![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/166\/2013\/02\/I-kissed-dating-goodbye.jpg\" "\\"I")
<\/a>A guest post by Molly<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\nPart I of\u00a0An Open Letter to Joshua Harris<\/span><\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Dear Josh (May I call you Josh? You may call me Molly.)<\/p>\n I recently finished reading your book I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Romance and Relationship<\/em>, and I want to share my reaction. I\u2019m halfway through earning my Master of Divinity degree at a Presbyterian seminary on the East Coast, and my focus is looking at how enforcing \u201cbiblically-based\u201d gender roles aids (or, in the case of most scenarios I\u2019ve read, damages) the church as the Body of Christ. Rachel Held Evans, another evangelical author, writes in A Year of Biblical Womanhood<\/em> that<\/p>\n evangelicals have a nasty habit of throwing the word biblical<\/em> around like it\u2019s Martin Luther\u2019s middle name. We especially like to stick it in front of other loaded words, like economics, sexuality, politics, <\/em>and marriage<\/em> to create the impression that God has definitive opinions about such things, opinions that just so happen to correspond with our own\u2026using the word biblical<\/em> \u00a0 prescriptively like this almost always involves selectivity (xx).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n So since I identify as both Christian and as a sex-positive feminist (yes, Josh, I\u2019m another one of those,<\/em>) I had a bit of difficulty agreeing with some of your vision for what courtship\u2014biblical dating, for want of a better term\u2014should look like. In my mind \u201cdating\u201d and \u201ccourtship\u201d don\u2019t exist as a dichotomy; rather, they\u2019re points on a continuum. Dating develops healthy relationships; courtship moves toward commitment but is still dating. But before you stop reading, Josh, I think we may have more in common than either of us would like to admit.<\/p>\n I would imagine that the term \u201csex-positive\u201d doesn\u2019t pop up in the conservative evangelical community save for, perhaps, warning against the evils of feminism. In brief, sex-positivity is the belief that any consensual sexual activity between two adults is undeserving of stigma. In contrast, I Kissed Dating Goodbye <\/em>repeatedly advocates for \u201cpurity\u201d\u2014a quality highly valued (and practically mandatory for women) in complementarian ethics [1] that not only encompasses sexual purity but also a sort of\u00a0 \u201cemotional purity\u201d as well. In addition to being taught that any type of sexual activity outside of marriage is sinful, readers of I Kissed Dating Goodbye <\/em>are instructed that if they have a romantic relationship with someone they don\u2019t end up marrying, they\u2019ve given away \u201ca piece of their heart\u201d that they can never get back. In other words, all attempts at romantic relationships that don\u2019t end in marriage are seen as a form of cheating on your future spouse<\/a>. For both types of purity, anything that could tempt Christians to this perceived infidelity\u2014\u201cimmodest\u201d clothing, R-rated movies, and time alone with someone of the opposite gender are, pardon the innuendo, a slippery slope. [2]<\/p>\n Despite our differences, I imagine that you\u2019d agree with sex-positivity\u2019s emphasis on safe sex. I know complementarians tend to shun the usage of contraception, but you\u2019re doing yourself (and your future spouse) a favor when you get screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs).<\/p>\n I hope<\/em> that you\u2019d be amenable to sex-positivity\u2019s emphasis on informed consent\u2014both partners should be enthusiastic about intimate activity, know the other\u2019s boundaries, and should have a clear understanding about the implications and potential future consequences of their action. This may not seem like the most romantic form of foreplay to you, but I think we\u2019d agree there\u2019s nothing more comforting than an ethic of mutual respect and a partner who cares about your wellbeing and happiness. (Regardless of how differently we feel about the hows, whens, and whys of sexual activity, disrespect or indifference to informed consent makes one\u2014inadvertently or not\u2014a supporter of rape culture.) The only point in sex-positivity I think you\u2019d actively disagree with is its acknowledgement that consensual sexual activity is fundamentally healthy, pleasurable, and enhanced through experimentation, and we\u2019d be quibbling over timing. You\u2019d agree on that point when it\u2019s limited to heterosexual couples within the context of marriage, and I\u2019d argue for a much broader application.<\/p>\n But my primary issue with I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> had less to do with your limits on sexual intimacy before marriage and much more to do with your portrayal of what the other facets of relational intimacy should look like. As Julia Feder, one author featured on Women In Theology,<\/em> notes<\/a>,<\/p>\n sexual intimacy is only one form of relational intimacy\u2014emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy are others. In healthy (and ethical) relationships, sexual intimacy should never outpace these other forms of intimacy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Unfortunately, I Kissed Dating Goodbye <\/em>seemed more focused on teaching young Christian readers how to avoid or restrict sexual intimacy while waiting for a God-ordained partner rather than teaching them how to build<\/em> that partnership. It is far easier to say no lusting, no hand-holding, no kissing, no premarital intercourse<\/em> than to teach individuals how to develop interpersonal relationships that lead to lifelong partnerships. With that in mind, I\u2019d like to invite the possibility of greeting dating in a way that encourages healthy relational intimacy. When I write next, we\u2019ll start with how I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> approaches the spiritual aspect of building relationships.<\/p>\n Molly<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n Gentle (and Not-So-Gentle) Readers: Later today, in <\/a><\/em>Part II<\/a> of\u00a0I Hugged Dating Hello<\/a>,<\/em>\u00a0I\u2019ll cover how\u00a0I Kissed Dating Goodbye\u00a0approaches the spiritual aspect of building relationships. I\u2019ll cover another area of relational intimacy every few days over the next couple weeks. ~ Molly<\/em><\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n [1] Libby has done several posts on complementarianism, but just so we\u2019re on the same page: I define complementarianism as a theology modeled on female submission and male authority where men and women have separate roles divided solely on the basis of gender rather than personal merit. While both genders are equal before God, women are prohibited from leadership positions in ministry.<\/p>\n [2] Unsurprisingly, Harris always focuses on the dangers of friendship with the opposite gender. His treatment of homosexuality (or erasure thereof) in I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> merits its own article. But that\u2019s\u2014perhaps\u2014its own article for another time.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n Molly grew up in southern Louisiana and, after spending college partially\u00a0(emotionally and physically)\u00a0frozen in Iowa, somehow ended up in seminary where she\u2019s cuddling her inner demons by moonlight and wrestling her faith by daylight. She likes bellydance, historical combat, 80s cartoons, Pema Chodron, and wants to use her M.Div to found the Bene Gesserit sisterhood.\u00a0She doesn\u2019t have a blog yet, but maybe Libby will be generous enough to provide trackbacks when she does?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A guest post by Molly<\/i>. Unfortunately, I Kissed Dating Goodbye seemed more focused on teaching young Christian readers how to avoid or restrict sexual intimacy while waiting for a God-ordained partner rather than teaching them how to build that partnership. It is far easier to say no lusting, no hand-holding, no kissing, no premarital intercourse than to teach individuals how to develop interpersonal relationships that lead to lifelong partnerships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,12],"tags":[361,484,129],"class_list":["post-12605","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","category-purity","tag-guest-post","tag-josh-harris","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\n