{"id":751,"date":"2015-06-29T15:59:04","date_gmt":"2015-06-29T22:59:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rickhanson.net\/?p=25316"},"modified":"2015-06-29T15:59:04","modified_gmt":"2015-06-29T22:59:04","slug":"from-shame-to-self-worth-development-of-shame-spectrum-feelings-in-childhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/justonething\/2015\/06\/from-shame-to-self-worth-development-of-shame-spectrum-feelings-in-childhood\/","title":{"rendered":"From Shame to Self-Worth: Development of Shame Spectrum Feelings in Childhood"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Welcome to the third and last part of the series, From Shame to Self-Worth<\/em>. Last week we discussed the Neurobiology of Shame here<\/a>\u00a0and we started with the Introduction here<\/a>.<\/p>\n

This week we will learn that shame is a very primal emotion, one that has a lot of traction in the mind.<\/p>\n

As we grow up, from infants to adults, shame elaborates many nuances, like the branches and twigs growing from a single trunk.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s consider four common sources of shame spectrum feelings.<\/p>\n

First, consider a young child who is continually signaling her state of being and her needs. Maybe her caregivers respond routinely with attunement, empathy, and skillful responsiveness: this sends messages, associated with positive feelings, of existing for and mattering to her caregivers, of being inside the circle.<\/p>\n

Or maybe her caregivers ignore her signals, or continually misinterpret them, or simply have a kind of dismissive tone \u2013 \u201cI\u2019ll put up with you if you don\u2019t ask too much of me\u201d \u2013 or even punish her for expressing her needs at all: this sends messages, associated with negative feelings, of not mattering (and sometimes not even existing), of being outside the circle. As many such experiences get layered on top of each other, there is a growing sense of being unwanted, of lacking value.<\/p>\n

In the extreme, in cases of severe neglect and abuse, there can be a global sense of worthlessness.<\/p>\n

More commonly, a kind of bargain is struck, in which the child learns that as long as she walks inside certain lines \u2013 and inhibits certain forms of expressing her true self (her true needs, her true feelings, her true perceptions of her world) \u2013 then the supply train keeps coming and all is well. But step outside those lines and wham, it\u2019s the chilly exile or the hot attack.<\/p>\n

Second, a child\u2019s environment \u2013 both adults and peers \u2013 will praise certain qualities and behaviors and criticize or punish others. Those behaviors and qualities get associated with feelings of worth \u2013 or shame.<\/p>\n

For example, the psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, described shame in terms of Freud\u2019s stages of psychosexual development, as the emotion that arises naturally when that which should be hidden (e.g., excretions, private parts) is exposed. But how would a child know that certain natural aspects of life should be hidden without messages from his environment.<\/p>\n

So what is it that gets criticized? Certainly, it is specific behaviors, and there is a place for that in healthy child-rearing. Examples include hitting your kid brother, lying, or stealing another kid\u2019s cookie. Even if the criticism is not so wholesome, as long as it stays at the behavioral level, it\u2019s not so bad.<\/p>\n

But it rarely does. It\u2019s a short hop from \u201cThat was so stupid\u201d to \u201cYou\u2019re so stupid,\u201d from criticisms of actions to criticisms of persons.<\/p>\n

That criticism is often conveyed implicitly, as a communication of disdain, disrespect, contempt, scorn. Think of the power in human societies when certain groups institutionalize the devaluation of others. I still remember my shock in 1963 in North Carolina for the summer when I saw three bathrooms at a gas station, labeled \u201cMen,\u201d \u201cWomen,\u201d and \u201cColored.\u201d As if African-Americans were something other than \u201cregular\u201d men and women, and not just other, but less as well in not being worth separate bathrooms for their own men and women. Racism has certainly not disappeared in the past 45 years, and other forms of devaluation exist today; just think of the fear-driven labeling these days of Arabs and others from the Middle East.<\/p>\n

Researchers such as John Gottman have found that disdain is typically the most corrosive element in a relationship. Be very careful with it. It\u2019s especially insidious when we feel it is justified, as with others in the political world that we disagree with. Or those in our everyday life who are Exhibit A for a roll of the eyes and the thought, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to be kidding!\u201d<\/p>\n

In turn, those criticisms of the individual overall are very easy to internalize, and \u201cYou\u2019re so stupid\u201d becomes \u201cI\u2019m so stupid.\u201d The contempt of others become hatred of the self. In terms of transactional analysis models of the personality \u2013 classically, child\/nurturing parent\/critical parent . . . or the modern formulation of victim\/persecutor\/protector \u2013 the internalized critic or persecutor has way too much power, and the internalized nurturing parent or protector is too weak.<\/p>\n

Third, we are intensely social animals, with an evolutionary history that associates survival with belonging to a group, for its protections, nurturance, and opportunities for finding a mate and passing on one\u2019s genes. To be outcast, exiled, banished, shunned, etc. is a terrible thing, exposed to the cold whistling winds of the elemental world, trudging alone and vulnerable through life. Traditionally, it was the most severe punishment short of death, which puts it in perspective.<\/p>\n

Those associations are active somewhere deep in the brain when a preschooler trots over to a group of children to play and they ignore her, when a child gets picked last for a team, when you audition for the school play and don\u2019t get a part, when you apply to a special college and don\u2019t get in, when you aren\u2019t hired for the job . . . whenever by action or word you\u2019re told: \u201cYou are the weakest link!\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re fired!\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ve been voted off the island.\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s kind of sick that there is a weird vicarious gleeful schadenfreude \u2013 pleasure in another\u2019s misery \u2013 in reality shows watched by millions in which one person after another gets publicly scorned and rejected until there is only one . . . \u201cAmerican idol!!!!!\u201d It\u2019s somewhat the modern equivalent of the gladiator battles in the ancient Roman Coliseum.<\/p>\n

These associations to lethal exile are triggered in one-to-one contexts as well, when someone doesn\u2019t want to be your friend, or lover, or mate . . . especially if they have been that to you \u2013 and don\u2019t want that any longer. When these events occur, haunted by their ancient shadows, they typically trigger strong and painful feelings of being unwanted \u2013 because, in fact, that is indeed the case.<\/p>\n

Fourth, to function in life, we need to learn from our experiences, and that requires feedback. We have to look in the mirror and see if there\u2019s some spinach stuck in our teeth. We need that internal evaluator continually registering: that worked and that didn\u2019t; that helped and that hurt.<\/p>\n

As long as the evaluator is clear-eyed and friendly, it\u2019s a wonderful internal resource. But if it grows harsh \u2013 often through absorbing the emotional residues of the anger and contempt of others, or the meanings derived from social exclusions \u2013 it can become a terrible monkey on your back . . . actually, worse, a terrible growling spitting monkey in your mind. This negativistic evaluator blurs together with the internalized critic\/persecutor, and then looks continually for the shortfall between \u201cshould\u201d and \u201cdid.\u201d<\/p>\n

With each lash of the critical whip, the evaluator gets a little more powerful, and the inner self gets a little more cowed and resigned.<\/p>\n

And so it goes, and here we are today.<\/p>\n

These four sources of shame-spectrum feelings are exacerbated by a range of external factors, such as:<\/p>\n