{"id":13335,"date":"2013-02-19T05:22:40","date_gmt":"2013-02-19T09:22:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=13335"},"modified":"2013-02-19T01:18:51","modified_gmt":"2013-02-19T05:18:51","slug":"what-about-sex-ed-for-younger-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2013\/02\/what-about-sex-ed-for-younger-children.html","title":{"rendered":"What about Sex Ed for Younger Children?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Yesterday I posted a roundup of advice on sex for teenagers<\/a>, and ideas about how to help teenagers learn about and navigate their sexuality. But as a number of readers pointed out, sex education starts long before the teen years.<\/p>\n

One reader, AfricaTurtle, posted a comment<\/a>:<\/p>\n

I posted a question elsewhere just this week concerning sexuality and younger children (my oldest is 7). Do you have any practical advice\/links in this category? I feel really lost because we are always told that this is a \u201cTeen\u201d issue (as indicated in this write-up) and yet even my pediatrician confirmed that there are major sexual developments happening in a 5 year old! (always wanting to \u201cflash\u201d everyone!)<\/p>\n

They (my kids) talk about erections, masturbation (wihtout calling it that) and laugh about \u201csex\u201d since they hear kids at school laughing about it. I really don\u2019t feel prepared for some of these conversations (though I tend to go with a open\/honest approach). I don\u2019t know where to set \u201climits\u201d (if any need to be set) . . . because all of my personal limits were taught within the confines of fundamentalism . . . any help from you and your readers would be appreciated!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I totally understand where AfricaTurtle is coming from here. Just this past weekend I had to have a conversation with Sally about masturbation. And she\u2019s in preschool<\/em>. (I basically just told her that yes, it feels good to touch yourself down there, and sometimes I do it too, but that it\u2019s something we do in private, so if she wants to touch herself she should do it in her bedroom.) So yes, I am more than aware that conversations about sex, bodies, and reproduction begin\u00a0much<\/em> earlier than the teen years.<\/p>\n

I think what changes when the teens hit is that, well, they get to the point where sex is\u00a0actually\u00a0something they\u2019re going to start doing. A conversation with an eight year old is abstract; a conversation with a fifteen year old is pragmatic. And on some level, I think that makes the two types of conversation fundamentally different.<\/p>\n

I wrote about sex education for the preschooler<\/a> last summer, and I want to quote from it before opening the floor for suggestions and resources:<\/p>\n

1. Answer questions honestly and openly<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sally took me aback the other day by finding my vibrator. I had thought it was thoroughly put away, but apparently not. She held it up, a curious but wholly innocent look on her face.<\/p>\n

Mommy, what is this?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

So many other women would have simply freaked out, taken the vibrator away, and told her she wasn\u2019t supposed to see that, or else told her nothing at all. I didn\u2019t, though. Without\u00a0registering\u00a0that anything at all was amiss, I said the following:<\/p>\n

That\u2019s mommy\u2019s vibrator. When you are all grown up you can have one too. Here, let me have my vibrator and I\u2019ll put it away.<\/em><\/p>\n

As Sally handed me the vibrator, I knew that I was setting up lines of trust \u2013 and barring the door against shame. If I\u2019d responded differently Sally might have thought my vibrator was something shameful, or she might have become curious about this forbidden object and, knowing she couldn\u2019t ask me, looked elsewhere for answers.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019ll readily admit that Sally didn\u2019t ask what my vibrator was\u00a0for.\u00a0<\/em>But I think I could answer honestly and appropriately even if she did.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

2. Teach her about her body without shame<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve taught Sally essentially all of her body parts. We usually do it during bath time. She knows her hands, her belly, her back, even her nostrils. And of course, she knows her private parts too. I don\u2019t see any reason to teach her about all of her other body parts but\u00a0skip\u00a0those parts as though they\u2019re some sort of secret, something we don\u2019t talk about, something to be ashamed of.<\/p>\n

\u2026<\/p>\n

3. Let her know her body is\u00a0hers<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

When I teach Sally her body parts in the bath, I tell her that her body is\u00a0hers,\u00a0<\/em>no body else\u2019s. I tell her that she is in charge of who touches her, and how, and no one can force her to let them touch her if she doesn\u2019t want them to. Her body is\u00a0hers.\u00a0<\/em>And I think she gets that. She even repeats it back to me:<\/p>\n

My body is mine? Not anybody else\u2019s?<\/em><\/p>\n

Yes, I tell her, yes, that\u2019s right. And then I sometimes run down a list. Is your body mommy\u2019s? Is your body grandpa\u2019s? Is your body *insert friend from daycare*\u2019s? She answers no, no, no, and eventually I finish with \u201cis your body yours<\/em>?\u201d \u201cYes!\u201d she squeals with a smile.<\/p>\n

And I back her up on this. If it\u2019s time for me or her daddy to go to work and Sally doesn\u2019t want to give us a hug or a kiss, well, then we don\u2019t get a kiss. It really does suck to send your child off to daycare without a kiss or a hug, but I don\u2019t want Sally to think that kisses or hugs \u2013 or any other sort of physical contact \u2013 are things she should be able to be forced to give. I want her to learn that she chooses when to say \u201cno\u201d and when to say \u201cyes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Hopefully, someday, if a boyfriend pushes her for something she\u2019s not comfortable with, she\u2019ll know how to say \u201cno.\u201d And in the meantime, hopefully she\u2019ll know that she can say \u201cno\u201d to a sexual predator should she ever have a run-in with one.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

But that\u2019s really all I\u2019ve got for you all. I\u2019m no expert here.<\/p>\n

Just the other day Sally insisted that because she grew inside of me and not inside of \u00a0her daddy, she was my daughter but not Sean\u2019s. I responded by using a seed metaphor\u2014that a seed from daddy called a \u201csperm\u201d and a seed from mommy called an \u201cegg\u201d came together to start her growing inside of me\u2014in order to explain, but I didn\u2019t talk about how what seed got where or any of those extra details. This is where we\u2019re at right now, and that\u2019s all the experience I\u2019ve got.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going off my gut, and so far I think my gut has been pretty good, but I haven\u2019t looked into any books on how to handle sex ed topics with kids this young. I probably should. So, let me put AfricaTurtle\u2019s question to you all. What books and other resources do you suggest? What pieces of advice do you have? I\u2019m sure AfricaTurtle and myself aren\u2019t the only ones who would be grateful for some additional pointers!<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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