{"id":32318,"date":"2025-10-19T03:00:20","date_gmt":"2025-10-19T09:00:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/?p=32318"},"modified":"2025-10-18T13:55:01","modified_gmt":"2025-10-18T19:55:01","slug":"grieving-a-religion-that-might-have-been","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2025\/10\/grieving-a-religion-that-might-have-been.html","title":{"rendered":"Grieving A Religion That Might Have Been"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

The Under the Ancient Oaks course \u201cUnpacking Your Religious Baggage So You Can Live A Magical Life<\/a>\u201d is nearing conclusion (but it\u2019s on-demand, so you can start it now if you like). This week\u2019s module is \u201cCutting the Cord\u201d \u2013 it covers things we can do to permanently break ties with an old toxic religion so we can focus on healing the damage and then moving forward. It includes a cord cutting ritual, which I find more helpful than \u201cdebaptism<\/a>\u201d or anything like that.<\/p>\n

K.D. Echols does the transcripts for the on-line courses, which means she sees them before anyone else does. When she sent me the transcript for this module, she included a comment, which I share with permission:<\/p>\n

I wonder if some students will feel grief during the ritual, like the heaviness amid the relief of signing the divorce papers of a dysfunctional marriage. Not grief from wanting to stay in the marriage, but mourning the death of the image of the relationship that turned out to be only in our head.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019ve never been divorced, but I was in a five-year relationship that ended badly. K.D.\u2019s words ring true. The feelings are similar with leaving a toxic religion, but at least in my case, they were worse. Of course they were worse. I was in that bad relationship for five years. I was in that toxic religion for between 18 and 39 years, depending on how you\u2019re counting<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Different people experience and process grief differently. The\u00a05 Stages of Grief<\/a>\u00a0are a gross oversimplification that do not apply in all situations. I felt nothing but relief and excitement when I got out of toxic religion, and again when I discovered Paganism. It was only later, when I thought about what might have been, that I felt grief. Honestly, there are times when I feel it now.<\/p>\n

Like that five-year romantic relationship that ended badly, I have no desire to go back to the toxic religion of my childhood. But I still sometimes think about what might have been.<\/p>\n

\"photo<\/a>
Basilica di Santa Croce, Florence, Italy \u2013 2025<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I grieve the loss of two thousand years of continuous tradition<\/h2>\n

There is power in continuity. There is comfort and security in doing something people have done for centuries \u2013 for millennia. We often call our religious and spiritual paths \u201ctraditions\u201d even though they\u2019re not particularly old.<\/p>\n

The church where I grew up did not acknowledge saints, but there were historical figures they respected and celebrated. I knew other denominations had a rich history and mythology going back much farther. I grieve that loss.<\/p>\n

Except:<\/strong> The Christian tradition isn\u2019t as unbroken as it often claims. We know little with certainty about the early church. More importantly, Christian tradition has been broken multiple times: especially the East-West Schism of 1054, Luther\u2019s 95 Theses in 1517, and Henry VIII\u2019s creation of the Church of England in 1534. The 20th<\/sup> century saw many denominations growing closer or even merging \u2013 the 21st<\/sup> century has seen more schisms.<\/p>\n

Instead:<\/strong> Continuity alone means nothing. The first priority of any healthy religion must be to meet the needs of its followers here and now, not to mindlessly continue traditions that may have been meaningful and helpful at one point but are now restrictive and harmful. Further, we can restore and reimagine old traditions (the modern Druid tradition is legitimately 300 years old<\/a>) and we can start new traditions here and now.<\/p>\n

I grieve the loss of the universal church<\/h2>\n

The Apostle\u2019s Creed (one of the foundational statements of Christian faith) speaks of \u201cthe holy catholic church\u201d \u2013 the universal church. While the fundamentalist Baptists of my youth did not recite the Apostle\u2019s Creed (\u201cwe have no creed but the Bible\u201d \u2013 which completely misses the point of a creed<\/a>) even they admitted that other denominations had enough of the truth to find their way to heaven, even if many of them wouldn\u2019t. Religious unity is a beautiful and powerful idea.<\/p>\n

Except:<\/strong> As with the examples of tradition above, Christian unity is more about the idea than actual practice. If an alien who knew nothing of human religion were to examine the Roman Catholic Church, the Southern Baptist Convention, and the United Church of Christ (to pick three obvious examples) they would conclude that while the groups have common roots, they have diverged to the point they function as separate religions.<\/p>\n

