{"id":12610,"date":"2013-02-16T05:22:35","date_gmt":"2013-02-16T09:22:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=12610"},"modified":"2018-10-23T06:33:21","modified_gmt":"2018-10-23T10:33:21","slug":"i-hugged-dating-hello-developing-intellectual-intimacy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2013\/02\/i-hugged-dating-hello-developing-intellectual-intimacy.html","title":{"rendered":"Guest Post: I Hugged Dating Hello, Part V: Developing Intellectual Intimacy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a>A guest post by Molly<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Part V of\u00a0An Open Letter to Joshua Harris<\/span><\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe premise of dating is \u2018I\u2019m attracted to you; therefore let\u2019s get to know each other.\u2019 The premise of friendship, on the other hand, is \u2018We\u2019re interested in the same things; let\u2019s enjoy these common interests together.\u2019 If romantic attraction forms after developing a friendship, it\u2019s an added bonus\u201d<\/em> (39).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Dear Josh,<\/p>\n

Intellectual intimacy was the hardest section for me to write because you don\u2019t really discuss it beyond finding yourself attracted to people because you share similar interests. I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> lists marriage as the deepest and most meaningful of human relationships since the individuals share not only their hearts (emotional and spiritual intimacy) but their bodies (sexual intimacy) (28-29). It seems like \u201cminds\u201d is missing from that list, though I may be biased since good-natured intellectual bickering is usually my favorite part of any relationship. Individuals in a relationship do not have to agree on everything\u2014not religious tradition, political affiliation, or the best character from The Muppet Show<\/em> [1] \u2014<\/em>they just have to respect the other person\u2019s opinions. I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> repeatedly cautions against dating non-Christians or people who have \u201ca questionable faith\u201d in order to ensure one\u2019s spiritual convictions are not challenged by one\u2019s partner (194). \u00a0I disagree with this assessment\u00a0for a variety of reasons: first,\u00a0I believe testing one\u2019s faith is an opportunity to mature in one\u2019s beliefs. Second, relationships are far more exciting when they maintain a constant level of challenge, share new interests, and introduce new ways of looking at the world. (Third, if I only dated Christians I wouldn\u2019t have 80% of the fond memories I have of college!)\u00a0Intellectual intimacy grows via constant communication. Communication with your partner is a way of not only understanding his or her perspective better, it\u2019s a way of refining your own views. Intellectual intimacy only thrives when both parties consider one another as equals and, unfortunately, I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> doesn\u2019t seem to believe that women possess the same intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and sexual needs as men. Which brings us to my final point:<\/p>\n

Complementarianism is a chauvinist\u2019s version of \u201cseparate but equal\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWe must realize that girls don\u2019t struggle with the same temptations we struggle with. We wrestle more with our sex drives, while girls struggle more with their emotions\u201d<\/em> (98).<\/p>\n

\u201cA guy who can\u2019t follow legitimate orders will have difficulty holding a job or receiving pastoral correction when needed<\/strong>. A girl who can\u2019t respect a teacher\u2019s or coach\u2019s authority will have difficulty honoring her husband<\/strong><\/em>\u201d (178).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Josh, we seriously need to talk about your treatment of gender roles. For starters, the idea that men wrestle more with their sex drives while girls struggle more with their emotions is insulting in its overgeneralization. It would be more accurate to say that\u2014as far as Christian purity culture is concerned\u2014men are socialized to suppress their emotions (in order not to appear effeminate) while women are raised to believe they either have no sex drive (it magically appears on the wedding night) or must suppress their sexuality altogether. [2] To be a \u201cgood girl,\u201d a woman cannot be active with her personal agency; she must wait to be acted upon by men. [3]<\/p>\n

This notion goes back to the ethic of passivity we discussed with regards to letting God schedule our social calendar. Although I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> advocates that both genders wait to court, time and again you tell men that they\u2019re the ones who must \u201cmake the first move,\u201d to show leadership from day one of the courtship, to \u201ctake the lead and provide direction for the relationship\u201d while still asking readers not to \u201cmisunderstand this as a chauvinistic attitude\u201d(196). I will not misunderstand <\/em>your attitude as chauvinistic as there is no such misunderstanding to make. It is chauvinistic, plain and simple. One telltale sign is that women<\/em> rarely appear in I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>. There are only \u201cgirls\u201d waiting to be matched with \u201cmen.\u201d [4] Despite being adult women, \u201cgirls\u201d in I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> are seen as perpetually under someone else\u2019s authority; her parents, grandparents, or pastor are listed as \u201cresponsible for the girl\u201d (197). [5] It\u2019s therefore unsurprising that \u201cgirls\u201d are supposed to submit to their husbands; it\u2019s a continuation of this pattern of male headship.<\/p>\n

