![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/166\/2013\/02\/self-care.jpg\" "\\"self-care\\"")
<\/a>A guest post by Molly <\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\nPart IV of\u00a0An Open Letter to Joshua Harris<\/span><\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n \u201c\u2026I have no business asking for a girl\u2019s heart and exclusive affections if I\u2019m not ready to consider marriage. Until I can do that, I\u2019d only be using that girl to meet my short-term needs, not seeking to bless her for the long term. Would I enjoy having a girlfriend right now? You bet! But I wouldn\u2019t truly be loving her and putting her interests first\u201d (19)<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cIn most cases, especially when we\u2019re younger, dating is short term, serving the needs of the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment\u201d (<\/em>29).<\/p>\n \u201cThe starting point of my relationships was what I wanted instead of what God wanted. I looked out for my needs and fit others into my agenda\u201d<\/em> (21).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Dear Josh,<\/p>\n In Part III we talked about how Christian purity culture fails to prepare individuals for coping with loss in healthy ways. While these quotes make substantially more sense knowing you\u2019re coming from an upbringing that\u2019s told you that love is a finite resource and that \u201cdating\u201d is committing emotional adultery, it\u2019s frustrating that I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> doesn\u2019t really get into how to healthily cope with breakups beyond roughly recommit your heart to Jesus and try to see your singleness as a divine blessing.<\/em> [1] Spiritual reflection is only a single facet of self-care, and self-care following the end of a relationship is only one type of self-care. We need to talk about the type of self-care that occurs during<\/em> a relationship.<\/p>\n Self-care<\/em> does not equal selfishness<\/em>. It should not wait until a relationship ends.<\/strong><\/p>\n Josh, I agree with poet Audre Lorde that taking care of oneself is not self-indulgent, but an act of survival, <\/em>and I would argue that you can\u2019t really have<\/em> healthy relational intimacy without each individual taking time to care for him or herself, to make sure each is in a healthy state of mind to fully reciprocate another person\u2019s trust and vulnerability. Thus, I appreciate your commitment to not entering into a relationship until you can \u201cbless someone for the long term,\u201d and be considerate of another person\u2019s needs; I agree with you that knowing when not<\/em> to date is a mark of maturity. Unfortunately, if we focus entirely on meeting another person\u2019s needs at the cost of ignoring our own\u2014see Debi Pearl\u2019s Created to be His Help Meet<\/em> for the most extreme example of this\u2014the relationship will sustain itself at the cost of our personal maturation.<\/p>\n I\u2019m pro-dating and don\u2019t believe in \u201cemotional purity,\u201d so I don\u2019t think it\u2019s selfish to examine the interpersonal dynamics of a current relationship (romantic or otherwise) to determine what I want (and need) from a future partner in order to be happy. Being mindful of your own desires does not have to come at the expense of your partner\u2019s wellbeing or happiness. Indeed, I would expect my partner to be thinking about what he wants and needs to be happy as well. <\/em>All relationships\u2014sexual, emotional, or otherwise\u2014carry a certain level of responsibility towards the other person. Think of it as a spectrum that ranges from \u201cobtaining enthusiastic consent from a one-night stand\u201d on one end and \u201csigning a marriage certificate\u201d on the other. While the latter example requires stronger commitment, all types ofethical\u00a0intimacy carry a responsibility towards the other person.<\/p>\n Each person in the relationship must be mindful of his or her own emotional, intellectual, spiritual (if relevant), and sexual (if applicable) needs while respecting\u2014and actively working to better understand<\/em>\u2014the needs of the other person. Josh, both of us are arguing that an individual\u2019s personhood is a valuable, vulnerable thing to be handled carefully. [2] Both of us see intimacy as sacred; our perspectives diverge on how we put this reverence into action.<\/p>\n The meaning of fear<\/strong><\/p>\n Josh, I mentioned in Part I that I wasn\u2019t going to drag I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>\u2019s outlook on sexual mores into this letter. I lied. It turns out that you can\u2019t make a purity culture omelet without breaking a few secular sex education eggs. One of the stereotypes about Christian purity culture is that it teaches a fear of sex that cuts deep enough to handicap an individual\u2019s ability to develop intimate relationships, including the development of emotional intimacy. Honestly, I don\u2019t think that\u2019s entirely fair to you.<\/p>\n Yes, there\u2019s a clear fear of sex in I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>, but it\u2019s a fear that is equal parts terror and reverence. The former is driven by the latter, and, to an extent, that\u2019s a good thing<\/em>. I would argue that sex-positivity, on a purely emotional\/intellectual level, is an attempt to fulfill 1 John 4:18\u2014there is no fear in love<\/em>. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment<\/em>. Both of us respect sexual intimacy and see our partners as fellow children of God [3], yet while purity culture preaches abstinence and fleeing immorality, sex-positivity teaches a reverence for sex that is driven by careful attention to the vulnerability of all parties involved. And I never thought I\u2019d say this, Josh, but I don\u2019t think I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> goes far enough in its discussion of sexual immorality.