{"id":654,"date":"2012-04-11T14:54:17","date_gmt":"2012-04-11T02:54:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/kiwimormon.com\/?p=654"},"modified":"2012-04-11T14:54:17","modified_gmt":"2012-04-11T02:54:17","slug":"on-coming-home-to-my-mormon-husband","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/kiwimormon\/2012\/04\/on-coming-home-to-my-mormon-husband\/","title":{"rendered":"On coming home to my Mormon husband"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

In recent times I\u2019ve usually been able to head overseas for work\/research at least twice a year (its tough but someone has to do it).\u00a0 It seems to have developed into a rhythm where I have a two week visit to the US and one shorter trip to Australia.\u00a0 There\u2019s enough of a pattern in my work trips that Nathan can predict my mood when I get home.\u00a0 That super-maternal gene must have missed a beat with me because instead of heading down the ramp ahead of the pack in anticipation of reuniting with the whanau (family) I really struggle to fit back into domesticity with the kind of aplomb that seems to be a prerequisite for my gender.\u00a0 Truth be told my family and I suffer for at least two days post-return as I cower from the noise, the demands, the aggravation and the relentless work of motherhood.<\/p>\n

As the van pulls up to collect me from the airport, filled with eager and expectant faces, I have to rustle up any enthusiasm for the coming onslaught.\u00a0 I suppose I\u2019d rather be missed than not but its very difficult to feel excited about my reintroduction to children and domesticity, particularly after enjoying the quiet satisfaction of my recent independence and solitude.\u00a0 For two weeks I\u2019ve been able to concentrate on my work, my intellectual interests and hold adult conversations without the competing demands of a busy household.\u00a0 In these two days following my return home I usually find myself in a fug that has me reassessing everything about my life, my priorities and my marriage, children, God, religion.\u00a0 Even rugby doesn\u2019t feel \u2018true\u2019.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

At my lowest point on one of these returns, I\u2019ve told Nathan that my mood was entirely his fault.\u00a0 If he hadn\u2019t felt compelled to proposition me with his very Mormon, \u2018you\u2019re the one God wants me to be with for eternity\u2019 proposal I wouldn\u2019t be in this state of emotional funk.<\/p>\n

\u2018What you don\u2019t understand is\u2019, I explain to him, \u2018I\u2019m not actually like this in real life.\u00a0 I\u2019m not a bear with a sore head.\u00a0 I\u2019m happy and pleasant when I\u2019m alone.\u00a0 I actually feel joy, personal peace, and bliss.\u00a0 That\u2019s the authentic me.\u00a0 Being a mother and inheriting the \u2018homemaker\u2019 designation is what makes me pissy and wound up \u2013 it doesn\u2019t feel authentic.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re such a pain in the arse\u2019, he retorts.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>\u2018Well you could have married someone less complicated.\u00a0 Someone like the mother on Cheaper By the Dozen<\/em> who suffers egregiously in familial absence.\u00a0 Someone who looks up with contentment from her \u2018Love is Spoken Here\u2019 embroidery to check on the bubbling casserole that she has timed to finish when you walk in the door.\u00a0 You could have married someone who anticipates the Mormon milestones with the same enthusiasm that you do \u2013 baptisms, confirmations, ordinations, missions, temple sealings.\u00a0 (My latest contribution to a son\u2019s baptism was to ask him why he\"\"<\/a> doesn\u2019t want to join the Anglicans \u2013 their services are shorter, the music is better, and the Priest\u2019s sermons are usually fine scriptural expositions on a social justice theme).\u00a0 She might have been a Mormon Mommy Blogger who share\u2019s frosted cup cake recipes for FHE with her extensive online community.\u00a0 (I find FHE tedious and have recently led a coup where all of the children voted me in as the preferred parent to conduct because \u2018Dad takes too long and his lessons are boring\u2019).\u00a0 Your ideal wife could have been milder, more even tempered, and gentler with you, and the children.\u00a0 She might have loved this Mormon life without question and lived it with absolute commitment.\u00a0 In BKP\u2019s estimation I fail on all fronts.\u00a0 I\u2019m a straight gay ally, I\u2019m a working mother, I\u2019m a scholar, and I\u2019m a feminist.\u00a0 I\u2019m simply don\u2019t feel suitable!\u00a0 What the hell am I doing being a Mormon?\u2019<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>And here\u2019s the thing about this Mormon life of mine!\u00a0 It\u2019s filled with paradox and incongruity.\u00a0 Because out of my greatest frustration also comes my greatest joy.\u00a0 As one foot rushes for the door, one gentle hand holds me back. As one frowning and disapproving face beats me down from the podiums on high, another looks at me with infinite admiration and respect on the pillow next to mine. As yet another correlated lesson on sustaining the priesthood is slammed shut by me in frustration, tender hands are placed on my head and a blessing that offers genuine comfort is administered.\u00a0 And as I consider my latest theoretical plan to do a bunk and forsake the shackles of domesticity, revelation comes to my flawed and imperfect Mormon husband and bursts through on his beloved words.\u00a0 Words I\u2019ve been familiar with for almost 20 years now.\u00a0 Words that only one who has been touched by a divine presence has the power to utter.\u00a0 Words that break through my self pity, self interest, and self involvement.\u00a0 Words that drip with empathy, understanding, goodness and kindness.\u00a0\u00a0 Words that call me home.<\/p>\n

Once again I steel myself against the barrage of short embodied testosterone and with confidence I am able to proclaim;\u00a0 I\u2019m a straight gay ally, I\u2019m a scholar, I\u2019m a working mother, I\u2019m a feminist, I\u2019m a Mormon mother AND I\u2019m the wife of a good faithful Mormon man who loves me for those very things that seem to set me at odds with my religion.\u00a0 And until I go away again, home, husband and children is where I\u2019ll find my bliss.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In recent times I\u2019ve usually been able to head overseas for work\/research at least twice a year (its tough but someone has to do it).\u00a0 It seems to have developed into a rhythm where I have a two week visit to the US and one shorter trip to Australia.\u00a0 There\u2019s enough of a pattern in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1182,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5,14,25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-654","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-church-culture","category-marriage-and-family","category-new-zealand-mormon-feminist-thought"],"yoast_head":"\nOn coming home to my Mormon husband<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In recent times I\u2019ve usually been able to head overseas for work\/research at least twice a year (its tough but someone has to do it).\u00a0 It seems to have\" \/>\n<meta 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