![\"\"](\"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/166\/2013\/01\/Forward-Thinking-3.jpg\" "\\"Forward")
<\/a><\/p>\nI spend more time talking about how the purity culture \u201cdoes it wrong\u201d than about what it looks like to be doing it right. I want to change that.<\/em><\/p>\n Forward Thinking<\/a> is a values development project created in collaboration<\/a> with Dan Fincke of Camels with Hammers<\/a>. Dan is introducing our next prompt today (head on over to see it!<\/a>), but in this post I will pull together some of the responses to this month\u2019s prompt<\/a>: \u201cWhat would you tell teenagers about sex?\u201d<\/p>\n Not only were there a large number of blog posts written on the topic, but there was also a great deal of discussion and input in the comments section of the post where the prompt was introduced<\/a>. As a result, I\u2019m going to format this month\u2019s roundup slightly different from last month\u2019s. I am simply going to pick one thing from each person\u2019s list and reproduce it here, with a link and attribution. Enjoy!<\/p>\n \u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014<\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t actually have to love everybody you do sexy things with. I\u2019d like them to be people you trust and people who know what consent is and like communication, but you don\u2019t have to love them. Kissing is fun and bodies are nice and hooking up with people who have especially nice bodies or brains or who are just friends with exactly enough time and singlehood on their hands is fun.\u201d ~ Kate Donovan<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cWell, first thing\u2014I\u2019d never have \u201cthe talk\u201d. I don\u2019t think a one-off chat to a teen covers it.\u201d ~ Mafrin<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cSex education begins with consent education and a fundamental respect for bodily autonomy. Obviously, for children, bodily autonomy cannot be inviolable (sorry, kid, you\u2019re getting your vaccines no matter how much you protest) and if your child is very small then it\u2019s difficult if not impossible to tell if they consent to be touched. But there are a lot of times in the average child\u2019s life where they are forced to hug or talk to someone they\u2019re scared of, or be tickled by their parents even when they\u2019re screaming no, or otherwise have their consent violated for the amusement or convenience of their parents. How can we teach kids<\/a> that no one should touch them without their consent if we touch them without their consent?\u201d ~ Ozy Frantz<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d say, don\u2019t be afraid of your sexual feelings as they arise. Feel them and learn about them; get used to them alone before you act on them with another.\u201d ~ GemmaM<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cIf I had kids, I would tell them sex can be wonderful, but that, like most things, it must be approached responsibly. I would then go on to inform them of all that is involved in approaching it responsibly. But I wouldn\u2019t stop there. No, I would make sure they knew that sex and relationships have a learning curve, that they are likely to make mistakes, and that mistakes can usually be learned from. Hence, they are not to despair and think the world is coming to an end if and when they do make mistakes. Lastly, I would be sure to teach them how to identify an abusive relationship and how to get out of one.\u201d ~ Paul Sunstone<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cA person who does not take your pleasure into account isn\u2019t worth having sex with.\u201d ~ Lucreza Borgia<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cYou don\u2019t owe anyone sex or intimacy. <\/strong>Even if you\u2019ve had sex with them before. Even if you said you would. Even if they\u2019re your significant other. Even if they\u2019ll be sad if you don\u2019t. Relatedly, if you ever feel uncomfortable in a sexual situation, get out of it if you are able to, as quickly as possible. Even if the other person hasn\u2019t \u201cdone anything\u201d to make you uncomfortable. You don\u2019t owe it to anyone to stay in a situation that you feel weird about.\u201d ~ Miri<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m going to teach [my future children] about masturbation. I\u2019m going to take my daughter to a classy sex store, and we\u2019re going to have an open, honest chat about why I\u2019m entirely in support of this activity. With the shame removed, the act of \u201cSelf-love\u201d is a wonderful expression of self respect. It can do wonders for self esteem and body image, and it really helps get teens ready for the day they decide to try things with a partner. It\u2019s incredibly relaxing, it\u2019s healthy, and it doesn\u2019t have to carry with it an air of secrecy and dirtiness. Guilt and shame with masturbation are taught and deeply ingrained, and that\u2019s not right or fair.\u201d ~ FlightedChemist<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cNot all sexual activities will be your favourite ones. Some will make you overdo, some will put you off quickly, many will be really OK. And once we grow up, we understand that tastes are different and that just because you find eggplant to be dull, and celery to be vomit-inducing, it doesn\u2019t mean that people who eat eggplant with celery are bad people. It especially doesn\u2019t mean that you have to like something because apparently everybody does. Know your own tastes. You don\u2019t let people tell you that you actually like eggplant though you know you don\u2019t, so don\u2019t let anybody tell you that you really like or need sexual activity X.\u201d ~ Giliell<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cThe baseball metaphor sucks. Not only does everyone disagree on what each base actually stands for (your euphemism is a failure when you have to argue about what every part means), but it ranks things. Some people can take or leave P-I-V\u2013or, you know, their partnerships don\u2019t include one penis and one vagina\u2013and some think oral sex is the best thing ever. And some people would actually rather be playing baseball.