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<\/a>\nOne of the most emotionally complex and difficult things a person can experience is taking care of an elderly parent. I recently spent time tending to my aging, widowed father, and thought I\u2019d pass along these fifteen points, each of which I found to be significantly helpful during this phase of my own life.<\/p>\n
1. Accept that things have changed.<\/em> When a parent starts in any way depending upon their child, a world has turned upside down. Be prepared for that radically new paradigm. Old roles may not apply; old methodologies may not apply; old emotions<\/em> may not apply. Be prepared to work from\u2014and write\u2014a whole new script.<\/p>\n 2.<\/em> Take it slowly.<\/em> Taking care of an elderly parent is generally a marathon, not a sprint. Don\u2019t rush it. You and they both are in uncharted territory. Let the process reveal itself to you; to the degree that you can, let whatever happens unfold organically. As much as you lead what\u2019s happening, follow it.<\/p>\n 3. <\/em>Expect nothing emotionally.<\/em> At the end phase of their life, your parent might open up to you emotionally and spiritually; they might express for you the love that, for whatever reason, they haven\u2019t before. But they also might not do that; your parent might even more tenaciously cling to their crazy. If as you care for your aging parent you bond with them in a new and deeper way, of course that\u2019s fantastic. But going into caring for them expecting or even hoping for that to happen is to wade into dangerous waters. Better to have no expectations and be surprised, than to have your hopes dashed.<\/p>\n 4.\u00a0<\/em>Expect their anger.<\/em> When you start taking care of your parent, they lose the one thing they\u2019ve always had in relationship to you: authority. That\u2019s not going to be easy for them to give up. Expect them, in one way or another, to lash out about that loss.<\/p>\n 5. Give them their autonomy.<\/em> Insofar as you can, offer your parent options instead of orders. It\u2019s important for them to continue to feel as if they, and not you, are running their lives. Let them decide everything they can about their own care and situation.<\/p>\n 6. Ask their advice.<\/em> A great way to show your parent love and respect\u2014and, especially, to affirm for them that they are still of true value to you\u2014is to sincerely ask them for advice about something going on in your life.<\/p>\n 7. Separate their emotional dysfunction from their cognitive dysfunction.<\/em> Insofar as you can, through your conversations and interactions with your parent, learn to distinguish between their emotional and cognitive dysfunction. The patterns of your parent\u2019s emotional dysfunctions will probably be familiar to you; those, you\u2019ll know how to deal with. But their cognitive dysfunctioning will probably be new to you. Track it; react to it gingerly; discuss it with your parent\u2019s health care providers. Mostly just be aware that it\u2019s new, and so demands a new kind of response. This is a part of the process where it\u2019s good to remember point 2.<\/p>\n 8. Love your health care providers.<\/em> During this phase of your life you don\u2019t have<\/em> better friends than those helping you care for your parent. Cleaning person; social worker; physical therapist; nurse; doctor; caring neighbor\u2014treat well each and every person who plays any role whatsoever in caring for your parent. When they think of your parent, you want everyone involved in their care to have good, positive thoughts; you want them to want<\/em> to care well for your mom or dad. Steady kindness, and little gifts here and there, can go a long way toward ensuring that\u2019s how they feel.<\/p>\n 9. Depend upon your spouse.<\/em> You may find that your parent is more comfortable relating to your spouse than to you. Though that can certainly hurt your feelings, don\u2019t let it. It\u2019s simply because your parent doesn\u2019t share with your spouse all the baggage they do with you; mainly, they\u2019ve never been the dominate force in your spouse\u2019s life. Your spouse and your parent are peers to a degree that you and your parent can never be. Let that work for you. Depend upon your spouse to be as instrumental in the care of your parent as he or she wants to be.<\/p>\n 10. Protect your buttons.<\/em> No one in this world knows your emotional buttons like your mom or dad does. Surround those buttons with titanium cases and lock them away where your parent couldn\u2019t find them with a Rorschach test. Unless he or she is an extraordinarily loving and mature person, your parent is bound to at least once try to push your buttons, if only to establish their erstwhile dominance over you. Don\u2019t let them do it. You might owe them your care; you don\u2019t owe them your emotional well-being. With your parent, let \u201cNo buttons for you!\u201d<\/em> be your motto.<\/p>\n 11. Prepare for sibling insanity.<\/em> Expect the worst from your sibling\/s. For perfectly understandable reasons, many people go positively bonkers when their parents start to die. Money; childhood mementos; furniture and possessions from the family house; money; diversified assets; money; the will<\/em> \u2026 you get the idea. Prepare for the coming crazy. Do not<\/em> participate in it yourself. Insofar as you must, of course protect yourself. But no amount of money is worth your dignity. [Tweet that<\/a>.]<\/p>\n 12. Take care of yourself. <\/em>It\u2019s so easy to surrender to the care of your aging parent more of your life than you should. But you serve well neither yourself nor them if you fail to take walks; to stretch out; to eat right; to make sure you spend quality time away from them. Make taking time to rejuvenate yourself as critical a part of your care routine for your parent as you do cooking their meals or making sure they take their meds. Your life still needs to be about you.<\/p>\n 13. Talk to a friend.<\/em> If you have a friend with whom you can regularly meet and talk, or even chat with on the phone, do it. During this time the input and love of a friend is invaluable to you. Sharing what you\u2019re going through with someone not immediately involved with it can be like a life preserver when you\u2019re bobbing in the ocean. As soon as you get involved with tending to your parent, call your best friend, and tell them that you\u2019re going to be depending upon them to do what friends do best: care, and listen.<\/p>\n 14. Have fun.<\/em> One of the things we most need in life is the one thing we most readily jettison once we begin caring for an elderly parent: fun. Fun! <\/em>Have some! Have lots! Rent a Marx Brothers movie. Wear a goofy hat. Make your parent wear a goofy hat\u2014when they\u2019re sleeping,<\/em> maybe! Whatever it takes. But remember: a day without fun is like a day where you almost go to jail for pushing your old mom or dad down a stairwell. Whenever, wherever, and however you can, truly enjoy.<\/p>\n 15. Pray\/meditate.<\/em> Life doesn\u2019t offer a lot that\u2019s more emotionally salient or complex than caring for an aging parent. Accordingly, then, open yourself up to God, whatever that might mean to you. Be sure to with some regularly get down on your knees, or sit comfortably in a quiet place; close your eyes; breathe deeply and slowly; and wait to come over you the peace that surpasses understanding. What you\u2019re undergoing with your parent right now is bigger than you, your parent, or anyone else involved. Do not fail to avail yourself of the great and mighty source from whose perspective it has all, already, been resolved.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014-<\/p>\n John Shore is author of the books Everywhere She\u2019s Not<\/a><\/span>, and UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question<\/a><\/span>.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the most emotionally complex and difficult things a person can experience is taking care of an elderly parent. I recently spent time tending to my aging, widowed father, and thought I\u2019d pass along these fifteen points, each of which I found to be significantly helpful during this phase of my own life. 1. 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