<\/strong><\/p>\n According to 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6, \u201cit is God\u2019s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body<\/strong> in a way that is holy and honorable, <\/em><\/strong>not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.<\/strong>\u201d Josh, you seem to interpret \u03c0\u03bf\u03c1\u03bd\u03b5\u03af\u03b1\u2014frequently translated as sexual immorality<\/em>\u2014as meaning against promiscuity and pre-marital sex. Given Paul\u2019s fixation with chastity, this is a perfectly valid interpretation. But it\u2019s an interpretation that can be taken further.<\/p>\n I interpret \u03c0\u03bf\u03c1\u03bd\u03b5\u03af\u03b1 as its literal meaning\u2014to sell off\u2014<\/em>to compromise one\u2019s own integrity past the point with which one is comfortable, to deliberately present a false level of commitment to one\u2019s partner in order to take advantage of his or her trust and physical and emotional<\/em> vulnerability. Since \u03c0\u03bf\u03c1\u03bd\u03b5\u03af\u03b1 also carries the connotations of idolatry\u2014<\/em>Hosea 1:2 uses the Hebrew \u05d6\u05b0\u05e0\u05d5\u05bc\u05e0\u05b4\u05d9\u05dd (<\/em>zenunim)<\/em> to describe the defilement incurred by eating a sacrifice offered to an idol\u2014I propose that true sexual immorality is anything that wrongs another person created in imago dei.<\/em> Sexual immorality is, therefore:<\/p>\n 1. A failure to be in control of one\u2019s own sexual urges.<\/p>\n 2. A failure that leads to violation of another person\u2019s personal boundaries \u00a0 (because ignoring a partner\u2019s consent is a failure to see them as a God-given equal), which leads to<\/p>\n 3. Taking trust and vulnerability that you don\u2019t have permission to take. [4]<\/p><\/blockquote>\n As Julia Feder, an author at Women In Theology<\/em> writes, preaching only sexual abstinence to young adults is missing a huge opportunity to talk about the violation of one\u2019s personhood as serious sin<\/a>.<\/p>\n Yes, sin. <\/em>The churches have language to bring to the discussion of sexual violence that secular society does not. We can talk about gravely harmful behavior without having to resort to legal definitions and loopholes. We can claim that sexual activities, in every instance, should embody love and respect for oneself and the other.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I don\u2019t think we\u2019re ever going to agree on the timing, frequency, or flavor of sex people should be having, Josh, but I\u2019m glad we at least agree that relationships should be treated with reverence. Indeed, a healthy emotional intimacy depends greatly on a mutual understanding of sexual intimacy. And if you\u2019re still reading this letter, you\u2019re actually practicing the final form of relational intimacy we still need to discuss!<\/p>\n Molly<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2013<\/p>\n Gentle (and Not-So-Gentle) Readers: Come back soon for Part V<\/a> of\u00a0I Hugged Dating Hello<\/a>, where I will\u00a0write about the importance of intellectual intimacy<\/em>.\u00a0<\/em>~ Molly<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n [1] Don\u2019t get me wrong\u2014being single can be beneficial. But to someone who\u2019s just ended a relationship, being told \u201cI guess God just wanted to bless your time as a single!\u201d<\/em> reads like \u201cI guess God just needed another angel!\u201d<\/em> does at a funeral\u2014clich\u00e9, self-righteous, unhelpful, and, unless God\u2019s signed off on a producible notarized form, inaccurate.<\/p>\n [2] And I would add \u201cregardless of the longevity of or degree of commitment to the relationship.\u201d I don\u2019t know if Josh would.<\/p>\n [3] I\u2019m using \u201cchildren of God\u201d because both Josh and I are writing from a religious perspective, but I\u2019m always on the lookout for more \u201cterms of egalitarian affection\u201d (for want of a better label.) And since it\u2019s almost Valentine\u2019s Day, list me your favorites in the comments?<\/p>\n [4] I find it vaguely ironic that Christian purity culture makes sexual immorality about violating standards of sexual intimacy, while sex-positivity makes sexual immorality about violating standards of emotional intimacy.<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n Molly grew up in southern Louisiana and, after spending college partially\u00a0(emotionally and physically)\u00a0frozen in Iowa, somehow ended up in seminary where she\u2019s cuddling her inner demons by moonlight and wrestling her faith by daylight. She likes bellydance, historical combat, 80s cartoons, Pema Chodron, and wants to use her M.Div to found the Bene Gesserit sisterhood.\u00a0She doesn\u2019t have a blog yet, but maybe Libby will be generous enough to provide trackbacks when she does?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A guest post by Molly<\/i>. We talked before about how Christian purity culture fails to prepare individuals for coping with loss in healthy ways. While your views make substantially more sense knowing you\u2019re coming from an upbringing that\u2019s told you that love is a finite resource and that \u201cdating\u201d is committing emotional adultery, it\u2019s frustrating that I Kissed Dating Goodbye doesn\u2019t really get into how to healthily cope with breakups beyond roughly recommit your heart to Jesus and try to see your singleness as a divine blessing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,12],"tags":[361,484,129],"class_list":["post-12608","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","category-purity","tag-guest-post","tag-josh-harris","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\n