\u201d ~ Kate Donovan<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cI want to talk a little bit about how to do so, while being a good person\u2013 what you could call sexual ethics. There are two aspects of that which I\u2019m going to cover: (1) Taking care of yourself; (2) Taking care of others. Yep, that\u2019s it. That\u2019s what sexual ethics is. You might think it\u2019s a no-brainer, but it isn\u2019t to a lot of people\u2026and I\u2019m going to try and explain that too.\u201d ~ Gretchen Koch<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cAny sexual activity you choose to participate in needs to be in concert with your values and the values of your partner.\u201d ~ Victoria<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cIt is not your job to act out porn or to only do the things your partner wants to do, especially if you don\u2019t like them or feel uncomfortable. If they insist, google some \u201chow to identify a controlling person\u201d checklists.\u201d ~ Meg<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cYou may know at this point whether you\u2019re attracted to boys or girls or both or neither. Whatever it is, it\u2019s who you are and there is nothing wrong with it, so don\u2019t ever let anyone make you feel bad or ashamed about it. You have my complete support and love, period.\u201d ~ Ed Brayton<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cTo the boys I would tell them that \u201cNo,\u201d does not mean \u201cI need to be convinced\u201d. I would tell them not to be afraid to ask a girl to dance or for a date, but not to be upset if they are told no. To the girls I would tell them that their value as a person does not reside between their legs and anyone who tries to make them think it does is not someone they want to be with.\u201d ~ Highlander<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cWhat I would like to say to my former self, and what I think that a lot of kids today could profit from hearing is this: feelings are comprehensible and manageable. There\u2019s no need to ignore or suppress them, nor do they have to control your life. The trick to managing feelings \u2014 the technique I was never taught \u2014 is to pay attention to them without being drawn in.\u201d ~ The Fruits of Ofkamma<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cMy hope is that, along with other \u201cmoral\u201d issues, I will be able to put as much responsibility on my son as I think he can handle to make the right decision, neither burdening him with the weight of it all or removing his obvious will from the situation. While I will not argue that he should only have sex in marriage, I will likely recommend that the best scenario for him to engage in sex is one in which he has a handle on other areas of his life and thus is prepared to deal with the pleasures and consequences of his actions. This, for me, would be later, rather than earlier, in a committed relationship, where the chances of one partner taking advantage of another have decreased, if ever so slightly.\u201d ~ Matt Recla<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d first and foremost point out that a person is likely to treat you like they treated their past parters \u2013 if a guy breaks up with his girlfriend to be with you, they\u2019re probably not going to hesitate to break up with you when someone newer and more interesting comes along. If someone says \u201call my exes are crazy\u201d, you\u2019re going to be the crazy ex, too (and they probably drove all of their exes crazy). If they got someone else pregnant, they might get you pregnant. And so on.\u201d ~ Rae<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cYour worth as a human being isn\u2019t remotely contingent on whether or not you\u2019ve had sex. You might hear that you\u2019re sullied if you\u2019ve \u201clost your virginity,\u201d or that you need to have sex to be cool, or to be an adult. Neither is true. The only right time to have sex is when both you and your partner feel that you\u2019re ready to have sex, and that you want to have sex. And that\u2019s something you get to decide for yourself.\u201d ~ Rachel Marcy<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cSex isn\u2019t love. Sex is sex, love is love. Lots of people find that sex is better with somebody you love, but they aren\u2019t the same thing.\u201d ~ Uly<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cBasically my strategy is start young, be completely non-judgemental and teach them to respect themselves.\u201d ~ Sophie<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cOnly have sex with someone if you can say, with confidence, that you love them, or at least deeply trust them. This one is kind of personal and I realize many people may disagree. However, this isn\u2019t rooted in some bullshit about how sex is such a ~*~spiritual and magical~*~ union. Rather, I think that sex is an act of profound trust and vulnerability, for both sexes. You are rendering yourself pretty defenseless to that person. When you engage in sex acts with someone, they become capable of doing very deep harm to you on many levels (physical, verbal\/emotional, blackmail). So, in my opinion, you should have a deep trust of someone before opening up this possibility. If you\u2019ll excuse the mediocre analogy, you wouldn\u2019t let someone borrow your credit card or your car unless you knew a lot about them and trusted them with such sensitive resources, so why on earth would you apply a lower standard when it comes to *your own body\/self*?\u201d ~ Lane<\/a><\/p>\n \u201c[In conversations with my boyfriend\u2019s 12 year old daughter] I\u2019ve stressed to her a lot that her worth lies in far more than her looks and her body. She has an amazing mind and I want her to value that. I\u2019ve talked to her some about body image and valuing herself, and that if a boy values her only for her body he doesn\u2019t really love her.