Later today I’ll be having lunch with former mega-church founder and leader, best-selling author and soon-to-be huge television star Rob Bell.
While of course security concerns prohibit me from revealing the location of what Rob has called our “epic lunch,” two words should be enough for you to grasp the magnitude of this groundbreaking summit: Taco. Place.
Never one to go into a power-confab without first honing my conversational strategies, I thought I’d share with you these ten things that, despite myself, I’ve decided not to say to Rob:
1. “You’re paying for this, right?”
2. “Can I be on your TV show? I’d make a fantastic next-door-neighbor who’s always popping by to be cute and whimsical until he begins to border on annoying and you finally have to ask him to leave.”
3. “Can I put and Rob Bell after the author byline on all my books?”
4. “Can you get me two free lifetime passes to the Universal Studios Hollywood theme park? Why not?”
5. “When your show wins about ten of them, can I go with you to the Emmy awards?”
6. “When I go with you to the Emmy Awards, do you have a tuxedo I could borrow if you used to be fatter?”
7. “I have with me a screenplay I wrote for a sci-fi movie about a mega-church you run in the future that’s actually on Mars. It’s called All Mars, No Hills. Do you want to buy it right now?”
8. “For years now Angelia Jolie has not responded to one of my emails, instant messages, phone calls, letters, cards, e-invites, billboards, or messages written with an airplane in the sky above her house. Do you know her? Can you find out why she hates me?”
9. “Your certain-smash TV show is about a charismatic musician and spiritual leader named Tom Stronger. I have an idea for a spin-off show, starring me, as your long-lost cousin who runs a casino in Las Vegas and is always getting into raucous misadventures with any one of the classy and beautiful women who work at his casino. It’s called Even Stronger. When can we schedule a pitch to Carlton Cuse?
10. “Are you gonna finish that taco?”
Well, I think that should do it! (Rob: If you’re reading this, don’t be nervous about meeting me. I put on my pants just like you do: in front of an open window when the neighbors are working in their yard.)
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