<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n
\u201cI am so old. My whole body hurts. I have suffered much,\u201d her eyes shine with joy as she speaks, \u201coh, I am suffering. But whatever He wants. Whatever God wants!\u201d And she laughs and she laughs.<\/p>\n
We sit in our circle in the dust of a slum and we share our hearts and our prayers. Jja Ja Maria, who looks to be a hundred years old and reaches no higher than my shoulders, is the last to share.<\/p>\n
Her life, it has been hard.<\/i> She is in Jinja because she had to flee from the war in the North that tore apart her life and her family. Her son was shot last week by a soldier on the border of Uganda and Sudan and frail, little Jja Ja had made the 13 hour bus ride in the stifling heat and watched as they had lowered her last living child into the ground. The journey had taken almost a week and when she came back she found her grandchildren sick and even though her whole body ached from travel she still took them to the clinic and continued bending over her work so that she could make enough money to put food on the table. Now she is back and we are happy to embrace her and ask about her journey and ask how we can pray for her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat ever He wants,\u201d she chuckles.<\/p>\n
I look at the joy that is spilling out of her wrinkled face and I repeat the words that she has spoken in my head and that doesn\u2019t make sense. She is hurt and she is suffering and she is laughing about it and sparkling with beauty and radiating Joy.<\/p>\n
That doesn\u2019t make sense. Not to me. Not yet.<\/p>\n
But she already knows what I am just learning. That even this, it is from Him. Even this, it is Holy ground. This thing that I label suffering, it is really Joy.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes disaster come to a city unless the Lord has planned it?\u201d Amos 3:6<\/p>\n
I live with these human eyes, and with these human eyes of mine I label. I label one thing as good and one thing as bad. I label moments as blessing or burden. And I forget that all this labeling, it is not my right, not my place, not mine to do. To declare what is a gift in my life and what is a curse is to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, to sit in the garden full of abundance and beauty and choose the forbidden. The knowledge of good and evil, that was never intended for me. Could I, like Jja Ja Maria just quit my labeling and say, \u201cWhatever God wants. Whatever HE wants!\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
Because God IS. \u201cI AM.\u201d He tells Moses and still today He IS. And if every good and perfect gift is from above, and a Good and Beautiful God can create only good and beauty then these moments that I choose to label as loss and suffering, they are really good and beautiful, perfect gifts?<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
\u201cSee now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; it is I who put to death and I who give life. I have wounded and it is I who heal.\u201d Deuteronomy 32:29<\/p>\n
Suffering, pain, loss, shame \u2013 all these things I have blamed on a broken world, Satan even. But can\u2019t a broken world and even Satan only give what God allows? Suffering, pain loss and shame are only these things because I label them as such. Because I, a sinner, choose to eat from the tree, choose to turn away from nail-scarred hands and ignore the grace and miss the gift. He is beautiful and everything He creates is beautiful and if I choose to label it suffering I am choosing to miss the beauty that is freely offered me.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
On Friday I got a call from Jane\u2019s birth mom that she had gotten her leg stuck in the chain of a bicycle. Five hours later I walked into a hospital room where she lay sedated, her heel bleeding and her tendon exposed, but untouched. The nurse saw my appalled, grief twisted face and shook her head. \u201cGod is good,\u201d she whispered. \u201cGod\u2019s grace\u2026She could have lost that foot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
\u201cGod\u2019s grace,\u201d I thought, and I wondered what if she had<\/i>? What if the tendon had been ripped clean through and she never were to walk again? What of when she was ripped from my life and left with a woman who doesn\u2019t even care to supervise her and so she lays here hurt and bleeding and so far, far away from me?<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
What if God\u2019s grace is not when He saves us, but that He saved us.<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/i><\/p>\n
\u201cSurely, just as I have intended, so it has happened and just as I have planned so it will stand.\u201d Isaiah 14:24<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
Just as He intended. <\/i>Even this, planned by God.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
And if this is what He intended (and it is), then that means that every moment \u2013 the moment when my daughter\u2019s tiny fingers were pried from around my neck, the moment in that hospital room, the moments when I hold babies and watch as they breathe their last and their mothers crumple to the floor and the moment when a dear grandmother hears that her son has been shot, and the moments when the laundry piles over my head and the children bicker and hurts from their past make them do the unspeakable and I don\u2019t even know how to parent \u2013 every moment is His grace, a gift. Could I look and say, \u201cwhatever He wants, this is my gift for today.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
God, who is Good and who is Beauty, and who saved us, even me undeserving, He can only give grace.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
And I have a choice. I can let those wounded hands pull me close and I can choose to see the grace in this moment or I can again label, choosing to ignore the gift.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
I see it deep in Jja Ja\u2019s eyes, she knows. Even this suffering, He did this. He did this, not because He doesn\u2019t know the ache \u2013 He does. He did this, a gift to me.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
For the good of me. For the good of her. For the good of us<\/i>, those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. For the good of all this world and the glory that is His.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
And I know in that moment, I can choose to label the ripped open heel and the ripped open family or I can choose to count it as a gift, God\u2019s grace. And the beauty is not in the circumstance or the label but the fact that in His graciousness He is here with me anyway, regardless of the circumstance or the way I choose to view it. The grace of being near to Him in trial, as long as I can chose to see it, is certainly the greatest grace of all.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
This is what Jja Ja knows and this is what I am learning. God\u2019s grace is not blessing, earthly reassure, our security or even the security of our children. God\u2019s grace is not that all is \u201cwell\u201d and right in my eyes. God\u2019s grace is not when<\/i> He saves us but that He saved<\/i> us.<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
Here I am face to face with Jesus in the dirt and all I have to do is choose to see, accept the grace offered freely. His compassion and His mercy, this Grace, it never fails. Each moment each breath, is a gift simply and only because I get to spend it with Him. <\/span><\/p>\n\n<\/p>
Because of the Lord\u2019s great love we are not consumed for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23<\/p>\n
\n<\/p>
Whatever He wants. And I am thankful.<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/i><\/p>\n
** Ps. I am reading this FABULOUS book that is healing my heart and helping me to see more clearly. <\/i>One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp<\/a><\/i>. If you don\u2019t have a copy, you should get one, TODAY and prepare for your view of life to be forever altered \u2013 for the better.<\/i><\/p>\n\n<\/p>
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