<\/p>
A bit of nonsense from several years ago. <\/p>\n
Scene 1 <\/p>\n
Mr Faust sitting in a big chair, with Little Faust on his lap, reading. Mrs Faust sitting in another chair, knitting or something. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: And I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night. <\/p>\n
(Closing book). Well, that\u2019s what happens on the night before Christmas. How did you like it? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: It\u2019s not real, is it, Daddy? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: What do you mean? Of course, it\u2019s real. Santa is real. The reindeer are real, the presents are real, the whole bit. Every last bit. Honest truth. Really. Truly. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: But it\u2019s not scientifically possible, Daddy. Reindeer can\u2019t fly. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Yes, dear. I\u2019ve been thinking the same thing. I wonder how it\u2019s all supposed to work. Aerodynamically speaking, it doesn\u2019t seem likely, does it? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: And how can one sleigh hold all of those presents. There must be tons. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Two million tons, by my calculations. But I don\u2019t see why it couldn\u2019t work. Think. Let\u2019s suppose that the reindeer were filled with helium. Would they float? Let me see (grabs a piece of paper and a pencil and begins writing furiously, erasing and frowning at what\u2019s on the paper). I can\u2019t quite remember the lung capacity of the average reindeer, but as best I remember it\u2019s enough so that a reindeer filled with helium could float. Or what about jet packs? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: I want a jet pack for Christmas. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Suppose the reindeer were wearing jet packs. They could fly that way. But I suspect that there\u2019s something else. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: What? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Genetic engineering. Listen, in a lab scientists can mutate fruitflies so that they grow legs out of their heads, or wings where their legs should be. I\u2019ll bet that Santa has a genetic lab at the north pole, where he genetically alters reindeer so that they have wings on the sides. That way, they could fly anywhere they wanted. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: I want a genetic lab for Christmas. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: But, dear, you\u2019re forgetting one important factor. Heat. Reindeer traveling fast enough to go around the world and visit every home on a single night would be burned to a crisp. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Elementary, my dear. Perfectly elementary. Santa\u2019s equipped the reindeer with heat shields. How else could it be done? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: What I really want is a heat shield. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: We\u2019ll if you\u2019re right, then Santa has been far ahead of the rest of the world in developing technology. He\u2019s been using flying reindeer for hundreds of years, and we\u2019re only beginning to understand how to control mutations. And how did he find out about heat shields, centuries before they were invented? It\u2019s all very mysterious. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: You\u2019re right. Now that I think about it, it\u2019s uncanny. He\u2019s some kind of super-duper genius. Man, I\u2019d give anything to have that kind of knowledge, to invent things that the rest of the world wouldn\u2019t understand for hundreds of years. Anything. <\/p>\n
Thunderclap or threatening piano chord, and a puff of smoke. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: What was that? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Maybe a sonic boom from Santa\u2019s sleigh. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: No, it was I. I heard someone say he was willing to give anything to be as great a scientist as Santa. Did I hear correctly? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: How did you get in here? I sure hope you wiped your feet. It\u2019s really sloppy outside. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Well, yes. I guess I said that. But I say, what\u2019s the idea here? What are you doing in my house? And how\u2019d you get in? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Elementary, Mr Faust. That is your name, isn\u2019t it? You heard that thunderclap . . . <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Sounded more like a piano chord to me. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Yes, well. Good meteorological help is hard to get these days. In any case, the sound you heard was the sound of me arriving from the eighth dimension, which is called Emcron. I have come to fulfill your request. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Emcron? Say, are you some kind of lunatic? Have you escaped from the asylum? I\u2019m going to call the police. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: It will do no good. And besides, if you do, you\u2019ll never receive the knowledge that I have to offer. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: What kind of knowledge? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Why, here I am just sitting here. Could I get you some cookies? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: No, but thank you very much. The knowledge that will enable you to become a greater scientist than even Santa Claus, the knowledge that will help you unlock the secret of life, the universe, and everything, the knowledge that will bring you unimagined power and wealth and fame. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: And what makes you think you can give me this knowledge? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: I taught Santa Claus everything he knows. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Do his reindeer use jetpacks? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Ha! Nothing so simple and easy. You couldn\u2019t even begin to understand how Santa makes the reindeer fly. He is so far advanced that you are all children compared to him. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: I\u2019m a child compared to most people. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Then you\u2019re even MORE of a child compared to the great Santa. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: You taught Santa? Then who are you? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: I ride on the waves of the wind, I surf on the beams of light from the sun, I pierce the sky and travel to the stars. I am Mephistopheles, the great. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Mephisopheles? I\u2019ve heard of you. Did you used to be on that sour cream commercial? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Which one? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Oh, you know, the one where the man is diving into a swimming pool full of sour cream. I think he\u2019s supposed to be showing how creamy it is. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: You know, I heard the first guy who did that commercial ended up drowning. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Really? That\u2019s awful. <\/p>\n
