I was a little surprised that those words rolled off my fingers as easily as they did \u2013 I\u2019ve had a hard time learning them.<\/p>\n
I grew up going to funerals. As a kid it seemed like some elderly relative was dying every other month. My parents took me and my brother out of school, dressed us up, threw us in the back seat of the car and drove us on trips that seemed like they took forever even though they didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n My relatives belonged to several denominations, but all except one were traditional low church Southern Protestants. All the funerals preached \u201cI am the resurrection and the life\u201d and \u201cin my father\u2019s house are many mansions.\u201d I was a religion geek even at an early age, and it seemed to me that funerals were intended to comfort the survivors and to reinforce common beliefs about the afterlife and how to get there.<\/p>\n I also noticed pretty early on that some preachers wanted to make the funeral about themselves and not about the person who had died. A funeral is not the place for an altar call.<\/p>\n But while these funerals may have served to reinforce common doctrines about death and the hereafter, they weren\u2019t always successful in providing comfort to the grieving.<\/p>\n I was shocked the first time I heard someone I knew to be a devout Christian say \u201cI\u2019m so mad at God for taking him.\u201d How could they say that? Their loved one had \u201cgone to be with the Lord\u201d and it was \u201call part of God\u2019s plan\u201d and \u201call things work together for good to those who love God.\u201d<\/p>\n Didn\u2019t they have faith?<\/p>\n It took my 8 or 9 year old self a while to understand that people don\u2019t always believe what they say they believe. I would be a young adult before I understood that almost everyone has the kind of religious doubts I was struggling with \u2013 most people just don\u2019t deal with them. And I would be far down my path of Paganism before I realized that rather than providing comfort in times of sorrow, group beliefs often add to the stress.<\/p>\n On one hand, they were being told that what happened was good, even if only in the grand scheme of things.<\/p>\n But all they knew for sure was that someone they loved was now dead and gone and they were in pain. And other people they loved and trusted were telling them they shouldn\u2019t be in pain.<\/p>\n That didn\u2019t make the pain go away \u2013 it just made it worse. Now on top of their loss, they had guilt for not having enough faith.<\/p>\n When all they were doing was going through the normal, healthy, human process of grieving.<\/p>\n Some of them walked away from their church. Most would eventually find their way back \u2013 life-long habits and the social pressure were too strong. But a couple never did. They never declared themselves atheists \u2013 that would have been social suicide \u2013 but they might as well have.<\/p>\n Interestingly, some of the very people who rejected the \u201che\u2019s in a better place\u201d comments turned around and offered those same words to others in future years. They felt the need to say something comforting and they repeated the empty lines they had heard their whole lives. Had they forgotten how meaningless they were to them? I suspect they had.<\/p>\n Providing authentic comfort to the grieving does not require abandoning our beliefs about what comes after death. It simply requires being honest about what we do and do not know.<\/p>\n Death is a mystery. It always has been \u2013 I expect it always will be. I have some fairly specific thoughts on what comes after death<\/a>. But I freely admit I might be wrong. And to me that\u2019s critical \u2013 it\u2019s far better to embrace the mystery than to cling to a false certainty.<\/p>\n That may not be comforting to someone who\u2019s spent their whole live thinking in terms of heaven and hell and not giving either of them much serious thought. The need for honesty around death begins with not teaching a false certainty to begin with.<\/p>\n There is value in exploring death and the afterlife. The older I get and the more I realize I\u2019ve got a lot more years behind me than in front of me, the more I find my experiences of the Otherworld and the beliefs those experiences inspire to be reassuring. But once I die, my beliefs will be of no further value. Even my fellow Pagans don\u2019t agree on what comes next \u2013 my Christian friends certainly don\u2019t.<\/p>\n Simply acknowledge that death is a mystery \u2013 a mystery that we will all one day encounter.<\/p>\n This is the hardest part for most of us. And if it\u2019s hard to accept when we\u2019re the ones grieving, it\u2019s even harder to accept when it\u2019s our loved ones who are hurting.<\/p>\n Sometimes this is because we make it about ourselves \u2013 we don\u2019t want other people bringing us down, no matter who or what they\u2019ve lost. But more often, our desire to make things better is genuine \u2013 we love them and we want them to feel better. So we grasp for something to say, something to do, anything to make things better.<\/p>\n But we can\u2019t make it better \u2013 we can only make it worse with words that mean nothing in the moment.<\/p>\n We can\u2019t make our friends not suffer.<\/p>\n We can only make sure they don\u2019t suffer alone.<\/p>\n In the moment there\u2019s nothing we can do but offer a shoulder to cry on. But by the time we get to a funeral, we can talk about what the person did well \u2013 what they enjoyed in life.<\/p>\n This is where I get annoyed with many Christian funerals \u2013 the ones that focus on preaching sermons instead of celebrating the life of the deceased. One of the best things we can do to begin the process of recovery is to remember the good times, the accomplishments, and the milestones.<\/p>\n This is also a reminder that we never know how long our lives will be. Don\u2019t wait to do the things you\u2019ve always wanted to do, or the things you\u2019ve always felt you\u2019re supposed to do \u2013 do them while you still can.<\/p>\n What happens to our souls \u2013 the essence of who and what we are \u2013 after death is a mystery. What happens to our legacy is not.<\/p>\n Speaking of Robin Wood, I said \u201cthis much we know: all of us will live on in what \u2013 and who \u2013 we leave behind. Robin Wood will live on in her art, and in all the people she touched, for a very, very long time.\u201d<\/p>\n You need not be a famous artist to live on after death. We will all live on in the families and communities we\u2019ve been a part of. We\u2019ll live on in our children and grandchildren, and in those we\u2019ve adopted as family \u2013 whether legally or informally.<\/p>\n Every one of us makes an impact on this world, to one extent or another. That impact continues long after we die.<\/p>\n![\"Kutna](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2021\/04\/Kutna-Hora-02-1024x536.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nAn attentive kid at low church funerals<\/h2>\n
Faith vs. cognitive dissonance<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2021\/04\/Towne-Lake-04.10.21-02-1024x536.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nThe need for honesty around death<\/h2>\n
Accept that grief is natural and necessary<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2021\/04\/rain-03.25.21-01-1024x536.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nCelebrate a life well lived<\/h2>\n
We live on in what we leave behind<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2021\/04\/Erwin-Park-04.03.21-02-1024x536.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n