Honestly, Josh, you tried hard to make feminine submission sound appealing. It\u2019s about protecting the woman\u2019s honor, keeping her feelings from getting hurt; it\u2019s not degrading but (allegedly) benevolent. Here\u2019s the thing: My honor, my emotional vulnerability, my happiness, and my self-worth can be preserved and strengthened without letting my boyfriend have the final say in all decisions in our relationship. <\/em>Complementarian theology claims that men and women are equal in the eyes of God, but the equality ends there<\/em>. When you write that a man who chafes under authority \u201cwill have difficulty holding a job\u201d while an independent woman \u201cwill have difficulty honoring her husband,\u201d you\u2019re not creating an environment conducive to men and women loving one another as equals (or as coworkers). You\u2019re creating a relationship between employer and employee. Blogger Sarah Moon has already noted<\/a> this difference\u00a0between male and female submission, and goes on to add<\/p>\n

Workers and their bosses are not equals\u2026. The employer has flexibility that the employee does not have\u2026. The employer\u2019s jobs are typically more valued by society and their pay reflects this\u2026. Employers have the final say in how their stores are run\u2026. When an employer tells and employee how to do \u00a0 something, it is not a suggestion. The employee\/employer relationship isn\u2019t always abusive (though it often is). But it is not equal. All humans are equal. But some humans are employees and some humans are employers. Some humans are more equal than others.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It is not enough that we believe that women are men\u2019s equals in the eyes of God. If we are to earnestly pray that God\u2019s kingdom come, God\u2019s will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, <\/em>we are praying for egalitarian relationships in this lifetime. In order to build a kingdom in which there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor femal<\/em>e, we must begin with men surrendering their privilege (Galatians 3:28). When we truly view our partner as an equal\u2014not as a \u201chelp meet,\u201d not as subordinate\u2014uncensored, honest communication can begin. Intellectual intimacy is rooted in respectful communication because respectful communication leads to the exchange and construction of knowledge.<\/p>\n

Intellectual intimacy is a vital<\/em> part of every relationship because it\u2019s the form of relational intimacy that has the capacity to affect the greatest number of people outside of the relationship. While I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> emphasizes community service and volunteer work with friends, the book ignores service work in the form seeking solutions to larger, more systemic problems. Problem solving is facilitated by intellectual intimacy, and a complementarian insistence that women submit in heart, body, and mind to the men in their lives leads to relationships that are only half as creative and intelligent as they could be out of a desire to keep women in their \u201cbiblical\u201d place. [6] Communication cannot happen when one partner doesn\u2019t believe it\u2019s their \u201cplace\u201d to raise any concerns they might have, or worse, if they fear the consequences of doing so. While it is admirable to pick up trash, volunteer in a soup kitchen, or donate clothes to Goodwill, the larger problems in our society cannot be solved unless everyone is given an equal chance to voice their opinion about ways to protect the environment and tackling the problems of homelessness and hunger.<\/p>\n

Hugging Dating Hello<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWithout purity, God\u2019s gift of sexuality becomes a dangerous game. A relationship devoid of purity is soon reduced to nothing more than two bodies grasping at and demanding pleasure\u201d<\/em> (100).<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Josh, I would revise your statement to read \u201cWithout emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy, God\u2019s gift of sexuality becomes a dangerous game. \u00a0A relationship devoid of various kinds of intimacy is soon reduced to nothing more than two bodies grasping at and demanding pleasure.\u201d\u00a0 <\/em>Recall Julia Feder\u2019s advice<\/a> that I mentioned in Part I: \u201csexual intimacy is only one form of relational intimacy\u2014emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and spiritual intimacy are others. In healthy relationships, sexual intimacy should never outpace these other forms of intimacy.\u201d\u00a0Ultimately, an insistence of \u201cpurity\u201d as an absolute causes problems in relationships\u2014there\u2019s stress, shame, and frustration regardless of whether one remains \u201cpure\u201d (and faces constant temptation) or becomes sexually intimate (and faces social ostracization). It\u2019s a popular misconception that \u201cpurity\u201d can be defined in a sexual sense, and I believe I\u2019ve demonstrated that \u201cpurity\u201d doesn\u2019t so readily apply in spiritual, emotional, or intellectual matters. [7] Agency, respect, communication, care for oneself and others, personal faith, and creative problem solving are just some of the components that build and sustain healthy relationships. They can be developed while dating or courting, but they must<\/em> be developed somewhat concurrently for a relationship to thrive and mature in all of the ways God intended.<\/p>\n