Mephisopheles: What kind of sour cream was it? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: I can\u2019t remember. You know how commercials are. You can remember the commercial but you can\u2019t remember what the product was. I don\u2019t see how they help sell things. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: You know, I\u2019ve noticed that too. There\u2019s this one with Michael Jordan that I\u2019ve seen, and he\u2019s jumping all over the place and all you see are his shoes. But I can\u2019t for the life of me remember what they were trying to sell. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Can we get back to the point please? I\u2019m being tempted here. You haven\u2019t been in commercials, have you? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: No. But I\u2019ve auditioned several times. It\u2019s such a competitive business. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: That\u2019s what I read in Good Housekeeping. Or what is the Journal of Astrophysics? I can\u2019t remember. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Stick to the point please. You were offering me knowledge, power, wealth, and fame. And I don\u2019t suppose that this comes for free. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Of course not. There ain\u2019t no such thing as a free lunch. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: I\u2019m hungry. Can I have a snack? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: OK, name your price. I want this more than anything else in the world. I\u2019ll give up anything. Anything. Do you want my soul? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Pfuffst. That\u2019s so old fashioned. What would I do with a soul? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: You haven\u2019t got one yourself, have you? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Now, now, Byron. Be polite to Mr Mephistopheles. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: What then? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Do you have any connections in show business? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: I shook hands with Brad Pitt on
\nce. He was shopping at Walmart. He\u2019s such a regular guy. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Oh, now, dear. That wasn\u2019t Brad Pitt. That was that nice-looking checkout clerk. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Really? He sure looked like Brad Pitt. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Anyway, not good enough. Let\u2019s see. What could I ask for? I\u2019ve got it. What I\u2019ve always wanted is a fluffy white kitten, just to have as my own. Emcron is a pretty lonely dimension, you know. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: A little white kitten? That\u2019s easy. The Dantes next door have one. We can just go and buy it from them. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Hold on, not so fast. Not just any fluffy white kitten will do. It must be a perfect specimen, without blemish, with pure silken hair, blazing green eyes, perfectly formed ears. He has to be perfect in every way. Perfect. Oh, and make sure he\u2019s declawed. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Where am I supposed to find a kitten like that? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: That your business. I\u2019m in the temptation business, see? And it\u2019s your job to succomb to the temptation. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Is that really your job, Daddy? I thought you worked on a ranch. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: No, dear, you\u2019re Daddy works at Pennys and sells cosmeti . . . <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Never mind that now. It doesn\u2019t matter. Even if I have to go to the ends of the earth, I\u2019ll find that kitten. It\u2019s worth it to become as great a scientific genius as Santa Claus. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: There is one small catch, though. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Naturally. Go ahead, I can take it. <\/p>\n
Mephisopheles: If you DON\u2019T find that kitten by Christmas Eve, I\u2019ll turn YOU into a fluffy white kitten. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Why don\u2019t you save time and turn him into a kitten right now? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Not a bad idea. Hey, kid, ever think of going into the temptation business? You\u2019d be good. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Naw. I want to work on a ranch like my Daddy. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Christmas? That\u2019s only three days away. How can I find a perfect fluffy white kitten in only three days? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Now, dear. I think you\u2019d better think hard about this. You know how stuffy you get around kittens. If he turned you into a kitten, I just don\u2019t know what you would do. Maybe you should just give up the whole thing.
Mr Faust: Give it up? Give it up? How can I possibly do that? I tell you, I\u2019m made for knowledge, I hunger and thirst for knowledge, knowledge is my passion. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: And it\u2019s better than selling cosmetics. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: That too. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Moma, what are cosmetics? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Later, dear. Your Daddy\u2019s being tempted. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: I won\u2019t back out. I will find that fluffy white kitten, or die trying. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: That\u2019s the spirit. That\u2019s what I like to hear. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: I really don\u2019t think this is a good idea. You should reconsider. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Never. I\u2019m in, Mr M. See you in three days. <\/p>\n
Mephisopheles: TTFN. <\/p>\n
(Another piano chord and a puff of smoke.) <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: I\u2019m off, dear. When you next see me, I\u2019ll be smarter than Newton, Einstein, and Lawrence Welk put together. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust exits. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Don\u2019t go, dear. Come back. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust exits. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: I thought I was going to get a heat shield. <\/p>\n
Act 2 <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust and Little Faust sitting at a table eating. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Moma, I miss Daddy. When is he going to get home? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: He should be home today. Tomorrow\u2019s Christmas, and he has to be home. But, honey, your Daddy might be a little different. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Really? How?
