(Here\u2019s another excerpt from my play, \u201cSpeak of the Devil.\u201d [Pieces of the play I\u2019ve previously run are Satan\u2019s Ministers Await Satan\u2019s Arrival,<\/a> and Enter Satan<\/a>.] This scene opens with God and Satan in heaven.)<\/em><\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> You have free will.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> I know. I can\u2019t say I ever thought about it much.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> But you\u2019re not really the reflective type, are you?<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> What can I say? I\u2019m a doer.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Well, think about it right now, here. Imagine yourself without free will. Imagine them [humans] without it.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> I\u2019m not sure I can.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I know you can\u2019t. Tell you what. Let\u2019s have a demonstration, shall we?<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Something tells me we shall.<\/p>\n (MICHAEL enters. Though he came in to announce a visitor, he cannot stop staring at SATAN.)<\/p>\n MICHAEL:<\/strong> Sir. There\u2019s a \u2026 there\u2019s a \u2026 your \u2026 I\u2019m \u2026 your \u2026 there\u2019s a \u2026<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Person waiting to see me?<\/p>\n MICHAEL:<\/strong> Yes, sir.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I know. Send him in.<\/p>\n (MICHAEL exits.)<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> You didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I did.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> A mortal? Here?<\/p>\n GOD: <\/strong>Why not?<\/p>\n SATAN: <\/strong>What a day.<\/p>\n (MICHAEL returns with BOB, at whom he cannot stop staring.)<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Thank you, Michael.<\/p>\n (MICHAEL\u2019s attention is now riveted on SATAN)<\/p>\n GOD: <\/strong>Michael.<\/p>\n MICHAEL:<\/strong> Your Lordship.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> That is all. Thank you.<\/p>\n MICHAEL:<\/strong> Thank you, sir.<\/p>\n (MICHAEL exits)<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (flabbergasted at his surroundings): Whoa. Whoa!<\/em><\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Hi there, Bob.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Hi?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I\u2019m God.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (pause): Really?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Really. And this is Satan.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (pause): Really?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Really.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (to SATAN): Nice to meet you. I guess.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Pleasure\u2019s all mine, Bob.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (to GOD): Is he really Satan?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> He is.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Am I dead?<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Not yet. (To GOD, immediately) Sorry.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Seriously. Am I in hell?<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Not yet. (GOD spins him and crashes him to the ground): Sorry! Sorry, Bob!<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said a bunch of times that a room in hell would be better than this crappy apartment I\u2019ve been living in. Man, I can\u2019t believe how right I was<\/em> about that.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> You\u2019re not dead, Bob. And this isn\u2019t hell.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> For sure?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> For sure.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Cool.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> So tell us how you are, Bob.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I\u2019m good. Good. Okay.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Everything going pretty well in your life?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Can\u2019t complain.<\/p>\n SATAN<\/strong> (to GOD): May I\u2026?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Okay. But carefully.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Bob.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yeah?<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Be honest with us.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> How are things going for you?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Fine.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Bob.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yeah?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Be real.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Things are pretty messed up for me right now.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Really?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Well, yeah. I mean, you know. I lost my job. My wife left me. I practically never see my kid.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> That\u2019s terrible.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> [bleepin\u2019] a, Bubba.<\/p>\n (SATAN snorts\/laughs)<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (to GOD): I\u2019m sorry! Please excuse me. I gotta [bleep] mouth on me.<\/p>\n (SATAN snorts again)<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> What I meant to say is that you\u2019re right, your \u2026 Godship. It is extremely terrible not being able to see my son. It\u2019s awful. I love him.<\/p>\n GOD<\/strong> (to SATAN): Hear that? He loves his little boy.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> I heard it.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Tell us about your son, Bob.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> There\u2019s really not much to tell, I guess. He\u2019s four. Kid kills me. I love him. He\u2019s perfect. If he didn\u2019t look like me, I wouldn\u2019t believe he was mine.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Are you sure he is?<\/p>\n GOD<\/strong> (warning SATAN): Hey! Hey!<\/em><\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Sorry again. I absolutely am. Force of habit.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I\u2019ll shave your head and glue a nun\u2019s habit to it if you don\u2019t mind yourself. So you were saying about your son, Bob?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I was gonna say I know he\u2019s mine. (to SATAN, angrily) I know<\/em> he\u2019s mine. He \u2026. (BOB chokes up a little)<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> What is it, Bob? He what?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> He talks out of the side of his mouth, exact same way I do.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Ahh.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> That is<\/em> cute.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (To SATAN, with fury): How the [bleep] do you know if it\u2019s cute? You better stay the [bleep] away from my kid! You go anywhere near<\/em> that kid, and I\u2019ll cut your [bleep bleep] off! You hear me?! I\u2019ll cut those [bleep] off, you [bleep]! You stay away from my kid!<\/em><\/p>\n SATAN<\/strong> (to GOD): So you see it\u2019s not all downhill for me.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Gee. Imagine how I pity you.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> I know. I\u2019m just saying.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Bob. It\u2019s all right, Bob. Listen to me. Listen.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Do you wish things would get better for you, Bob?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I sure do.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> In what ways?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Well, I\u2019d like to get my job back, for one. Or some job, anyway. I\u2019m for shit at sittin\u2019 around the house all day starin\u2019 at the walls.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> You miss working.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I do. And I definitely miss gettin\u2019 paid.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Money\u2019s good.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Does he have to talk?<\/p>\n GOD<\/strong> (pointedly, to SATAN): No.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> What? I\u2019m just saying. Money\u2019s good.<\/p>\n GOD<\/strong> (to BOB): So you\u2019d like to be working again. What else?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Honestly?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I\u2019m God, Bob.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I\u2019d love to have my wife back.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> You\u2019d like Carrie and you to be together again.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> I would. That\u2019s \u2026 what I want. I want Carrie and Tommy to come back.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> But \u2026 your apartment.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (angrily): Not back in there! <\/em>In our house! Back in the house we used to live in.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> So you\u2019d like to again be Cassie\u2019s husband and Tommy\u2019s father.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> And what are you doing to help make that happen, Bob?<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Oh, I can answer that! You\u2019ve quit drinking, right Bob?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> That\u2019s fantastic. How does that make you feel?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> Fine. I don\u2019t care how it makes me feel. I don\u2019t care about anything but gettin\u2019 my wife and kid back.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> Admirable.<\/p>\n GOD<\/strong> (to SATAN): Watch yourself. I know you\u2019ve already started a scheme to bring pot into Bob\u2019s life.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> You have?<\/p>\n SATAN<\/strong> (To GOD): I have not. (SATAN drops to his knees in pain. Wincing, to BOB) Ignore the guy two doors down from you.<\/p>\n BOB<\/strong> (to GOD): Do it to him again. Zap him again.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> I might. But for now this is about you, Bob. You want your wife and child back, you\u2019d like to start working again, and you\u2019ve stopped drinking.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n SATAN:<\/strong> And you enjoy watching me get zapped.<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> Are you trying hard, Bob?<\/p>\n BOB:<\/strong> At what?<\/p>\n GOD:<\/strong> At reuniting with Carrie and Tom. At getting your life together. At fixing what you\u2019ve broken.<\/p>\n