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<\/a>As a man who believes women are people who deserve to be respected before they are anything else, I\u2019m highly offended by Donald Trump\u2019s vile remarks about grabbing women by the crotch. I am not, however, the least bit surprised. When you consider what he\u2019s said about immigrants, the disabled, and even soldiers \u2013 not to mention all the other offensive things he\u2019s said about various women and women in general \u2013 if this revelation surprises you, you\u2019ve had your head in the sand. Or maybe it took a certain crude word to get your attention.<\/p>\nIf \u201cpussy\u201d bothers you more than \u201cgrab\u201d you need to re-evaluate your priorities.<\/p>\n
Trump tried to dismiss this as \u201clocker room talk.\u201d But this isn\u2019t just crude and objectifying comments about women (which, in case you have any doubts, isn\u2019t the least bit OK either). This is joking about sexual assault and bragging about the privilege wealth and power gives men to treat women as playthings instead of as people who deserve to be respected.<\/p>\n
A lot of men are saying no, this isn\u2019t locker room talk: I don\u2019t talk like that in locker rooms, and neither do the men I associate with. This is certainly in line with my experience. I never heard talk like this in high school, much less in the locker rooms and other male-only spaces I\u2019m in now.<\/p>\n
It would never occur to many men to talk like this, much less to assault women the way Trump brags about doing. But the women in our lives tell us they hear crude talk and receive unwanted touches all the time. If we\u2019re not doing it, and the people we know aren\u2019t doing it, who is doing it?<\/p>\n
All you know for sure is that you\u2019re not doing it. If it\u2019s happening this often \u2013 and women tell us it is \u2013 then some of those \u201cgood guys\u201d in your locker room and in your board room aren\u2019t as good as they make us think. In our presence their behavior is constrained by the examples we set and the desire for our approval, but when we\u2019re not around they feel entitled to grope and catcall all they like.<\/p>\n
What constrains behavior when no one with the power to physically stop it is around? There are only two things: character and culture.<\/p>\n
Character constrains us from doing things that are in conflict with our higher values, even though at some level we want to do them. You know that guy who, when traffic is backed up merging from two lanes to one, goes\u00a0as fast as he can to get to the head of line and then forces his way in, instead of merging in place like everyone else? Given a free opportunity, I wouldn\u2019t actually beat him to death with a baseball bat. But the thought has occurred to me.<\/p>\n
Building character is a job for parents and early childhood caregivers. Most of it is set by age seven or so, and what\u2019s left is locked in by early adulthood. Donald Trump\u2019s character was set long ago and he\u2019s not going to change who he is.<\/p>\n
Culture constrains us from doing things we would<\/em> do given the opportunity. Culture is how a society says \u201cthis is who we are, this is what we do, and this is what we don\u2019t do.\u201d As all of us who consider ourselves countercultural (in any sense of the term) understand, if you deviate from the culture you run the risk of being ostracized. Humans are social animals, and being cut off from the rest of society can be a severe penalty.<\/p>\n Culture is a matter of consensus, and it\u2019s constantly shifting. We are re-negotiating our culture on a daily basis. This is why the men who say \u201cI don\u2019t talk like that\u201d are doing a good thing \u2013 they\u2019re not just trying to say \u201cI\u2019m not a creepy scumbag like Trump\u201d they\u2019re saying \u201cthis behavior is not acceptable in our society.\u201d<\/p>\n If someone says something offensive and you don\u2019t respond, that sends an unclear message. Maybe you don\u2019t approve of it and you just don\u2019t want to make waves. But for all he knows, maybe you don\u2019t care one way or the other if some rich guy grabs women by the crotch.<\/p>\n On the other hand, if you respond with \u201chey, don\u2019t be talking like that\u201d or \u201cdude, learn some respect\u201d that sends a stronger message. Those who hear \u201clocker room talk\u201d and actively express their disapproval are doing a lot more to make things better than those who just distance themselves from it.<\/p>\n The men around Donald Trump didn\u2019t say anything to him because he\u2019s rich and powerful. Our culture tells us to defer to rich, powerful men \u2013 being their friend can be beneficial, and being their enemy can be difficult. But \u201crich\u201d and \u201cpowerful\u201d are relative terms \u2013 those who are peasants compared to Donald Trump can look like kings in the presence of those who are young, poor, or otherwise vulnerable, and they may be tempted to follow his example of groping women just because they can. And then men who aren\u2019t particularly rich or powerful start thinking they can do the same thing, just because they\u2019re men.<\/p>\n This is the culture we have. It tells men that women are sexual playthings and that if you\u2019re rich enough, powerful enough, or whatever enough, you can any kind of sex you want with any woman you want. Listen to Trump\u2019s words \u2013 he\u2019s convinced women want to be groped, because he\u2019s a \u201cstar.\u201d So if you\u2019re a man who thinks he\u2019s a \u201cstar\u201d (like, say, an athlete who\u2019s been idolized all his life), you may think you\u2019re just like the Donald. And if you rape an unconscious woman, a judge (another rich, powerful man) may decide that what you did wasn\u2019t all that bad.<\/p>\n You know something? This culture sucks, and not in the fun way. It\u2019s long past time we changed it.<\/p>\n Culture changes in two ways. It changes gradually, as older people lose influence or die off and their opinions are replaced by those of younger people. Given some of what I\u2019ve seen this year<\/a>, I\u2019m not sure the younger generation is any better than the older generations.<\/p>\n Culture also changes when we demand it changes here and now. It changes when we refuse to excuse offensive behavior no matter where it comes from. It changes when have more compassion for rape victims than for rapists.<\/p>\n It changes when men learn that the only way we have a right to approach women is the same way we approach other men:\u00a0 as people and as individuals whose sex lives are none of our business unless they actively and freely choose to include us in them.<\/p>\n It changes when we learn to value women\u2019s sovereignty more than we value their potential to be a sex partner.<\/p>\n It changes when we learn that \u201cconsensual\u201d doesn\u2019t just mean not forced, it means mutually desired. It changes when we understand \u2013 and accept \u2013 that consent must be free, clear, informed, and unambiguous.<\/p>\n It changes when we refuse to tolerate other men who violate the sovereignty of women with unwanted words, touching, or other attention, even when those men are rich and powerful and could (Gods forbid) become President of the United States.<\/p>\n It changes when we finally see women as people first and anything else well down the list. No more \u201cthat\u2019s someone\u2019s mother\u201d or \u201cthat could be your daughter.\u201d No. That\u2019s a person, with the full dignity and worth of any other person, regardless of gender or orientation or appearance or anything else.<\/p>\n We cannot change Donald Trump or the Stanford rapist or the judge who let him off with a six month sentence. Their character is insufficient to constrain their behavior. We can change the culture that told them that this was acceptable behavior, and in doing so constrain the behavior of future Donald Trumps.<\/p>\n