(We are in Satan\u2019s board room. In the room are the six ministers of his cabinet: RELIGION, FINANCE, POLITICS, EDUCATION, WAR, AND DISEASE. They are waiting for SATAN to arrive at the meeting to which he has called them all. As they are waiting for the Dark Lord to arrive, one of his ministers, perhaps by drumming on the table before him or her, begins distractedly keeping a beat. Another minister joins the rhythm of the first\u2014and then a third joins those two. Before long all six ministers are pounding the same raucous beat. They play for maybe a minute before, on the exact same beat, they all spontaneously stop.)<\/em><\/p>\n RELIGION: <\/strong>That was pretty darn tribally inspiring.<\/p>\n FINANCE:<\/strong> If we could package that, we could sell it. And I would know.<\/p>\n POLITICS:<\/strong> We\u2019d have to be sure to stay on point as we aggressively got out the message about the advantages of that opportunity.<\/p>\n EDUCATION: <\/strong>My inclination is to most readily concur with that estimable evaluation.<\/p>\n WAR <\/strong>[to EDUCATION]: <\/strong>My inclination is to beat you even more senseless than you usually are.<\/p>\n POLITICS: <\/strong>I\u2019m sure that if we form a committee to consider all sides of this issue, we can, if we but work together toward a common goal, find a satisfactory solution to this matter. I\u2019m reminded of an old woman I met just last week. She had worked all of her life in a sweatshop, and as I \u2026<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> If you don\u2019t clam up right now I\u2019m gonna hang you by your tie.<\/p>\n FINANCE:<\/strong> Hold on\u2014I want to hear this. A sweatshop, you say?<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> Those people get no health care insurance.<\/p>\n FINANCE:<\/strong> And sweatshops exploit children!<\/p>\n ALL <\/strong>[in unison]: Ooooo. Exploiting children. Yaaaaaaay.<\/p>\n RELIGION:<\/strong> Okay, does anyone know the purpose of this meeting? Why did he convene it?<\/p>\n EDUCATION: <\/strong>I\u2019m certain that I am unaware of the origins of this meeting.<\/p>\n WAR: <\/strong>I\u2019m certain that it\u2019s no surprise that you know nothing.<\/p>\n EDUCATION: <\/strong>What is the compunction of your dysfunction?<\/p>\n WAR: <\/strong>So it\u2019s true. You really can\u2019t read.<\/p>\n EDUCATION: <\/strong>Oh, and you can.<\/p>\n POLITICS:<\/strong> All right, all right. A question\u2019s been raised that I would very much like answered. Does anyone know why we\u2019re here?<\/p>\n RELIGION:<\/strong> All I know is that when he contacted me, he sounded awfully intense about something.<\/p>\n EDUCATION:<\/strong> That he did.<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> He did! I was busy poking holes in some malaria nets when his message came in. Almost jabbed a screwdriver through my hand.<\/p>\n FINANCE: <\/strong>Really? You do that sort of thing yourself?<\/p>\n DISEASE: <\/strong>Sometimes. I like to keep it real.<\/p>\n FINANCE:<\/strong> I do, too. Sometimes I poke holes in peoples\u2019 pockets, so their money falls out.<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> Lots of holey pants out there lately.<\/p>\n [They all laugh and lightly applaud FINANCE.]<\/p>\n RELIGION:<\/strong> Speaking of holy pants, let us not forget that I excel at making people feel afraid and inadequate.<\/p>\n WAR: <\/strong>Big whoop. I make people kill each other.<\/p>\n POLITICS: <\/strong>I have two words for all of you: Hanging. Chads.<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> Yeah, but what have you done for us lately?<\/p>\n DISEASE: <\/strong>Can we get back to the point, please? What is the point of this meeting?<\/p>\n [long pause]<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s because it\u2019s over.<\/p>\n POLITICS:<\/strong> Excuse me?<\/p>\n WAR: <\/strong>You know. Done. Finished. Over. I think we\u2019ve won. I think that\u2019s what he wants to talk to us about.<\/p>\n DISEASE: <\/strong>Done?<\/p>\n EDUCATION:<\/strong> What a preposterous thing to say.<\/p>\n FINANCE: <\/strong>Are you serious? Over? Are you really saying you think it\u2019s over?<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> That\u2019s what I\u2019m saying, money-bags.<\/p>\n RELIGION:<\/strong> No. It can\u2019t be. It just \u2026 can\u2019t be.<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> Okay. Satan called this meeting because he wants to exchange cookie recipes with us. He\u2019s looking for a sale on air conditioners. I don\u2019t care. It\u2019s all the same to me.<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> You\u2019re actually talking about \u2026 end times?<\/p>\n ALL<\/strong> [in a sort of dazed, monotone awe]: End times.<\/p>\n POLITICS <\/strong>[to WAR]: You\u2019re saying you think it\u2019s end time time.<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> I\u2019m saying I think it\u2019s likely. We have<\/em> been wreaking havoc up there for a long time now. It\u2019s not supposed to go on forever, you know.<\/p>\n EDUCATION:<\/strong> But we can\u2019t be that far along already.<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> You know, I think he\u2019s right. Think about it. We have been \u2026<\/p>\n EDUCATION: <\/strong>No, you think about it! I\u2019m not thinking about it!<\/p>\n WAR:<\/strong> Gee. What a surprise.<\/p>\n POLITICS <\/strong>[to DISEASE]: Are you ready for end times?<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> You know, I think I am.<\/p>\n POLITICS <\/strong>[to FINANCE]: <\/strong>Are you ready?<\/p>\n FINANCE: <\/strong>The numbers have really never looked better for it.<\/p>\n POLITICS:<\/strong> Jesus Christ.<\/p>\n RELIGION:<\/strong> That was my first thought.<\/p>\n DISEASE:<\/strong> Well, we\u2019ll know soon enough why we\u2019re here. He\u2019s here!<\/p>\n [SATAN enters.]<\/p>\n