\u201d ~ Ecolt<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cAdvice specific to women who are attracted to men: Don\u2019t have sex with a \u201cpro-life\u201d man. It doesn\u2019t matter if you\u2019re pro-life, if you would never have an abortion under any circumstances, etc. Don\u2019t do it. A man who will tell you what to do with your uterus will tell you what to do with your vagina. Find a man with the same values as you, but not one who is willing to force his values on you, no matter how much you agree with him.\u201d ~ Niemand<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cLearning about our bodies is essential to create confidence in our physical selves, gives us understanding about what pleasure is and can be, lets us understand the risks associated with sex, and thus improves the foundations of communication and makes possible informed consent.\u201d ~ AndersH<\/a><\/p>\n \u201cThis one may cost me my progressive card, because I can be a little prudish when it comes to sex. I think that sexuality is a big decision which teenagers should take seriously and only become intimate some ways into the relationship, once you have an emotional foundation and a certain degree of trust. But I\u2019m also in favor (majorly) of thorough sex education and birth control access, and majorly *not* in favor of the focus on virginity and the hard-divide between sex and everything-but you see in some conservative circles.\u201d ~ Marta L.<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201cI would tell a teenager that sex is something that most people enjoy immensely, and that they will probably want to do themselves, but that it does carry risks. So all in all, I would approach it quite similarly to alcohol \u2013 it is something I hope they enjoy responsibly as they get older, but that it is something to explore carefully with people you can trust\u2026and if they ever get into trouble relating to it, I hope that they can rely on my reaction being to solve the problem first, then do any required lecturing!\u201d ~ Slow Learner<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201cAs a society, we (speaking from a U.S. perspective here) tend to treat sex as this thing that is completely outside normal life. The fact that most of us have sex with the rest of the world on the other side of a door means we act like sex happens in another world with rules of its own. That\u2019s a problem because we act as though all the things we knew on the other side of that door are useless when it comes to sex. They aren\u2019t, of course. Sex is a number of things: (frequently) a social interaction, bodily mechanics, pleasure, risk. We already deal with all of those in the rest of our lives, and we already know plenty about how to deal with them.\u201d ~ Stephanie Zhan<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201c[Teenagers] need to be given accurate factual information about STIs, their symptoms, if any (mostly so they can recognize them, just in case), and methods of prevention. Also, they need to be given concrete information on how to get STI screenings in their area, in the most practical terms possible: you make an appointment with such-and-such (here\u2019s the number), you go here (take this bus). If possible, help them navigate the system the first time. They [also] need to be given accurate factual information about pregnancy and contraceptives.\u201d ~ Anna<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201cIf we want people to act like adults, the best way to achieve that is to treat<\/em> them like adults. That means we have to teach them everything they need to know to make informed choices and have sex safely: the importance of enthusiastic consent<\/a>, how to use contraception, and all the rest of it. I\u2019m sure other bloggers will address these areas, so I won\u2019t dwell on them. I want to focus on the deeper importance of de-mystification<\/a>, of breaking down the taboos and false ideas around sex, and here\u2019s what I think is the biggest one: Sex has no magic power to transform you<\/a>.\u201d ~ Adam Lee<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201cSure, teaching \u201cyes means yes\u201d (and also no means no, because it allows for someone to change their mind) is good, but I don\u2019t want a \u201cyes\u201d coming from \u201cwell everyone else is doing it, so obviously I should be ok with this\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t want to be a little kid, so I\u2019ll say yes\u201d or \u201cI want him\/her to think better of me, so I\u2019ll say yes\u201d or anything else.\u201d ~ Christine<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201cYou never \u201chave to\u201d have sex. You never owe it to anyone. I don\u2019t care if they paid for dinner or helped you move or you\u2019ve been dating for a year and they\u2019re ready. I don\u2019t care if you\u2019ve had sex before with someone else or even with this person. You never owe anyone sex, ever. And if they\u2019re not willing to wait for your enthusiastic consent<\/a>, then they are not worth your time, trust, and certainly not your love.\u201d ~ Kay<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a>\u201cDescribe how sex can be fun\u2014pleasure, orgasms, emotional and physical intimacy\u2014and how it can go wrong\u2014abuse, cheating, jealousy, manipulation, and heartbreak. Give examples of negotiating sex. Talk about monogamy and polyamory. This isn\u2019t technical knowledge and can\u2019t be taught as such, though it can be informed with information like descriptions of what abusive romantic relationships look like. The goal would be to situate sex in the wider context of relationships and to explain how to find healthy, functional sexual relationships while avoiding unhealthy, dysfunctional ones. I doubt it\u2019s possible to really teach this, but maybe provoking teenagers to think about it and arming them with some ideas of what healthy and unhealthy look like might help.\u201d ~ Cara<\/a><\/p>\n