Having threatened her readers with all manner of \u201ccruel\u201d consequences for not following God\u2019s marriage plan with its emphasis on wifely submission, and having urged her readers against thinking they can be \u201cspiritual\u201d or hear from God on their own, Debi follows up with a cautionary tale called \u201cThe Crazy Lady.\u201d Here is how it begins:<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll never forget something that happened several years ago. A middle-aged couple with several children moved into our area so they could get counseling. The woman didn\u2019t like the counseling they had\u00a0received\u00a0in the church where they had met and\u00a0married\u00a0 She thought that by moving into our community where there were so many \u201cspiritual men,\u201d her husband would \u201cget some help.\u201d She wanted my husband to \u201cdisciple him,\u201d to be \u201chis mentor\u201d\u2014something Mike considers effeminate on the level she expected.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Debi goes on to explain that the husband had been a \u201chighly successful and prosperous businessman\u201d before the couple married, but that the wife disapproved of participation in the business world.<\/p>\n
She thought he should \u201clive by faith,\u201d which meant not working, but staying home with the ever-expanding family.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Debi goes on to say that the wife was convinced that she was especially spiritual, and that her lovable \u201cteddy bear\u201d of a husband was convinced of that as well. The husband therefore followed his wife\u2019s lead, and he \u201crelocated and modified his business as \u2018God directed her.'\u201d However, his new business ventures did not succeed and his flock of homeschooled children multiplied, leaving him financially discouraged. He grew unsure of himself, and his wife saw this as evidence that he lacked faith. As a result, \u201ctheir marriage bed suffered.\u201d They began getting marriage counseling at their church and reading the Pearls\u2019 literature. This was their situation immediately prior to moving into the Pearls\u2019 area and hoping the move and a new community would solve their problems.<\/p>\n
Let me pause to offer some analysis. I\u2019ve actually seen this before, where a person will become convinced that they have a direct line to God and manage to bring all of those around them under their spell. In the case I experienced, which happened while I was in college, it was a young woman who claimed this connection. In fact, she actually said God spoke to her. She was so genuine and devout that we all believed her, and were eager to alter our lives according to her messages from God. At some point the whole thing imploded and it turned out that the young woman in question had mental problems and needed medication. But I don\u2019t think her sense of certainty, and our willingness to mistake certainty for trustworthiness, are all that abnormal. And honestly, it sounds like something similar happened with the couple in this story.<\/p>\n
One thing I want to point out before we get into Debi\u2019s analysis is that I don\u2019t think Debi would have a problem with this scenario if the genders were reversed. In other words, the problem is not that one spouse claims to have a special connection to God and the other believes this and follows what the first says. The problem is which<\/em> spouse is claiming to be especially close to God and which is\u00a0acquiescing.<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t take my husband and me long to see the source of their problems.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Of course it didn\u2019t! \/snark<\/p>\n
She was not her husband\u2019s helper; she was his conscience.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Can I say how not surprised I am by this diagnosis?<\/p>\n
We shared God\u2019s Word with her, telling her that her disobedience\u00a0and\u00a0lack of reverence to her husband were sin. She was shocked that we would think she was\u00a0disobedient\u00a0to her husband. She was very committed to reading and studying God\u2019s word and loved to \u201cshare\u201d with other women.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
As I read this, I had two thoughts.<\/p>\n
First, Debi is highly distrustful of women studying the Bible on their own and having their own independent relationships with God and independent prayer lives. It almost sounds here like Debi saw this woman, with her desire to \u201cshare\u201d what she had learned from God\u2019s word with the other women in their community, as a threat. And indeed, women developing their own spirituality and own connections with God is<\/em> a threat to Debi\u2019s patriarchal religious beliefs. Debi, remember, has made it very clear that she both learned what she is sharing here from her husband and that her husband read the book and approved of it before she published it. This woman, in contrast, does not properly contextualize her ability to ascertain God\u2019s will within this patriarchal framework.<\/p>\n
At the same time, the situation Debi is describing is clearly not healthy. Once again, I want to point out that I\u2019ve been<\/em> there. It is absolutely not<\/em> healthy when one person claims to have a clear and direct line to God, to be especially \u201cspiritual,\u201d and to know what God wants for the individuals around her. But what Debi is missing is that this is not healthy not<\/em> because of the genders of those involved but rather because any relationship that functions like this, with one party claiming access to the voice of God and the other nodding and following, is not healthy.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m going to go beyond this and say that any absolute certainty about God\u2019s will<\/em> isn\u2019t healthy. What I mean is that it seems to me that it\u2019s one thing to believe that God calls everyone to be kind to those around them, or to be ethical in their business practices, and quite another to believe that God has told you to give up your job and start a home business, or to move to\u00a0Phoenix, Arizona. I remember convincing myself that God wanted me to do some very specific thing, and looking back I am amazed by how contrived it all looks.<\/p>\n
And so the story continues. It seems that the couple had to use all of their money on the relocation, and that the wife insisted on tithing every little bit they got as time went on, \u201cbelieving God would return it manyfold.\u201d<\/p>\n
We warned her over and over against usurping authority and dishonoring her husband.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Notice that the problem isn\u2019t tithing every last little bit of their money and thus leaving them in dire financial straights. The problem isn\u2019t treating God like a genie where you put dollars in and hundred dollar bills shoot out. The problem is that tithing the last bit of their money is her<\/em> idea rather than her husband\u2019s idea.<\/p>\n
She just couldn\u2019t believe that God would have her, a spiritual woman, stand up for and follow a \u201ccarnal\u201d man.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
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