{"id":1567,"date":"2012-03-26T10:30:10","date_gmt":"2012-03-26T14:30:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/freethoughtblogs.com\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=1567"},"modified":"2012-08-07T22:52:55","modified_gmt":"2012-08-08T02:52:55","slug":"dealing-with-difficult-relationships-part-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/03\/dealing-with-difficult-relationships-part-i.html","title":{"rendered":"Dealing with difficult relationships, Part I"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I received a lot of grateful comments after the posts<\/a> I wrote<\/a> on coming out as an atheist, or, if the situation warrants it, on dealing with life in the closet. One theme that came out again and again was the difficulties of dealing with relationships with religious relatives. And this isn\u2019t a problem only atheists face: I\u2019ve actually met Christians who are either progressive or simply describe themselves as \u201cspiritual\u201d but were raised in evangelical or fundamentalist families and deal with these same problems.<\/p>\n

Given that it seems I\u2019m not alone in struggling with difficult relationships with highly religious relatives \u2013 in my case my parents \u2013 I thought I\u2019d share some tips I\u2019ve been given along the way. I\u2019m going to share two tips here and plan to make this an ongoing series as I find more to add.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019d like to add additional tips that you\u2019ve learned along the way, either in a comment or by emailing me (see my \u201cabout\u201d tab for my email address), I may incorporate additional ideas (giving credit where credit is due, of course) in future posts on this topic. Maybe crowd\u00a0sourcing\u00a0and sharing ideas can help make all of our lives better as we work through difficult relationships.<\/p>\n

1. The Three Sentence Rule<\/strong><\/p>\n

Someone actually gave me this tip on the No Longer Quivering forum, though I don\u2019t remember who it was. The basic idea is that if you have something you feel you need to share and know it probably won\u2019t go over well and don\u2019t want to deal with all the crap, you use a three sentence format like this.\u00a0Here are some examples:<\/p>\n

\u201cMom, I have something to tell you that we\u2019re not going to agree on. I\u2019m not going to church anymore. That\u2019s my decision, and it\u2019s not up for discussion, but I wanted you to know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMom, I\u00a0have some bad news and I\u2019m asking you not to freak out. I\u2019m an atheist, which means I don\u2019t believe in God. I feel better now that you know, let\u2019s not talk about it any further.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

The key is to quickly share whatever it is, and then explain that it\u2019s not up for discussion. This technique can be used to deal with overbearing or controlling relatives when dealing with issues way beyond religion. This, for example:<\/p>\n

\u201cMom, I have some bad news, but please just listen. I\u2019m moving to California in three months. I have made this decision with much thought, and it\u2019s not up for discussion or debate.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Now obviously, this tip only works for specific circumstances \u2013 like telling your Catholic mother that you\u2019re not going to baptize your new baby or coming out as an atheist altogether \u2013 but it can nevertheless be an effective way of sharing a piece of information without having to deal with immediate emotional\u00a0repercussions. But what, you ask, if the other person won\u2019t just leave the conversation at that and insists on discussing it with you? That brings me to my next tip.<\/p>\n

2. Setting Boundaries <\/strong><\/p>\n

I suppose I already knew this one, but when a therapist pointed it out directly a few months ago it clicked in a way it hadn\u2019t before: When you find yourself in a relationship that is difficult or causes emotional pain, you can set boundaries about what you will or will not talk about. For example:<\/p>\n

Mom, when we talk about church, it always ends up painful for both of us. I don\u2019t think we should talk about church anymore. If you bring it up again in the future, I\u2019ll remind you that I said this.<\/p>\n

Mom, I know you disagree with my decision not to raise my children in the church, but I don\u2019t think talking about it at this point is productive. So let\u2019s just avoid this topic in the future, okay?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

It takes two people to have a conversation. If one person refuses to participate, it won\u2019t take place. If needed, you can just keep repeating \u201cI\u2019m not going to talk about this\u201d or even simply walk out of the room.<\/p>\n

Conclusion<\/strong><\/p>\n

These two tips have helped ease my relationship with my parents, and have made visits a lot less stressful. Knowing that I can put certain topics off limits, or that I can tell them something I don\u2019t like without letting it immediately becoming a situation, makes me a lot more comfortable and makes me feel a lot more in control of what goes on around me.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I received a lot of grateful comments after the posts I wrote on coming out as an atheist, or, if the situation warrants it, on dealing with life in the closet. One theme that came out again and again was the difficulties of dealing with relationships with religious relatives. 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