{"id":19367,"date":"2013-12-07T01:12:13","date_gmt":"2013-12-07T05:12:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=19367"},"modified":"2013-12-07T01:12:13","modified_gmt":"2013-12-07T05:12:13","slug":"ctnahm-how-to-fix-your-wifes-unhappiness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2013\/12\/ctnahm-how-to-fix-your-wifes-unhappiness.html","title":{"rendered":"CTNAHM: How to Fix Your Wife’s Unhappiness"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

\"\"<\/a>A Guest Post by Aletha<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Originally posted on Yllom Mormon<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

Created To Need A Help Meet<\/a>, pp. 94\u201495<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

We are still talking about the wives of Steady Men. Today, we\u2019re discussing how discontent they tend to be, and the fixes men can take for this.
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Making of a Shrew<\/strong><\/p>\n

I feel sorry for Go-to [women Visionaries, basically] wives married to Steady Men. They are like kids visiting the zoo strapped into a stroller. Consider this: When a woman is married to a bossy,\u00a0dominant\u00a0Command\u00a0Man, people\u00a0marvel\u00a0that she is willing to serve him without complaint, so she comes out looking like a wonderful woman of great patience and sacrifice. A woman married to the impulsive Visionary who puts the family through hardships will stir amazement in everyone. \u201cHow can she tolerate his peculiar ideas with such peace and joy?\u201d She comes\u00a0out being\u00a0a real saint, maybe even a martyr. But if the wife of a kind, gentle man grows anxious in demanding action, she appears overbearing and bossy.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Alrighty then. First comparison of the chapter, and he\u2019s alluding wives to babies. Which, isn\u2019t too surprising, given how he tends to think of women. It\u2019s still insulting, though. And if I had a little kid, and took it to the zoo, I wouldn\u2019t leave him strapped into the stroller. I would carry him, or take him to the petting zoo so he could harass the llamas or something.<\/p>\n

It seems Michael is trying to convince Steady Men to act a certain way, and he is using the threat of how others see his wife. \u00a0In Fundamentalist culture, appearances are more important than facts. Even in Mormonism<\/a>, how you really are doing means less than pasting on a smile and pretending everything is perfect. \u00a0So perhaps insinuating that Mr. Steady\u2019s wife looks bad to outsiders is a good motivator? \u00a0I don\u2019t know for sure, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.<\/p>\n

He will always appear to be the underdog, and she the dog. A Command Man would channel her energies and ideas to his own end. A Visionary would give her cause along with the headache he imparts. But the Steady Man leaves her on idle until she could scream, \u201cGet up and do something!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Great. Children and dogs, that\u2019s what your wife really is. \u00a0I think it\u2019s interestingly telling that in all of these descriptions of how the husband would use the wife, nowhere is there what the wife wants. No admonitions to listen, or ask her how she feels. Just the general understanding that a wife is there to drag where you will. Unless you don\u2019t drag her, and then she turns bossy and overbearing.<\/p>\n

When you help her, adore her, protect her, and provide for all her needs, she still seems unhappy and\u00a0thankful\u00a0 How can you please\u00a0that\u00a0kind of woman? She is well aware that others think she is a shrew, and it makes her worse. Wives don\u2019t do well under condemnation. No one does. Poor lady; it is better to be treated badly by her man than have half the church thinking she is a bossy brat.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

While it is true that spouses (not just wives! Heck, not just spouses; anyone in a relationship) that seem to be ungrateful are difficult to deal with, I\u2019m wondering what exactly Michael means by \u201cprovides for all her needs\u201d. \u00a0Obviously, she needs to be needed, Michael has made that clear over and over. But he\u2019s never brought up any other need that a woman might have. I\u2019m curious, too, what Michael means by \u201chelp\u201d.<\/p>\n

Also, I\u2019m wondering how often women that are thought of as shrews get worse, seemingly out of spite. I know, while I was still attending church, I was viewed as negative and snappish. On days that it bothered me, I would try to keep my commentary to myself, and play nice with others.<\/p>\n

