{"id":4683,"date":"2016-02-11T18:00:45","date_gmt":"2016-02-12T00:00:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/?p=4683"},"modified":"2016-02-09T19:11:51","modified_gmt":"2016-02-10T01:11:51","slug":"im-no-fan-of-valentines-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnbeckett\/2016\/02\/im-no-fan-of-valentines-day.html","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m No Fan of Valentine\u2019s Day"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"candle<\/a>My earliest memory of Valentine\u2019s Day is from kindergarten. The teacher had us make \u201cmailboxes\u201d from construction paper \u2013 open ended envelopes with a repositionable flag to indicate mail had been delivered. When I asked what it was for, she said \u201cFebruary 14 is Valentine\u2019s Day \u2013 if somebody likes you, they\u2019ll put a valentine in your mailbox.\u201d<\/p>\n

That sounded like fun. I was going to get mail all my own (as opposed to the real mail which never had anything for me) and I could find out who liked me. And I could send valentines to the people I liked. But then the teacher said \u201cremember \u2013 you need to bring a valentine for everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

I clearly remember my confusion at this point. \u201cBut what about the people I don\u2019t like?\u201d I don\u2019t remember if I actually asked the question. I probably didn\u2019t \u2013 even at that young age, I had learned that adults didn\u2019t respond well to questions that challenged their ideas about the way things were supposed to be.<\/p>\n

I got even more confused when I realized that everyone would be bringing a valentine for me. How was I supposed to know who really wanted to Be My Valentine and who was just doing what they were told to do? I examined each valentine carefully, looking for clues as to the real sentiment behind them. As I recall, I didn\u2019t find anything, either forensically or psychically (I was looking for magic at a very early age, but that\u2019s another story for another time). The whole thing was a nice diversion, but it was no big deal.<\/p>\n

Fast forward to junior high school and the first Valentine\u2019s Dance. Which I didn\u2019t attend, because I didn\u2019t have a valentine in any sense of the term. I was a stereotypical brainy nerd with high social anxiety and low social skills. There was something cool going on, but I didn\u2019t get to participate.<\/p>\n

My senior year in high school I finally had a girlfriend and I looked forward to going to the Valentine\u2019s Dance for the first time. I had been to at least one other school dance so I knew what was involved, but I still had the idea that the Valentine\u2019s Dance would be special \u2013 magical, even. But no, it was the same collection of kids trying to dress up and look sophisticated, a few dancing well and most dancing poorly, and it did nothing to enhance the love and affection I felt for my girlfriend (such as it was \u2013 that was an awkward relationship that lasted too long and ended poorly \u2013 but that\u2019s a typical story that\u2019s not worth writing about).<\/p>\n

None of this compares to the sheer misery I felt during the two years after college when I was single. My co-workers were talking about their big Valentine\u2019s plans and I was reminded that I wasn\u2019t participating.<\/p>\n

As these stories show, I\u2019ve never been particularly fond of Valentine\u2019s Day. Though I\u2019ve had some good experiences during the years Cathy and I have been together, my strongest Valentine\u2019s memories are of disappointment and exclusion.<\/p>\n

I think there\u2019s value in a day to celebrate romantic love and relationships. It\u2019s tempting to say \u201ccelebrate your love every day\u201d and some people can do that. Most of us, though, get busy with our routines of work, school, family, and household. If we\u2019re wise we include spiritual practice, physical exercise, and religious community. Of course we love our partners and we show that love in the ordinary things we do to support them, but it\u2019s all too easy to forget there\u2019s something more involved \u2013 particularly for those of us for whom romance doesn\u2019t come easily. Just as we have special days to remind us of our devotion to the Gods and the Earth, it\u2019s good to have a special day to remind us of our devotion to our partners and to give us a prompt to express that devotion in a tangible fashion.<\/p>\n

Our current Valentine\u2019s Day does a very poor job of that. I\u2019m not going to blame the commercialization, although that certainly doesn\u2019t help. But like advertisements, Valentine\u2019s Day sets a standard for what a romantic celebration should be that\u2019s unhelpful for most and impossible for some. Our culture insists we should all be partnered. We\u2019re finally to the point where most folks realize some people want and need to be partnered with someone of the same sex, but we still ignore those who prefer to be single and those who prefer to be in multi-partner or open relationships.<\/p>\n

Even when our Valentine\u2019s Day activities and imagery become more inclusive, they still scream taunts and insults at those who want romance but can\u2019t find it, for whatever reason. It\u2019s like when I\u2019m planning a Beltane ritual and want to emphasize the lusty aspects of the holiday, but then remember that even if I\u2019m able to do it in a way that doesn\u2019t presume cis-hetero normality, there will still be at least a few people whose only outlet for their lusts will be themselves. And while that outlet can certainly be a good thing, it\u2019s not when you really want to celebrate with someone else.<\/p>\n

I hate blog posts that complain about the way things are and then don\u2019t offer a better alternative, but I don\u2019t have a better alternative to offer. I certainly don\u2019t want to take Valentine\u2019s Day away from those who enjoy it. And I don\u2019t want to go back to kindergarten where everybody gets a valentine even if they\u2019re meaningless. But I really wish we had a better way to celebrate our romantic relationships.<\/p>\n

This Valentine\u2019s Day I\u2019ll be alone, or as alone as anyone can be when you\u2019re in a hotel with 2500 other Pagans. I\u2019ll be at Pantheacon, while Cathy \u2013 who comes to some of our CUUPS circles but who has no interest in large gatherings \u2013 will be home. That we\u2019re both OK with this is one of the reasons we\u2019ve been married for 28 years. We\u2019ll pay our homage to St. Valentine next weekend. It\u2019s expected, and if you\u2019re in a good relationship it can be fun.<\/p>\n

But I still wish we had something better.<\/p>\n

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While there is value in a day to celebrate romantic love and relationships, Valentine\u2019s Day sets a standard for what a romantic celebration should be that\u2019s unhelpful for most and impossible for some. I really wish we had something better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1129,"featured_media":4684,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[272],"tags":[4,5,887,888],"class_list":["post-4683","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-community-2","tag-pagan","tag-paganism","tag-valentine","tag-valentines-day"],"yoast_head":"\nI\u2019m No Fan of Valentine\u2019s Day<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"While there is value in a day to celebrate romantic love and relationships, Valentine\u2019s Day sets a standard for what a romantic celebration should be that\u2019s unhelpful for most and impossible for some. 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