Columbus, Georgia – Satan is sending unholy thoughts, urges, and sinful temptations into the hearts and minds of the godly a Southern Baptist minister is telling his congregation. And he isn’t doing it via a laptop or smartphone. Lucifer is beaming evil directly into believers via wi-fi.
Reverend Andrew Canard is 58-years-old and minister at Stone Zeppelin Baptist Church. For the last 28 years this man of God worked wonders in the community exorcising evil spirits from local wells and speaking in tongues at the local Subway eatery. His faithful flock are used to Revered Canard’s unique take on Jesus.
”He made his own whip and thrashed some Yankee who said he didn’t like sweet tea,” Billy ‘Eat Fresh’ MacDonald said. “Jesus did the same to money lenders in the Temple. Local police thought they wouldn’t have arrested the Messiah and so they didn’t charge Reverend Canard.”Even Reverend Canard’s most ardent admirers were surprised when he told them never to be in the vicinity of wi-if again due to the machanations of the Evil One. This effectively means never entering a McDonald’s ever again. And that caused a considerable amount of consternation amongst the faithful.
After a lot of prayer, Reverend Canard stated it’s OK to eat McDonald’s food. Members of Stone Zeppelin Baptist Church just need to find a random Jew to pick up the Quarter Pounder, fries, and Coke for them.”They’ve already renounced Jesus in their hearts, so it no biggie,” one anonymous follower of Christ quipped as they munched down their #1 meal.
McDonald’s is trying to get one step ahead of this potential faith-based crisis by bringing in a team of preacher-men consultants. Their aim is to protect the wi-fi from Lucifer. Soon, McDonalds’ will be able to certify their wi-fi is heaven sent.