Oh, and I think most people would rather half the church think bad things about them than be treated badly. I\u2019m in shock that Michael would say that. From here it sounds like he\u2019s saying \u201cHey, Mr. Steady, if your wife isn\u2019t grateful, treat her badly and whip her into shape! You don\u2019t want others seeing how shrewish she is!\u201d<\/p>\n

Disappointment and unthankfulness can make a woman wearier than any amount of labor. Her trials are conceived in\u00a0discontentment\u00a0over what she perceives to be your shortcomings. This is why many disgruntled wives married to Mr. Steadies fall victim to \u201chormonal imbalances,\u201d physical illnesses, or emotional problems. Is your lady sickly? I have seen many sick women get happy and then healthy when their Mr. Steady gives them a challenging job.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Yes, that\u2019s right. Hormonal imbalances, being sick, or having emotional issues are all a result of being unthankful to husbands. \u00a0My husband is mostly Mr. Steady, and I have a serious amount of hormonal imbalances and emotional issues. But guess what? They\u2019re not from my ingratitude. They are biologically and childhood trauma based. I really, really dislike this type of thinking, that mental\/physical illness is because of some \u201csin\u201d on the afflicted\u2019s part.<\/p>\n

And I wish Michael would have had an anecdote as to how giving a sick (perhaps legitimately) woman magically got happy and well by being given chores. Because it sounds like a lot of bananas to me!<\/p>\n

Wrong Response<\/strong><\/p>\n

As a Steady\/Priestly Man, your natural response to your lady\u2019s unhappiness is exactly the opposite of what she needs. You will be confused at your wife\u2019s unhappiness and try to serve her more, which may further\u00a0diminish\u00a0her respect for your masculinity.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Don\u2019t you just love it when Michael tries to talk psychology? It\u2019s like watching someone play \u201cPin the tail on the donkey\u201d, after they\u2019ve been spinning for 10 minutes and headed the wrong way.<\/p>\n

I came into my marriage with a lot of baggage and fears. I wasn\u2019t unhappy at my Mr. Steady, I was confused. I didn\u2019t understand his mildness, and I didn\u2019t think I deserved his kindness and serving. I constantly waited for the other shoe to drop. But what I needed was consistency, not whatever Michael would prescribe. \u00a0Same with our foster kids. They came into our house from a dysfunctional background. They needed kindness and consistency. \u00a0Giving people that has no effect of your masculinity, because those things should be gender-less.<\/p>\n

Your weakness is giving over when what she really needs is for you to make some simple decisions\u2014now, not tomorrow\u2014and stick with them regardless of who pushes you. But you must pick your battles and make sure you are in the right, that you are not acting selfishly or with malice. She should be able to eventually see that you were wise and correct in the stand you took. As a woman hates a vacuum, she loves\u00a0just\u00a0authority. Justice without authority is weakness, and authority without justice is tyranny, but just authority is peace and security for a woman.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Here, I think Michael makes some decent points. Sometimes people just need to make a decision. Fence sitters are frustrating for those who have already chosen a side. It\u2019s good to pick your battles and don\u2019t act selfishly or with malice. Though I think it\u2019s funny that it\u2019s Michael who says that. What would he consider selfish? Not letting his wife put on shoes to go crabbing? Making her cook while he slept? Hitting children for showing any emotion but cheerfulness?<\/p>\n

I have no idea how he came up with his \u201cwomen hate a vacuum\u201d thing. But even worse is that he pairs it with \u201cwomen love just authority!\u201d Not all women do. Not all people do. Some people can\u2019t handle any authority at all. \u00a0I really wish Michael would define his terms. What does he think \u201cjustice\u201d, \u201cauthority\u201d, \u201ctyranny\u201d, and \u201csecurity\u201d mean? Because the way he uses them sure doesn\u2019t match up with how I define them!<\/p>\n

Also, how does he know what is security for a woman? For every woman, especially! I can\u2019t imagine him asking thousands of women in an unbiased survey, as research for his book. I can\u2019t even imagine the scads of women who said \u201cWell, yes.\u201d if he were to ask them 1-on-1. \u00a0For me, personally, security (dealing with my husband) means that I know he won\u2019t hit me, and he will take care of me. I\u2019m not really sure what justice has to do with that.<\/p>\n

