{"id":23071,"date":"2014-08-24T05:00:25","date_gmt":"2014-08-24T09:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=23071"},"modified":"2014-08-21T15:17:42","modified_gmt":"2014-08-21T19:17:42","slug":"strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html","title":{"rendered":"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost<\/i> Gives Good Advice"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\n

By Victoria<\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/header>\n<\/head>

\n

Originally posted on Saving Victoria Strong<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

The Strong-Willed Child<\/a>, chapter 1, pp. 26-28<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"article-new-thumbnail-ehow-images-a04-gi-ha-stop-screaming-kids-800x800\"<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

If you\u2019ll recall, we\u2019re in the middle of the end of chapter Q&A session. Here\u2019s the next question:<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cShould my child be permitted to say \u2018I hate you!\u2019 when he is angry?\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

To me, there are two issues with this question. First, the \u201cI hate you\u201d part, and secondly, the word \u201cpermitted.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the start of Dobson\u2019s answer:<\/p>\n

\u201cNot in my opinion. Other writers will tell you that all children hate their parents occasionally and should be permitted to vent that hostility. I believe it is possible (and far more healthy) to encourage the expression of negative feelings without reinforcing temper tantrums and violent behavior.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cIf my child screamed his hatred at me\u00a0for the first time\u00a0in a moment of red-faced anger, I would probably wait until his passion had cooled and then convey this message in a loving, sincere manner:<\/p>\n

\u2018Charlie, I know you were very upset earlier today when we had our disagreement, and I think we should talk about what you were feeling.\u00a0All\u00a0children get angry at their parents now and then, especially when they feel unfairly treated. I understand your frustration and I\u2019m sorry we got into such a hassle. But that does not excuse you for saying, \u2018I hate you!\u2019 You\u2019ll learn that no matter how upset I become over something you\u2019ve done, I\u2019ll\u00a0never\u00a0tell you that I hate you. And I can\u2019t permit you to talk that way to me. When people love each other, as you and I do, they don\u2019t want to hurt one another. It hurt me for you to say that you hated me, just as you would be hurt if I said something like that to you. You can, however, tell me what angers you, and I will listen carefully. If I am wrong, I will do my best to change the things you dislike. So I want you to understand that you are free to say anything\u00a0you wish to me as always, even if your feelings are not very pleasant. But you will never be permitted to scream and call names and throw temper tantrums. If you behave in those childish ways, I will have to punish you as I would a little child. Is there anything you need to say to me now? (If not, then put your arms around my neck because I love you!).\u2019\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This really brings me to the second part of all this, the word \u201cpermit.\u201d Basically, Dobson is advocating making \u201cno saying \u2018I hate you\u2019\u201d a house rule. I think this is a huge mistake. Now, to be clear, I\u2019m personally okay with setting some rules, even if they may be arbitrary or come off as such to a child. I do think it\u2019s more effective to explain your thinking behind why bedtime is at 8:30 pm sharp, or why video game time is limited to thirty minutes a day, or what have you. But I do not think setting such rules in the first place is wrong or abusive. Setting this other kind of rule, about not saying certain things in anger, well, this is different. Saying \u201cI hate you\u201d is destructive, yes, but just saying, \u201cthat\u2019s against the rules and you\u2019ll be punished for saying it\u201d doesn\u2019t at all convey to a kid WHY that phrase is so hurtful. If that\u2019s all you do, trust me, he\u2019ll still be thinking it, which really didn\u2019t teach him anything about human interaction at all.<\/p>\n

Rather than banning the phrase, I\u2019d much rather kids be taught and modeled respect, communication skills, and constructive conflict resolution. I would hope my (hypothetical) kid wouldn\u2019t say \u201cI hate you\u201d to me because he\/she respects me and has learned and internalized that that phrase is destructive and hurtful, not because I banned it with an iron fist. And I\u2019m not even remotely going to sit here and pretend that I wouldn\u2019t be very hurt to hear such a thing from my child. But I think that is what would be important to communicate \u2013 that I do have feelings, that I am a human being, that you the kid are capable of hurting people with your words and actions, and then let that sink in. And I don\u2019t think it would sink in if I just hauled off and hit the child for saying it.<\/p>\n

