Some of those scars are healed. Some are healing. And some will likely never heal. Such is life.<\/p>\n
Some of those scars got opened up again after the death of James Dobson. A few people were taking pleasure in his death, but most were simply telling their stories, bearing witness to the legacy of a man who encouraged others to do evil and called it good.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m glad he\u2019s gone and can cause no more harm in this world\u2026 although his books remain, and there are plenty of others ready to take up his mantle. I do not believe in hell, but I would create one for Dobson and people like him.<\/p>\n
That many of us have those thoughts tells us a lot about why the belief in eternal damnation \u2013 and the desire for it to be real \u2013 persists, but that\u2019s another topic for another time.<\/p>\n
But even if I could consign James Dobson to suffer the cumulative torment of every child he caused to suffer, that would not undo my own suffering, nor the suffering of those who had it worse.<\/p>\n
And also, the fact that others had it worse does not minimize \u2013 much less negate \u2013 your own suffering.<\/p>\n
But what I can say to myself and to everyone who is dealing with bad memories at the moment is this:<\/p>\n
We\u2019re still here.<\/p>\n
We win.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s worth celebrating.<\/p>\n
Do you know why the military, police, and intelligence services aren\u2019t supposed to use torture? It\u2019s not because we\u2019re the good guys (sometimes we are, sometimes we aren\u2019t). It\u2019s because information obtained under torture \u2013 under duress \u2013 isn\u2019t reliable. Some people can hold out longer than others, but eventually everyone will tell their torturers what they think they want to hear so the torture will stop.<\/p>\n If trained soldiers and committed terrorists can\u2019t hold out indefinitely, what chance does a child have?<\/p>\n I said things I did not believe. I apologized when I had done nothing wrong. I said nothing when I was told a lie was the truth. I kept silent when I wanted to scream. I froze when I wanted to fight back.<\/p>\n What could I have done? I was a child. I may have had the mind of an adult, but I had the body of a child, and the legal status of a child.<\/p>\n I said and did what I had to do to survive. And so did you. Because that\u2019s what survivors do. We chose to retreat from an unwinnable situation so we could live to fight another day.<\/p>\n What we could not do as children, we can do as adults.<\/p>\n When we live good, honest lives according to the beliefs and the values that make sense to us and that speak to our souls, we win.<\/p>\n The best stories I\u2019m hearing are from those who are breaking the cycle, from people who have said \u201cthis ends with me.\u201d They were abused by their parents because their parents were abused by their grandparents and so on going back generations, but they refused to continue the cycle of abuse. Their children are growing up knowing love and support and learning discipline through positive means, not through beatings and intimidation.<\/p>\n I like to think I would have done the same thing, but I have no children \u2013 by choice<\/a> \u2013 and it would be grossly unfair for me to take credit for achieving something I never had to attempt. But I can say this:<\/p>\n I got out with my soul intact.<\/p>\n Of course I believed what I was taught as a small child. That\u2019s what you do when you\u2019re a small child \u2013 you don\u2019t have the wisdom or the experience to challenge what people in positions of authority tell you. But when I got a little older, I started realizing it didn\u2019t make sense.<\/p>\n I was told that hierarchy and patriarchy was \u201cGod\u2019s way\u201d but I could see that the only legitimate authority was one grounded in facts and reason, in compassion and justice.<\/p>\n I was told I had to believe the Earth was created in six days, 6000 years ago. Science told me it was formed 4.5 billion years ago.<\/p>\n I was told I had to believe humans were created in our current form. Science told me we evolved from other life forms over millions of years.<\/p>\n I was told I had to believe the bible was the literal and inerrant \u201cWord of God.\u201d Literary and historical analysis told me it was the product of many writers over many centuries, much of it was borrowed from earlier sources, and it was never intended to be taken literally.<\/p>\n Most importantly, I was told that a God who was supposedly all-loving, all-powerful, and all-wise had a \u201cplan\u201d that resulted in the vast majority of his creatures \u2013 who behave as he designed them \u2013 spending eternity in torment.<\/p>\n No one deserves eternal torment \u2013 not even James Dobson.<\/p>\n I bit my tongue to keep from starting arguments I knew I would never be allowed to win. But I never stopped asking questions, even if I couldn\u2019t safely ask them out loud. And I never stopped looking for answers. It took me many years to work through all the baggage<\/a> I was saddled with as a child.<\/p>\n But I did.<\/p>\n So have many of you.<\/p>\n And many more are on this path to freedom and integrity, and to living with confidence and hope instead of with fear.<\/p>\n Winning isn\u2019t rejoicing in the death of James Dobson \u2013 though if you\u2019re enjoying it, you have my understanding and my support.<\/p>\n Winning is realizing he\u2019s no longer relevant in your life.<\/p>\n Winning is understanding that no one should have to go through what you went through \u2013 physically, emotionally, spiritually \u2013 but you did, and you made it out anyway.<\/p>\n Winning is understanding that trauma didn\u2019t make you stronger. You were already strong enough, even if you couldn\u2019t see it at the time (I couldn\u2019t).<\/p>\n Winning is vowing to do better in your own life, and then doing it.<\/p>\n![\"photo](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/243\/2025\/08\/James-Dobson-we-win-1024x768.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWhat we could not do as children, we can do as adults<\/h2>\n
Breaking the cycle of abuse<\/h2>\n
Never stop asking questions \u2013 and seeking answers<\/h2>\n
This is what winning looks like<\/h2>\n