Welcome to being a husband and trying to understand the female nature. It would be easier to fix a recently discovered World War I land mine. But be assured, she is just as confused trying to understand what makes you tick as you are about what alarms her.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Yes, there will be times when your spouse\u2019s motives or actions are questionable or confusing. The key to de-mystifying that is communication! Say \u201cHey, honey, I don\u2019t understand why you did that. What was your thought process?\u201d or \u201cWow. You seem really upset. What\u2019s on your mind?\u201d \u00a0If trying to understand your spouse or partner feels like attempting to diffuse a land mine, you\u2019re probably doing it wrong. Landmines can\u2019t talk. Landmines can\u2019t make decisions. Landmines don\u2019t care about feelings. They are inanimate destruction devices. And comparing a person to that shows a gross misunderstanding of humanity.<\/p>\n

The lady who lies by your side each night doesn\u2019t know what goes on in your mind. She wants to see, hear, feel, and know what you are thinking; she wants to be your suitable helper, not just your wife. As Mr.Steady, you don\u2019t go around with your ideas scrolling across your forehead. For a woman, just knowing how you think and feel is sooooo [Michael\u2019s\u00a0emphasis\u00a0 not mine] romantic. Your lady hungers to share your dreams and to know what you are feeling. She would be much more patient with your reluctance to make a decision if she just knew you were carefully weighing the issues.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is a valid point. When we first got married, I would be infuriated by my husband\u2019s lack of decision making. After awhile, I would scream \u201cWhy don\u2019t you just pick something???!\u201d. He would look at me, confused, and say \u201cI\u2019m thinking about it.\u201d \u00a0That\u2019s when I realised: not everyone thinks at the same rate as me. Not everyone is OK with snap decisions. Since this talk, I know that he will, eventually, come up with a decision, and he knows to tell me that he\u2019s processing.<\/p>\n

I feel like we need a term for how the Pearl\u2019s operate. They make a valid point and then they surround it with toxic nonsense. Pearl-itize? P-bomb? Lol. My catchphrasing machine must be broken. Any ideas?<\/p>\n

Unless you step up and take charge, you are providing a context for your wife to look and act like a shrew. You are placing more temptation on her than she is willing\u2014or able\u2014to bear. It is your job to sanctify and cleanse your wife of all impurities. If you become the man she needs, she will become the woman you want.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I know this will come as a shock to most readers, but people are responsible for their own actions. No matter how infuriating somebody acts, it\u2019s still my fault if I respond badly. Telling men that by not taking charge they are tempting their wives with shrewhood is\u2026disquieting. Also, I\u2019m curious how Michael thinks an imperfect man can \u201csanctify and cleanse\u201d his wife of all impurities. Does he mean \u201cwhatever she has\/is\/does that I don\u2019t agree with\u201d when he says \u201cimpurity\u201d?<\/p>\n

I sort of agree with the last sentence. Sort of. Something about it makes me feel squicky. Maybe it\u2019s because Michael really has no clue what women need? Maybe it\u2019s because if your spouse isn\u2019t what you want, then you should talk to them? Or maybe the problem is just you and\/or your expectations? But Michael never says that. Ever. His whole shtick seems to be \u201cscratch her back so she\u2019ll put out.\u201d Or, in other words, change something about yourself so that she will change to become what you want her to.<\/p>\n

And that doesn\u2019t sound healthy. Or very nice.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Alrighty then. First comparison of the chapter, and he’s alluding wives to babies. Which, isn’t too surprising, given how he tends to think of women. It’s still insulting, though. And if I had a little kid, and took it to the zoo, I wouldn’t leave him strapped into the stroller. I would carry him, or take him to the petting zoo so he could harass the llamas or something.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[354],"class_list":["post-19367","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-created-to-need-a-help-meet"],"yoast_head":"\nCTNAHM: How to Fix Your Wife's Unhappiness<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Alrighty then. First comparison of the chapter, and he's alluding wives to babies. Which, isn't too surprising, given how he tends to think of women. 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