For a personal note here: a few years ago, my mom commented to me that as a teenager I rarely back-talked my parents. My immediate response was, \u201cwell, not out loud.\u201d She looked genuinely surprised and taken aback. Honestly, I don\u2019t know why\u2026<\/p>\n

Another part of this little speech I have to touch on is the part where Dobson prattles on about how he as a parent would never say \u201cI hate you\u201d to his child. My parents never said those exact words to me. They never did, I don\u2019t think even once. But they did communicate that idea to me, over and over and over, even if they never said it outright. I guess my overall point is, when you (Dobson) are writing entire books instructing parents to infer a ton of nasty intent on their\u00a0kids\u2019 actions, and beat them with belts, it\u2019s pretty rich to turn around and put a little halo on your head because you never actually utter the phrase, \u201cI hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Also, is it just me, or did Dobson\u2019s little speech to his hypothetical kid Charlie remind anyone else of O-Ren Ishii\u2019s speech to the Japanese mafia in\u00a0Kill Bill: Volume 1<\/em>\u00a0after she \u201cdeals with\u201d Boss Tanaka? I swear\u2026.<\/p>\n

And of course, this ends on a very creepy, totally icky note \u2013 ordering a kid to give you a hug \u2013 which really doesn\u2019t surprise me, unfortunately. I mean, if you\u2019re advocating hitting kids with belts, how can you suddenly respect their boundaries when it comes to affectionate touch?<\/p>\n

The last Q&A is about whether parents should apologize to their kids when they mess up, and surprisingly, Dobson says they should. He keeps this section very short, and there\u2019s not that much to say about what he wrote.<\/p>\n

And this concludes chapter 1! Stay tuned\u2026<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Victoria.<\/i> Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[420],"class_list":["post-23071","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-strong-willed-child"],"yoast_head":"\nStrong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"By Victoria. Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"By Victoria. Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Love, Joy, Feminism\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-08-24T09:00:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-08-21T19:17:42+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/files\/2014\/08\/article-new-thumbnail-ehow-images-a04-gi-ha-stop-screaming-kids-800x800.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Libby Anne\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html\",\"name\":\"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2014-08-24T09:00:25+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-08-21T19:17:42+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\"},\"description\":\"By Victoria. Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/\",\"name\":\"Love, Joy, Feminism\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2\",\"name\":\"Libby Anne\",\"description\":\"Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the \\\"purity culture,\\\" the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/author\/libby\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice","description":"By Victoria. Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice","og_description":"By Victoria. Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html","og_site_name":"Love, Joy, Feminism","article_published_time":"2014-08-24T09:00:25+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-08-21T19:17:42+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/files\/2014\/08\/article-new-thumbnail-ehow-images-a04-gi-ha-stop-screaming-kids-800x800.jpg"}],"author":"Libby Anne","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Libby Anne","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html","name":"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website"},"datePublished":"2014-08-24T09:00:25+00:00","dateModified":"2014-08-21T19:17:42+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2"},"description":"By Victoria. Had he stopped there, this blog post might be really, really short. I will agree here that the phrase \u201cI hate you\u201d is incredibly destructive and really doesn\u2019t have any place in a loving relationship. It can be apologized for, but never truly unheard. It is simply not a good or constructive tool to have in one\u2019s arsenal of conflict resolution tricks. But I said IF Dobson had stopped there. He didn\u2019t\u2026","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/08\/strong-willed-child-where-dobson-almost-gives-good-advice.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Strong-Willed Child: Where Dobson Almost Gives Good Advice"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/","name":"Love, Joy, Feminism","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2","name":"Libby Anne","description":"Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the \"purity culture,\" the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.","sameAs":["http:\/\/patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/author\/libby"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23071","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/845"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=23071"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/23071\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=23071"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=23071"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=23071"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}