{"id":18405,"date":"2013-10-24T05:30:47","date_gmt":"2013-10-24T09:30:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=18405"},"modified":"2013-10-24T10:01:15","modified_gmt":"2013-10-24T14:01:15","slug":"an-open-letter-to-debi-pearl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2013\/10\/an-open-letter-to-debi-pearl.html","title":{"rendered":"An Open Letter to Debi Pearl"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Dear Debi,<\/p>\n

I was very excited when I read your article of this past August, titled \u201cThe Roland Study<\/a>.\u201d In that article, you began with this opening paragraph:<\/p>\n

My grandson Roland, who just turned one, has taught me more about the development of babies and toddlers than I learned my first sixty-plus years of life. It is not that he is such a fine teacher; it\u2019s just that, now that I\u2019m a grandmother, not responsible for meeting the daily needs of my children, I can seriously focus on what makes him tick:\u00a0 how much he understands, what causes him joy or anxiety or fear, his interests and responses\u2014and, most importantly, what a child is capable of learning at various ages.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I am glad to know that you, like me, have become fascinated by listening to children and trying to understand what makes them tick. It\u2019s amazing, isn\u2019t it? I am writing because I am concerned about your husband\u2019s book,\u00a0To Train Up A Child<\/em>. I understand that he stands by what he wrote there, but I have read the book multiple times and feel that the central messages of that book run contrary to what you wrote in your article.<\/p>\n

Let me offer some examples.<\/p>\n

First is the way one views the natural behavior and needs of infants and toddlers. You urge parents to \u201calways assume your cranky baby is sleepy, sick, or bored, and do something to alleviate the problem or meet the need.\u201d This is wonderful advice! Yet in to\u00a0To Train Up A Child<\/a><\/em>,\u00a0Michael has this to say of a cranky baby:<\/p>\n

As the mother, holding her child, leans over the crib and begins the swing downward, the infant stiffens, takes a deep breath and bellows. The battle for control has begun in earnest. Someone is going to be conditioned. Either the tender-hearted mother will cave in to this self-centered demand (thus training the child to get his way by crying) or the infant is allowed to cry (learning that crying is counterproductive). Crying because of genuine physical need is simply the infant\u2019s only voice to the outside world; but crying in order to manipulate the adults into constant servitude should never be rewarded. Otherwise, you will reinforce the child\u2019s growing self-centeredness, which will eventually become socially intolerable.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In other words, you say that cranky babies should be assumed to be sleepy, sick, or bored, but Michael urges parents to view a cranky baby as selfish or rebellious. Which is it? Should a parent respond to a cranky baby with love and compassion, as you urge, trying to find a way to meet that baby\u2019s needs, or should a parent view a cranky baby as \u201cself-centered\u201d working to \u201cmanipulate\u201d?<\/p>\n

Next is the issue of actually listening<\/em> to your children. In your article you write that, as a result of \u201cstudying\u201d your grandson Roland, you felt as though you were \u201cquietly listening to him speak before he could actually talk.\u201d Yet nowhere in To Train Up A Child<\/em> does Michael focus on teaching parents to parents to listen<\/em> to their small children, whether they can talk or not. In fact, the word \u201clisten\u201d appears only three times in the book. It once refers to a girl listening to train whistles, and once to a father listening to his daughters sing, and the third time it is the child who must listen, not the parent:<\/p>\n

However, if you are just beginning to institute training on an already rebellious child, who runs from discipline and is too incoherent to listen, then use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In other words, you urge parents to listen to small children, to try to hear what they\u2019re trying to say, but Michael focuses on forcing them into submission without ever mentioning listening to them. Which is it? Should parents listen to their children, even young babies and toddlers, or should children be the only ones to listen, required to \u201csurrender\u201d because the parent is \u201cbigger\u201d and \u201ctougher\u201d?<\/p>\n

Finally, when speaking of your study of Roland, unable yet to walk, you state that \u201cI could clearly see that he knew what was happening and wished he could join the parade of feet running here and there.\u00a0 This baby boy was frustrated by his baby body.\u201d Yet nowhere in his book does Michael point out that children might be frustrated, whether by the limitations of their bodies or by anything else. For instance, Michael states this:<\/p>\n

How many times have we observed the grocery store arena? A devious little kid sits up in the command seat of the shopping cart exercising his \u201cchildhood rights\u201d to unlimited self-indulgence. The parent fearfully but hopelessly steers around the tempting \u201ctrees of knowledge of good and evil.\u201d Too late! The child spies the object of his unbridled lust. The battle is on. The child will either get what he wants or make the parent miserable. Either way, he conquers.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In other words, you urge parents to consider that they\u2019re children\u2019s actions may be the result of natural frustrations, but Michael seems completely unaware that this could be the case\u2014or else he simply doesn\u2019t care. Which is it? Should babies and small children be assumed to be rebellious and selfish, or should parents consider that their children\u2019s behavior might be the result of natural frustration, like Roland\u2019s frustration with not being able to walk? Why does Michael not address the fact that the child in his anecdote might be hungry, or overstimulated, or tired?<\/p>\n

I know this may be hard for you to hear, Debi, but many parents who read\u00a0To Train Up A Child<\/em>\u00a0come away viewing their children\u2019s normal behavior as sinful and interpreting their children\u2019s natural needs as selfish as a result. They don\u2019t come away with the idea that they should listen to their children or try to understand what makes their children tick, because that\u2019s not in there.<\/p>\n

Let me take a moment to tell you a bit of my own story. When my daughter Sally was ten months old, she discovered some potted plants on our coffee table. I told her \u201cno\u201d but she would not give up her interest in them, and, as a result of reading\u00a0To Train Up A Child,<\/em>\u00a0I saw that as disobedience and the beginning of life-long rebellion. So I began to switch her hand every time she touched the plants. Nothing worked, and our relationship suffered.\u00a0It was only when I called the contest off and took some time to try to understand Sally\u2019s perspective\u2014something never suggested in\u00a0To Train Up A Child,<\/em>\u00a0by the way\u2014that everything changed and my relationship with my daughter began to blossom. Rather than viewing her actions as disobedience or sin or selfishness, I sought to meet her at her level and understand what made her tick.<\/p>\n

You said in your post that you have learned more in the last year about the development of babies and toddlers than you learned in the entire first six decades of your life. Debi, I\u2019m asking you, please reread\u00a0To Train Up A Child<\/em>\u00a0and examine the advice given there with your new understanding in mind. Ask yourself what message parents will take away from the way babies and toddlers are portrayed, described, and represented. Ask yourself about how articles like this<\/a> and this<\/a> and this<\/a> teach parents to view and understand children. And then ask yourself whether it might be time to pull production of the book.<\/p>\n

Thank you for listening,<\/p>\n

Libby Anne<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Debi. I am glad to know that you, like me, have become fascinated by listening to children and trying to understand what makes them tick. It’s amazing, isn’t it? I am writing because I am concerned about your husband’s book, To Train Up A Child. I understand that he stands by what he wrote there, but I have read the book multiple times and feel that the central messages of that book run contrary to what you wrote in your article.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[155,229],"class_list":["post-18405","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","tag-debi-pearl","tag-no-greater-joy"],"yoast_head":"\nAn Open Letter to Debi Pearl<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dear Debi. 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