Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"John Shore\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/normanjohnshorejr\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2009-06-05T17:49:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"John Shore\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@johnshore\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"John Shore\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/\",\"name\":\"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2009-06-05T17:49:51+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2009-06-05T17:49:51+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#\/schema\/person\/f9fbc49b7ebdbde810a9be534f0b55de\"},\"description\":\"(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/\",\"name\":\"John Shore\",\"description\":\"Trying God's patience since 1958\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#\/schema\/person\/f9fbc49b7ebdbde810a9be534f0b55de\",\"name\":\"John Shore\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/664019b4cd2d3dcccd5ea644e4d50dfc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/664019b4cd2d3dcccd5ea644e4d50dfc?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"John Shore\"},\"description\":\"Author, \\\"Everywhere She's Not.\\\"\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/johnshore.com\",\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/normanjohnshorejr\",\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/johnshore\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/author\/unfundamentalistchristians\/\"}]}<\/script>\n","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies","description":"(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies","og_description":"(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/","og_site_name":"John Shore","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/normanjohnshorejr","article_published_time":"2009-06-05T17:49:51+00:00","author":"John Shore","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@johnshore","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"John Shore","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/","name":"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#website"},"datePublished":"2009-06-05T17:49:51+00:00","dateModified":"2009-06-05T17:49:51+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#\/schema\/person\/f9fbc49b7ebdbde810a9be534f0b55de"},"description":"(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/","name":"John Shore","description":"Trying God's patience since 1958","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#\/schema\/person\/f9fbc49b7ebdbde810a9be534f0b55de","name":"John Shore","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/664019b4cd2d3dcccd5ea644e4d50dfc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/664019b4cd2d3dcccd5ea644e4d50dfc?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"John Shore"},"description":"Author, \"Everywhere She's Not.\"","sameAs":["https:\/\/johnshore.com","https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/normanjohnshorejr","https:\/\/twitter.com\/johnshore"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/author\/unfundamentalistchristians\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3961","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1528"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3961"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3961\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3961"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3961"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3961"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}

{"id":3961,"date":"2009-06-05T10:49:51","date_gmt":"2009-06-05T17:49:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/?p=3961"},"modified":"2009-06-05T10:49:51","modified_gmt":"2009-06-05T17:49:51","slug":"reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/johnshore\/2009\/06\/reason-7-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships-he-lies\/","title":{"rendered":"Reason #7 Women Stay in Abusive Relationships: He Lies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them.)<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

(This is the next [and final] post in my series, 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships<\/a>. I have collected all my posts in this series into a 41-page document, entitled: \u201cSeven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships (and How To Defeat Each One of Them),\u201d and made it available here on Scribd.com<\/a> for free downloading and\/or online reading.)<\/em><\/p>\n

A man who abuses his wife or girlfriend doesn\u2019t have the same kind of relationship with the truth that normal people do. For him, the truth is entirely<\/em> conditional. This rare quality is what renders the abusive man so confounding, so dangerous. No matter how messed up they seem to be, most people, at some point, come down to a truth that for them is a constant. Something for them, which is organic to them, is always true for them. You never betray your family. You don\u2019t take what isn\u2019t yours. You never hit a woman. Whatever it might be for any given person, for them it\u2019s a constant. It\u2019s a steady, inviolate part of their consciousness and behavior.<\/p>\n

An abusive man has no consistent or immutable truth within him, because his entire life<\/em> is a lie. He<\/em> is a lie. When he goes out in the world, he does not go out as a man who beats his wife. He goes out as a man who shares the values and morals of all the men out in the world who don\u2019t<\/em> beat their wives. He is pretending to be someone he isn\u2019t. He is pretending to care about things he doesn\u2019t. He is pretending to believe in things he doesn\u2019t. He is pretending to have nothing in particular to be profoundly ashamed of.<\/p>\n

He is a lying. Not a little. Not about a particular aspect of who he is. He is lying, all the time, about the entirely of his life and character. And he needs you to be complicit in that lie. You are the nearby needle he needs to not<\/em> pop his balloon, the stage manager (and co-star) who makes his play possible. He depends upon your shame at being with the kind of man he is to stop you from publicly acknowledging that you are, in fact, with a man like him.<\/p>\n

Saying that a man\u2019s relationship with the truth is grounded in nothing isn\u2019t at all the same thing as saying that man\u2019s feelings, when aroused, are not fully felt and utterly sincere. Part of what keeps a woman in a relationship with an abusive man is how deeply he clearly feels it when he is in the throes of his remorse. He really means<\/em> he\u2019ll never hit you again. His tears are real. He is<\/em> profoundly, terribly, painfully sorry for what he has done.<\/p>\n

For as long as that mood lasts, that is. Which, if you\u2019re in an abusive relationship, you know is usually distressingly soon after you make it clear to him that you forgive him. That\u2019s usually all an abusive man needs to start seeing green lights again. Your forgiveness is all he needs to know you\u2019ll take more. Then it\u2019s just a matter of time before he gives it to you again.<\/p>\n

But yes, when the abusive man feels his regret, he feels it with all the passion and conviction that anyone ever feels such a thing. But he feels it in the only way he can\u2014which, because he is broken, means in such a way that it cannot stick. It doesn\u2019t go that deep; in doesn\u2019t sink that far in. It can\u2019t. That\u2019s what makes the abusive man such a freak.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re in an abusive relationship, what you must never, ever forget about your man is that he lies to you every time he looks at you. His whole life is a lie to you, himself, and everyone else in the world. An abusive man who is being charming or cute or funny or sentimental or sorry is like one of those wax hamburgers that restaurants use to illustrate their menus. They have virtually everything<\/em> going for them\u2014except that they aren\u2019t hamburgers. They\u2019re pretend hamburgers. They\u2019re pretend delicious. They\u2019re pretend nutritious. They have no more relationship to real food than a mannequin has to real people.<\/p>\n

When it comes to your abusive man, ignore what your eyes, ears, mind, and even heart tell you about him. You can believe nothing about him. It\u2019s like a nightmare: the best, surest, and quickest way to make one end is to simply open your eyes.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"