Mrs Faust: Well, you remember that time when Grandpa was working on the wiring in the house? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Yes. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: And he put two wires together that didn\u2019t belong together? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Yes. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: And his hair turned all white, and his eyes got all red? <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Is Daddy coming home with white hair? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: I\u2019m afraid he might, honey. I\u2019m afraid he might. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Cool. <\/p>\n
Sudden piano chord and puff of smoke. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Hurray! Mr Mephistopheles. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Hey there, champ. Good to see you. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Now, Mr Mephisopheles, I have something to say to you. I hope it won\u2019t sound rude, since you\u2019re a guest in my house and all. <\/p>\n
Mephisopheles: Not at all. What\u2019s on your mind? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: I think you should give up this crazy bargain with my husband. Somebody\u2019s going to get hurt. Somebody could get his eye poked out. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: It\u2019s a done deal, ma\u2019am. Your husband agreed. That\u2019s how these things work. I offer a temptation \u2014 money, knowledge, fame, an all-expenses paid trip to Newark \u2014 and then they succumb. It\u2019s been like this for thousands of years. And no tempter worth his salt with withdraw a temptation once it\u2019s all been done, legal and all. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: But it just isn\u2019t fair. My husband is not . . . . he\u2019s not the most intelligent man in the world, you know. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: The ones who succumb usually aren\u2019t. Not my fault that your husband is a few watts low. <\/p>\n
Suddenly the door opens, and Mr Faust enters. He\u2019s puffing as if he\u2019s been running. He hugs Mrs Faust and Little Faust. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Daddy! What\u2019s wrong with your hair? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: What do you mean? It\u2019s the same as always. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: But Moma said it would be white. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: I said I thought it MIGHT be white, honey. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: I see you\u2019ve returned. I\u2019ll give you credit for courage at least. Most of them just try to run. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Run? If I\u2019d have run, could I have gotten away? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Sure. I\u2019m only a tempter. I\u2019m not everywhere at once, you know. I\u2019m not Santa Claus. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Drat. I wish I\u2019d thought of that. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles and Mrs Faust exchange a knowing look, and nod. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Anyway, I don\u2019t think I see a fluffy white kitten anywhere. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: No. I admit it. I failed. I couldn\u2019t find a fluffy white kitten anywhere. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Where did you look, dear? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Everywhere I could think of. Pet stores, alleyways, Walmart. I even thought of trying to get a Persian kitten and tried to book a flight to Persia. Did you know that there are no flights to Persia anymore? Must be terrorism. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: It\u2019s called Iran now, Daddy. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Since when? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Whatever the reason, you failed. And, if I\u2019m remember correctly, now\u2019s the time I turn YOU into a fluffy white kitten. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: I TOLD you you should have saved time and done it first. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Sure, but half the fun is stringing it out. Now, let\u2019s get to business. (He rummages in his pockets.) Hmmm. Can\u2019t seem to find my wand. You wouldn\u2019t happen to have a wand about? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: How about a rolling pin? Would that work? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Helen, who\u2019s side are you on? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: You DID make a promise, dear. And I don\u2019t think it\u2019s good to be breaking your promises. Especially in front of the children. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Child. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Here you are. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: This will have to do. <\/p>\n
He starts waving the rolling pin around his head, and muttering some nonsensical but mysterious syllables. Just before he points the rolling pin at Mr Faust, there\u2019s a piano chord and a puff of smoke and Deuce X. Machina appears. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Another one! Cool. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: How did you get in here? I sure hope you wiped your feet. It\u2019s very sloppy outside. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: I say, now. Who are you? <\/p>\n
Deuce: Deuce X. Machina\u2019s my name. Resolving unwieldy plots is my game. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: X? What\u2019s the X for? <\/p>\n
Deuce: Xavier. But you can call me Deuce. Do you have some juice? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: You\u2019re interrupting my spell. <\/p>\n