Thanks for your time, Josh.<\/p>\n

Molly<\/p>\n

\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n

[1] Sweetums. Sweetums is frequently overlooked.<\/p>\n

[2] Men cannot appear effeminate because the worst insult imaginable for a man is to be called a woman. Also, ladies, the \u201cvirgin\u201d pedestal is very wibbly-wobbly and the fall to \u201cwhore\u201d is swift and merciless. I hope someone dismantles this dichotomy soon, preferably in another guest post!<\/p>\n

[3] These gender roles are reinforced by the fairy tale narrative we discussed earlier in Part III; Christine Gardner writes that the typical fairy tale \u201cdepicts the princess as lost and in need of rescuing. The man on the horse is capable of providing rescue. The princess cannot choose to be rescued, nor can she choose who rescues her; agency lies with the prince alone\u201d (66).<\/p>\n

[4]Finding the statistics for this was actually the most enjoyable part of this letter series. Here\u2019s a table for your edification, with the two most common terms for each gender highlighted:<\/p>\n

[5] Josh doesn\u2019t tell us whether or not men are under a similar authority because, after all, women don\u2019t initiate relationships.<\/p>\n

[6] After all, you can\u2019t have a discussion if both parties go in knowing that one individual has the trump card of \u201cI\u2019m a man, God said I get the final say. Don\u2019t you dare question me.\u201d The cost of the power trip of male headship is lack of growth for both people in the relationship.\u00a0 It is also important to note that the complementarianism presented in <\/em>I Kissed Dating Goodbye is subtle and mild compared to the work of Michael and Debi Pearl and John Piper. The presentation of gender roles in <\/em>I Kissed Dating Goodbye functions as a sort of \u201cgateway drug\u201d for more conservative standards of behavior for men and women described by other authors. While I honestly<\/span> don\u2019t think Josh meant his depiction to be harmful to women, the research I\u2019ve done shows how easily \u201cwifely submission\u201d can become \u201cphysical abuse without an escape clause.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

[7] Jessica Valenti\u2019s The Purity Myth<\/em> provides a lengthy description of one author\u2019s attempt to substantiate a medical definition of virginity. There isn\u2019t one. \u201cIf virginity is simply the first time someone has sex, then what is sex? If it\u2019s just heterosexual intercourse, then we\u2019d have to come to the fairly ridiculous conclusion that all lesbians and gay men are virgins, and that different kinds of intimacy, like oral sex, mean nothing\u201d (20).<\/p>\n

\n
\n

\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

Molly grew up in southern Louisiana and, after spending college partially\u00a0(emotionally and physically)\u00a0frozen in Iowa, somehow ended up in seminary where she\u2019s cuddling her inner demons by moonlight and wrestling her faith by daylight. She likes bellydance, historical combat, 80s cartoons, Pema Chodron, and wants to use her M.Div to found the Bene Gesserit sisterhood.\u00a0She doesn\u2019t have a blog yet, but maybe Libby will be generous enough to provide trackbacks when she does?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A guest post by Molly<\/i>. Honestly, Josh, you tried hard to make feminine submission sound appealing. It\u2019s about protecting the woman\u2019s honor, keeping her feelings from getting hurt; it\u2019s not degrading but (allegedly) benevolent. Here\u2019s the thing: My honor, my emotional vulnerability, my happiness, and my self-worth can be preserved and strengthened without letting my boyfriend have the final say in all decisions in our relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,12],"tags":[361,484,129],"class_list":["post-12610","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","category-purity","tag-guest-post","tag-josh-harris","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nGuest Post: I Hugged Dating Hello, Part V: Developing Intellectual Intimacy<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A guest post by Molly. Honestly, Josh, you tried hard to make feminine submission sound appealing. 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