s not uncommon for people to change religions, but they usually do so from one version of the same religion to another. Why didn\u2019t I become an Episcopalian or a UU Christian? Or, given my rationality and skepticism, why did I never even consider becoming an atheist? I\u2019m convinced I have a Pagan orientation \u2013 it\u2019s part of who and what I am.<\/p>\n And there were early signs I was headed in this direction.<\/p>\n I knew the magic I saw on TV wasn\u2019t real. But I figured there had to be some truth behind it. And while everyone I knew assumed witchcraft was powered by the devil, there were plenty of mainstream shows and books discussing psychic phenomena in a rational manner.<\/p>\n I remember trying to move things with my mind \u2013 I never got anywhere with it. I tried to mix potions made from various plants. They also never did anything, helpful or harmful.<\/p>\n The lack of quick, dramatic results caused me to give up on this fairly quickly.<\/p>\n I tried everything I could think of to see the future. Scrying. Bibliomancy. Signs in Nature. The local Baptists thought astrology was \u201cof the devil\u201d but signs and omens were \u201ca gift from God.\u201d If I ever hit on anything I don\u2019t remember it, which means I probably didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n And then there was the time I was snooping in my older brother\u2019s room and found his Tarot cards. I tried to read them using the little white book \u2013 I got nothing. Once I became Pagan I got my own cards, but it would take years of practice<\/a> and two in-person classes before I got competent at reading them.<\/p>\n I grew up near a small city but far enough away that the skies were fairly dark. I could see hundreds of stars on a clear night, as opposed to the couple dozen I can see here in suburban North Texas. And of course, I could see the clouds during the day. Interestingly, I never paid much attention to the moon.<\/p>\n But I loved the stars. I looked at them with a combination of scientific curiosity and religious awe \u2013 the universe is so big, and we are so small. And yet, here we are, contemplating it all.<\/p>\n That feeling has never changed.<\/p>\n Unlike the spells and potions I tried, this actually worked \u2013 and dramatically so. I just didn\u2019t have the context to recognize it as magic.<\/p>\n The playground of my kindergarten had the usual set of equipment, including a \u201cjungle gym,\u201d a cube of steel pipes for climbing on (do they still have those or have insurance companies outlawed them?). I climbed on it like all the other kids, but I was afraid to go higher than the first rung \u2013 I was afraid of heights. I didn\u2019t like being afraid of heights, but I was.<\/p>\n Then one night I had a dream where I climbed to the top. The next day at recess, I calmly climbed all the way to the top of the jungle gym and sat on the top rung. I knew I could do it, because I had seen myself do it in my dream.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve always remembered that, but it took a long time before I found out I could use conscious, intentional visualization to do the same thing.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve always loved books. I\u2019ve always seen books as wealth<\/a>. And I\u2019ve always known that some books are special: they\u2019re sacred, or they\u2019re dangerous, or both. I\u2019ve always wanted to acquire as many of those as possible.<\/p>\n I\u2019m envious of the generation that learned witchcraft and Paganism from the well-stocked shelves of Barnes & Noble. I had Gateway Books at Eastgate Mall, an independent store about the size of a Waldenbooks. For those too young to remember any of that, it was small. There was no \u201calternative religions\u201d section. And even if there had been such a section, there would have been very few books to fill it in the early 1970s.<\/p>\n I looked through all the books I could find on psychic development, paranormal phenomena, and anything of the sort. I never found anything worth spending my very limited allowance on.<\/p>\n I read horror and science fiction instead. It wasn\u2019t what I wanted, but it kept the dream alive.<\/p>\n The \u201cabout the author\u201d section of this blog and in my books<\/a> says<\/p>\n I grew up in Tennessee with the woods right outside my back door. Wandering through them gave me a sense of connection to Nature and to a certain Forest God.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n When I was bored, the woods had something new to discover. When I was angry, the woods were a place where I could say all the things I wasn\u2019t allowed to say at home or in school. The woods were where I could get away from everyone, where I could dream and plan.<\/p>\n Where I am today \u2013 especially what I write about here \u2013 is a direct result of those dreams and plans.<\/p>\n All I knew about Gods and spirits was what I had been taught at the Baptist church. Which is to say, not much and mostly wrong. I had no context for the variety of spiritual persons that now fill my life. But I\u2019m convinced they were there.<\/p>\n That voice just behind my head, or in some cases hidden in the trees and brush, whispering to keep going, that things would get better, that there was more to life? I\u2019m convinced that was Cernunnos<\/a>.<\/p>\n Was He moved by compassion? Did He see the potential for a future priest? I don\u2019t know. If He had shown Himself to me as He did when I was much older I would have run away in fear. So He quietly said what needed to be said, and then reintroduced Himself when I was ready to see Him.<\/p>\n Some persons in the woods were scary. I assumed they were angry ghosts, or perhaps demons. While some of them probably were ghosts, I now think others were the Fair Folk. I left them alone and they left me alone.<\/p>\n And the magic wasn\u2019t just the persons in the woods, it was the woods themselves. There was always something new and strange just over the next hill. There were times when I found something truly extraordinary one day, but then could never find it again. I assumed I just couldn\u2019t remember the way, but I now think I may have wandered into the Otherworld, or at least into a liminal zone \u201cneither here nor there.\u201d I\u2019m less certain about this than I am about the other stuff, but I think it\u2019s likely.<\/p>\n I always wanted to be a witch. I saw witches in movies, books, and folklore. Witches had power, and as a child I had very little power of my own. When I finally learned the reality behind the fiction I tried to become a witch, but it didn\u2019t work. I\u2019m a magician who often plays in the witchcraft sandbox, but I\u2019m not a witch.<\/p>\n But when I first picked up a book on Druidry \u2013 after eight years of dabbling \u2013 something clicked. This is what I was supposed to be. And now this is what I am.<\/p>\n Looking back, it all makes sense: the magic (both the successes and the failures), the search for knowledge and wisdom, and the love of Nature.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2020\/02\/Tesa-2013-shadows.jpg\")
<\/a>Trying to practice magic<\/h1>\n
Attempts at divination<\/h1>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2020\/02\/tarot-spread-02.13.20.jpg\")
<\/a>Sky gazing<\/h1>\n
Visualization<\/h1>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2020\/02\/Jungle-gym.jpg\")
<\/a>Looking for arcane books and knowledge<\/h1>\n
A love of the woods<\/h1>\n
Magic in the woods<\/h1>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2020\/02\/deer-06.02.19.jpg\")
<\/a>A Druid, not a witch<\/h1>\n