Washington DC – Hurricane Dorian is expected to slam into Florida as a category 4 storm. Residents can expect storm surges, heavy rain, and winds ranging from 130 to 156 miles per hour. Responding to the crisis, President Trump is vowing to protect the people of Florida with a wall of paper towels.
In a series of tweets, President Trump revealed his master plan to stop Hurricane Dorian in its tracks. His scheme focuses on reassuring the people of Florida they will be protected by a wall of paper towels.
Florida is a GREAT place. Our first responders will have all the tools they need. FEMA will have everything it needs. Home Depot, Lowes, and Big Y are contributing millions of rolls of paper towels to build a BIG beautiful wall. Look out Dorian, America is ready!
CNN, The New York Times, and other major news centers immediately jumped on the story. Is the President of the United States actually planning to create a wall of paper towels to fight Hurricane Dorian?
“The President and his team have a four-point plan,” explained White House spokesperson Stephanie Grisham. “National Guard units are teaming up with first responders, the newly created Thoughts and Prayers Center is mobilized, citizens have been notified to evacuate certain areas, and a fifty-foot high tall wall of paper towels is being erected on Florida’s east coast.”
White House insiders report President Trump first came up with the idea of erecting a giant wall of paper towels to fend off monster storms after Puerto Rico was devastated by Hurricane Maria in 2017. After the storm, Trump tossed out paper towels to citizens who had their lives destroyed. Within days the commander-in-chief formed a multidisciplinary team of paper towel experts and meteorologists.
The anti-hurricane strategy titled Operation Great Wall of Bounty was born.President Trump reassured Floridians Operation Great Wall of Bounty is going to stop Hurricane Dorian.
Walls. Walls help keep rain out of your house. Our wall of paper towels is better than those walls. Our walls will suck up all the Raine of Hurricane Dorian. ALL OF IT!
Trump supporters are excited about the innovative plan that is definitely not destined to fail. Many Trumpists are furious why Obama never used rolls of paper towels to erect anti-hurricane walls.
One GOP stalwart remarked, “It’s because he hates America and American paper towels.”
In related news, FEMA is wondering Why is Trump using our money to fund detention centers?