Deuce: That\u2019s what I came to do. To save Mr Faust and foil you. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: And who sent you? <\/p>\n
Deuce: A fat red elf by the name of Claus. He sends along help whenever there\u2019s cause. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Stop doing that. <\/p>\n
Deuce: What am I doing? I can\u2019t say. But it seems to be driving him away. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: I tell you, stop it. I can\u2019t take it. <\/p>\n
Deuce: Do my rhymes grate your ear? Do they make your skin crawl and make your eyes blear? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Yes, yes. I can\u2019t stand it. It brings back horrible memories. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Now, now. Calm down and tell us what the problem is. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: I can\u2019t bear to tell you. Let\u2019s just say that I had a bad childhood experience with Dr Seuss. Oh, the horror, the horror. (Mephistopheles crumples to the ground, and buries his face in his hands. He begins sobbing.) <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Did they have Dr Seuss in Emcron? <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: That\u2019s so sad. And he didn\u2019t get his little white kitten either. Mr Deuce, why don\u2019t you give him a break? <\/p>\n
Deuce: No can do, I\u2019m sorry to say. He\u2019s gotta go, and cannot stay. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: You know, you\u2019re kind of getting on my nerves too. <\/p>\n
Deuce: Do you also hate Dr Seuss? Then you\u2019re bound to get sick of little old Deuce. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Yes I am. I\u2019m sick and tired of your rhymes. You\u2019ve gotta go, it\u2019s way past time. <\/p>\n
Deuce: Do you knowing what you\u2019re doing? You\u2019re in great danger. To shove me out and leave you with this stranger. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Out, I say. Out, out, I say. I want you to go away. <\/p>\n
Deuce: Ouch, that does hurt, I see. You\u2019re turning my own weapon on me. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: That\u2019s just what I\u2019m doing, you little rat. Take that, and that, and that, and that. <\/p>\n
Deuce: Help! I\u2019m going to buzz. You\u2019re better at this than I ever was. <\/p>\n
Deuce exits. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: That was wonderful dear. How did you ever learn to do that? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: It\u2019s a little trick I learned in my youth. Wasn\u2019t sure I could do it, to tell you the truth. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Well, thank you, Mr Faust. You saved my life. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: It was nothing, my friend, nothing hard. Almost everyone can be a bard. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Daddy, you\u2019re still doing it. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Yes, dear. He\u2019s gone now. You can stop. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: It\u2019s hard to stop once you get rolling. It\u2019s like running in place and . . . and . . . I think I\u2019m done now. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Yes, dear. Now, Mr Mephistopheles, you can get on with your spell. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Mrs Faust! <\/p>\n
Mephisopheles: Don\u2019t worry, Mr Faust. It\u2019s all over. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: But I thought you couldn\u2019t go back on a temptation once it was agreed to. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: There is an exception clause in the tempter\u2019s handbook. It reads, \u201cIf at any time during the course of the temptation the tempted saves the life of the tempter, the tempter shall forthwith and immediately release the tempted from all obligations. Any tempter who disregards this clause will be prohibited from further temptations, and barred from all future Halloween parties.\u201d <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Bummer. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: You said it. I love candy corn. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: So, you don\u2019t need a white kitten after all? <\/p>\n
Mephisteopheles: Naw, I really never did. They lose all their hair when they go through the sixth dimension. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Well, this is a happy ending. <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: Yes it is. <\/p>\n
Mrs Faust: Mr Mephistopheles, if you don\u2019t have to rush off to tempt someone else, you can stay for Christmas Eve dinner. As long as you promise not to cast any more spells. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: I promise. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Goody. Daddy, can I show him my room? <\/p>\n
Mr Faust: I don\u2019t see why not. <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles (putting his arm around Little Faust and walking toward his room): Now, I hope you\u2019ll reconsider your career plans. You\u2019d make a first-rate tempter. <\/p>\n
Little Faust: Can you teach my how to do that piano chord? <\/p>\n
Mephistopheles: Thunderclap, kid. Thunderclap. <\/p>\n
Mephisopheles and Little Faust exit. Mr and Mrs Faust exit on the other side of the stage. <\/p>\n
Finis <\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A bit of nonsense from several years ago. Scene 1 Mr Faust sitting in a big chair, with Little Faust on his lap, reading. Mrs Faust sitting in another chair, knitting or something. Mr Faust: And I heard him exclaim As he drove out of sight Merry Christmas to all And to all a good […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3021,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1653","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poetry-stories"],"yoast_head":"\n