I recently ran across<\/a>\u00a0this quote from Christian Patriarchy advocate Don Miller. Let\u2019s take it from the top, shall we?<\/p>\n Do you want to be treated like men in every area of your life?\u00a0And if not,\u00a0is it confusing for you to want to be treated more kindly and tenderly in a social area, but more straight-forwardly in the sense of economic and cultural equality<\/strong>?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n People like Miller are always saying that feminists want women to be treated \u201clike men.\u201d The reality is that I and other feminists want women to be treated like people<\/em>. Like individuals<\/em>. Part of what is going on here is that men treat other men like individuals, but they treat women as \u201cthe other.\u201d Men frequently see each other as individuals first, but see women by their gender first. If a man messes up at his job, he will be individually blamed for it; if a woman messes up her job, it will be blamed on her gender. So I suppose that\u00a0yes,<\/em> we want to be treated like men, but we only inasmuch as men treat each other as individuals<\/em>.<\/p>\n Also, is it just me or is Miller suggesting that because women are (supposedly) treated more kindly and tenderly in the social area, they should be a-okay with not having economic and cultural equality? Because, newsflash: Being treated \u201ckindly and tenderly\u201d in exchange for my giving up my equality sounds like a terrible deal. Is it a deal Miller would like to take, I wonder?<\/p>\n This is\u00a0actually\u00a0a constant theme for complementarians and defenders of patriarchy. They act as though women get sweet deal because they get to be taken care of by their husbands, and in return all they have to do is give up their autonomy and submit to their male authorities. Sometimes they go so far as to paint themselves as the martyrs, getting the raw end of the deal. And I have to be honest, the more I run across this trope the more it grates on me. Because no,<\/em> being \u201ctaken care of\u201d does not<\/em> make giving up my autonomy a-okay. I would much<\/em> rather be able to make my own decisions and choose my own path, even if it means having to do things myself.<\/p>\n Let me be more pointed: As women, do you want for men to say you\u2019re beautiful? Because if we treat you like men, we will never say you\u2019re beautiful. We don\u2019t really care. And we won\u2019t make you feel small or special or precious, either. We won\u2019t protect you because, quite frankly, you need to protect yourself or you\u2019re a wimp. Do you really want us to treat you like men?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Oh, so much wrong here.<\/p>\n First, honestly? I don\u2019t want men in general telling me I\u2019m beautiful. The only man I want<\/em> telling me I\u2019m beautiful is the one I\u2019m romantically interested in. I would actually much rather other men refrain<\/em> from telling me I\u2019m beautiful. And is it just me or is Miller acting like being told you\u2019re\u00a0beautiful\u00a0is some kind of favor gifted from men to women in exchange for women giving up equality? The thing is, I would rather be respected as an equal<\/em> than flattered with pretty words. I don\u2019t want to be told I\u2019m beautiful. I want to be treated as an equal. I want respect.<\/p>\n You know what\u2019s interesting? My husband wants to be told he is handsome more than I want to be told that I am beautiful. It\u2019s true. Sean is always showing off for me, always inviting my approval and praise. He absolutely loves to be told that I find him attractive. Nay, he craves<\/em> being told that. And so I do, often. But I don\u2019t feel the same need for him to tell me I\u2019m beautiful. It is enough that I know he finds me attractive. Does Sean\u2019s desire to be told that he is attractive make him somehow feminine in Miller\u2019s world?<\/p>\n But back to the issue of respect. I am reminded Love and Respect,<\/em>\u00a0a Christian marriage manual, which I saw quoted\u00a0on Sarah over the Moon<\/a> recently:<\/p>\n Psychological studies affirm it, and the Bible has been saying it for ages.\u00a0Cracking the communication code between husband and wife\u00a0involves understanding one thing: that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her.<\/strong> It\u2019s the secret to marriage that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n You know why this makes no sense to me? Because I personally crave respect more than I crave love<\/em>. Really. I would rather be respected than loved. Of course, in reality I want both, and I think in reality everyone<\/em> wants both, but if I had to choose, that\u2019s the way I\u2019d go. I think it\u2019s because I cannot imagine love without respect. The condescending, belittling, sicky-sweet, parent-child love so many Christian marriage manuals suggest husbands offer their wives makes my skin crawl.<\/p>\n Next, about being made to \u201cfeel small or special or precious.\u201d That actually doesn\u2019t appeal to me one wit either. In fact, Miller\u2019s entire idea of what women want makes me feel stifled. You know why? Because it\u2019s not what I want!<\/em> Not in the slightest! I don\u2019t want to be treated like a precious little princess and told how sweet and pretty I am. In fact, that\u2019s honestly the opposite of what I want. I want to be respected as an individual. I want to be seen as a person first and a woman second.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t like gender roles, I really don\u2019t. People are individuals and have individual talents, needs, desires, abilities, and interests. Why can\u2019t we just see each other as individuals first? Why can\u2019t we judge each other based on our talents, abilities, and interests rather than based on what\u2019s between our legs? Why is this concept so hard for Miller and others to grasp?<\/p>\n Let me conclude with a quote from a post by\u00a0Grace is Human<\/a>:<\/p>\n But the other thing is \u2013 what makes Miller think all men don\u2019t want to be told they\u2019re beautiful? Including by other men? Do men never feel the need for protection? Do all men embrace or benefit from the idea that any man who can\u2019t protect himself is a \u201cwimp?\u201d<\/p>\n Contrary to popular misconception, gender justice activists have had\u00a0quite a lot<\/a>\u00a0to say about how\u00a0patriarchal masculinity hurts men<\/a>\u00a0\u2013 how it makes men more vulnerable to certain kinds of violence, how it damages men\u2019s health and wellbeing by encouraging them to ignore or suppress pain and other signs of illness, how it\u00a0limits the range of men\u2019s emotional expression<\/a>\u00a0in ways that damage their emotional, mental, and physical health and the strength and health of their intimate relationships.<\/p>\n The question isn\u2019t whether women want to be treated \u201clike men\u201d (where the definition is what Miller and other white patriarchalists think \u201clike men\u201d means). The question is whether being treated like men \u2013 being expected to behave \u201clike a man\u201d \u2013 is even good for men.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Yes to all of that.<\/p>\n See, feminism really is revolutionary. Men like Miller assume that the goal is to have women treated \u201clike men,\u201d or even that in egalitarian marriages the wives become the men in the relationship while the husbands become female and passive. But the reality is that feminism isn\u2019t about men and women switching roles, or about women jumping into men\u2019s role along with them. No. It\u2019s revolutionary. It\u2019s about upsetting the entire patriarchal system and rebuilding it on values like equality, compassion, respect, and cooperation. And there\u2019s something simply amazing about that.<\/p>\n Note: The original version of this post\u00a0attributed\u00a0Miller\u2019s quote to Joshua Harris, who has made similar statements in the past. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" “Do you want to be treated like men in every area of your life?” Miller asks. He goes on to say that if this is the case, “we won\u2019t make you feel small or special or precious.” In other words, if women want to be treated like men, that means they can’t be special little princesses anymore. So much to say. Let’s take it from the top, shall we? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,25],"tags":[135,244],"class_list":["post-10275","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-feminism","category-christian-patriarchy","tag-gender","tag-women"],"yoast_head":"\n