Instead:<\/strong> As a polytheist, it\u2019s easy to understand that different Gods call different people to worship, work with, and work for them in different ways. Humans are one species, but we have many distinct languages and cultures \u2013 and many different religions. Further, when we accept that religion is about how we relate to each other and to our highest values and virtues and not about qualifying for the good place in the afterlife, we understand that there is no need for universal religion, however attractive it seems to some.<\/p>\n

I grieve the loss of liturgical worship<\/h2>\n

Let me begin by saying there is power in the loud and emotional worship of many low church Protestants, especially in the historically Black churches. But that worship style did nothing for the nerdy little kid I was who craved intellectual rigor and liturgical mystery. One of my uncles married a Catholic and converted \u2013 I always wanted to go to their church. My father loved his brother and respected his choice, but he insisted that his own children attend the Baptist church \u2013 every week, with no exceptions for curiosity or exploration.<\/p>\n

I often wonder how my spiritual journey might have worked out if I had grown up in a liberal, mystical, Episcopal church \u2013 something that would have fed my soul and not turned me off with fundamentalist theology and conservative politics.<\/p>\n

Except: <\/strong>While different styles of worship and practice appeal to different people, what matters most is the content: the concepts and values being proclaimed and promoted. And while many Christians are inclusive and respectful of other religions, their scriptures and doctrines still insist they are the best way, if not the only way.<\/p>\n

Instead:<\/strong> Pagan worship and celebration can be even more varied than Christian worship. Over the years I\u2019ve led and participated in rituals that worshipped the Gods in reverence, that experienced the Gods in ecstasy, that spoke to our need for intellectual honesty and depth, and that connected us to the beliefs and practices of our ancient ancestors. We are not limited to high liturgy or emotional revivals or intellectual reflections \u2013 we can do it all, as fits the occasion and the group.<\/p>\n

Grieving what should have been, not what was<\/h2>\n

I grieve the religion that might have been \u2013 the religion that should have been.<\/p>\n

But this is not the grief I felt when my mother died<\/a>\u2026 or the greater grief I felt when it became obvious that her mental capacities were in serious decline. That was grieving a true loss.<\/p>\n

This was like grieving the breakup with my college girlfriend. Yes, there was the loss of companionship, but K.D. Echols was right \u2013 most of the grief was over the image of the relationship I had in my head. It was never going to work because the relationship was a bad match, and staying in the relationship would have been worse.<\/p>\n

Just like that relationship, the religion I left was toxic. No amount of tradition, no amount of universality, no amount of liturgy would have ever made it healthy.<\/p>\n

I needed to get out.<\/p>\n

I needed to cut the cord.<\/p>\n

And I did.<\/p>\n

Moving on to something better<\/h2>\n

The two years following that romantic breakup were not pleasant. But then I met Cathy and things took off quickly. We just celebrated our 38th<\/sup> wedding anniversary \u2013 I can\u2019t imagine being with anyone else.<\/p>\n

My religious journey was longer and less straightforward. I left fundamentalist Christianity for progressive Christianity. I left progressive Christianity for a vague deistic universalism. I left that for a solitary Paganism, which led to finding Druidry and CUUPS and polytheism and witchcraft and all the things I do and write about. I\u2019m not finished learning and growing and I don\u2019t expect I will be finished until I take up permanent residence in the Otherworld.<\/p>\n

But I\u2019m on a path that calls to me.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m on a path that fills my soul.<\/p>\n

And I\u2019m committed to this path because I cut the ties to the toxic religion of my childhood. I can\u2019t erase all the bad religious experiences I had, but I\u2019ve been able to unpack them, understand them, and then crowd them out with good and meaningful experiences on this Pagan path.<\/p>\n

I suppose I will always wonder what might have been. But I\u2019m happy and fulfilled where I am, and where I\u2019m going.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s cause for celebration.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Under the Ancient Oaks course \u201cUnpacking Your Religious Baggage So You Can Live A Magical Life\u201d is nearing conclusion (but it\u2019s on-demand, so you can start it now if you like). This week\u2019s module is \u201cCutting the Cord\u201d \u2013 it covers things we can do to permanently break ties with an old toxic religion […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1129,"featured_media":32324,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[45],"tags":[520,4739,4,5,8],"class_list":["post-32318","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-theology","tag-grief","tag-k-d-echols","tag-pagan","tag-paganism","tag-polytheism"],"yoast_head":"\nGrieving A Religion That Might Have Been<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The Under the Ancient Oaks course \u201cUnpacking Your Religious Baggage So You Can Live A Magical Life\u201d is nearing conclusion (but it\u2019s on-demand, so you can\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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