Vatican City – Pope Francis stepped down from being the head of the Catholic Church earlier today. The sudden move by the popular Francis is shaking the Catholic world to its very foundations. Millions of believers are asking why?
Starting September 23, lovers of all things autumn can purchase limited-edition Spam Pumpkin Spice on Walmart and Spam’s online stores, a spokesperson for Hormel Foods told CNN.
There’s no pumpkin in this pork: It’s mixed with cinnamon, clove, allspice and nutmeg, according to the spokesperson.
What could a sweet mystery meat possibly pair well with? Spam recommends topping waffles with it, adding it to a fall vegetable hash or baking it into a cornbread muffin.
The problem of evil has haunted Christianity since its inception. If God is all-powerful, then why doesn’t He prevent evil? Blaming it on the victims (i.e., humanity’s sinful nature) just kicks the question down the road. As John Loftus and many other atheist writers point out, why didn’t God just skip over Adam and Eve and all that mess and plop people into heaven where sin doesn’t exist in the first place?
Despite Pope Francis’ Jesuit schooling, there was no way he could square the circle of the existence of an all-powerful and all good deity along with the existence of Pumpkin Spice Spam.
“Francis? He’s a good man. He wants there to be an almighty God, but the Pumpkin Spice Spam crushed his spirit,” said longtime friend and confidante Cardinal Andrew Canard. “The kid raping didn’t do it. It was the Spam.”
Catholic priests are telling their flocks about the evils of Pumpkin Spice Spam. Communities are organizing Spam burnings (an homage to book burnings).
And what about the man who was once Pope Francis? He is now an ordinary man who hates Pumpkin Spice Spam.