{"id":23361,"date":"2014-09-17T15:35:29","date_gmt":"2014-09-17T19:35:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=23361"},"modified":"2014-09-17T21:40:05","modified_gmt":"2014-09-18T01:40:05","slug":"failing-to-understand-the-dynamics-of-abuse-focus-on-the-family-on-adrian-peterson-and-corporal-punishment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/09\/failing-to-understand-the-dynamics-of-abuse-focus-on-the-family-on-adrian-peterson-and-corporal-punishment.html","title":{"rendered":"Failing to Understand the Dynamics of Abuse: Focus on the Family on Adrian Peterson and Corporal Punishment"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Yesterday, Time Magazine\u2019s parenting section featured an article by Focus on the Family\u2019s Jared Pingleton. The article, titled \u201cSpanking Can Be an Appropriate Form of Discipline<\/a>,\u201d addresses the controversy surrounding\u00a0Adrian Peterson\u2019s suspension from the Minnesota Vikings on pending child abuse charges after leaving open lacerations on his son<\/a>. In his article, Pingleton makes a case for corporal punishment while\u00a0clearly calling Peterson\u2019s actions abuse.<\/p>\n

Pingleton begins his article with this stand-alone sentence, in bold:<\/p>\n

\n

We won\u2019t go wrong if we exercise a firm and consistent hand with a soft and loving heart.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The problem with this statement is that\u00a0Peterson\u00a0was<\/em>\u00a0exercising a \u201cfirm and consistent hand,\u201d and he\u00a0was<\/em>\u00a0disciplining \u201cwith a soft and loving heart.\u201d After being taken to court for injury to a child and then suspended from his team, Peterson apologized for causing his son harm, but he was very clear\u00a0initially that he did not see anything wrong with his actions\u2014and for good reason<\/em>. After administering corporal punishment to his son, Peterson texted this to the child\u2019s mother:<\/p>\n

Never do I go overboard! But all my kids will know, hey daddy has the biggie heart but don\u2019t play no games when it comes to acting right.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is exactly<\/em> what Focus on the family and other groups that advocate\u00a0corporal punishment promote\u2014the argue that a parent should\u00a0act from\u00a0a\u00a0heart full of love, but exercise\u00a0a firm hand when it comes to obedience and doing what is right. Is it any wonder that Peterson felt he had done nothing wrong? Many Americans were\u00a0outraged by pictures of Peterson\u2019s son\u2014and for good reason!\u2014but it makes absolutely no sense<\/em> to respond to this case\u00a0by stating\u00a0that\u00a0corporal punishment should\u00a0involve \u201ca firm and consistent hand\u201d and \u201ca soft and\u00a0loving heart.\u201d In Peterson\u2019s case,\u00a0it did<\/em>. A\u00a0parent can have \u201ca firm and consistent hand\u201d and \u201ca soft and loving heart\u201d and\u00a0still<\/em>\u00a0abuse their children.<\/p>\n

Before I go on, a few words of background. My parents used corporal punishment and did everything \u201cright,\u201d but my experience was nevertheless negative. Today I practice positive parenting and gentle discipline with my own children. Based on my experiences and a wide array of research, I would like to see corporal punishment phased out. I consider all forms of corporal punishment ethically wrong,\u00a0though it\u2019s worth noting that I do understand that not all are\u00a0equally harmful. Slapping\u00a0a child on their clothed bottom in an attempt to make a point is not the same thing as\u00a0striking a child with an object and leaving\u00a0bruises or welts. I dislike the term \u201cspanking\u201d because it erases these sorts of distinctions and everyone seems to define it differently.\u00a0Finally, to avoid confusion\u00a0I tend to adhere to the guidelines\u00a0generally followed by social services<\/a> and reserve the label \u201cabuse\u201d for corporal punishment that\u00a0causes bodily\u00a0injury (i.e. bruises, welts, and worse). That is the definition I will be using throughout this post.<\/p>\n

My concerns with Pingleton\u2019s article are twofold. First, Pingleton others child abusers to the extent that he makes it impossible to consider that seemingly normal, loving people could be child abusers. The reality is that child abusers often get away with their actions because they can fool those around them into seeing them as kind, loving people who would never harm their children and thus can\u2019t be child abusers. Second, Pingleton reinforces the many justifications child abusers use to defend their actions. Child abusers are rarely malicious or sadistic. More often, they believe that they are just trying to do right by their children, and that pain is how children learn. Yes, Pingleton condemns child abuse, but he seems to lack any understanding\u00a0of the dynamics of abuse. If he actually understood these dynamics,\u00a0he would see that his words also serve to make abusers invisible and reinforce their\u00a0justifications.<\/p>\n

Here is an example of how Pingleton others child abusers:<\/p>\n

There is a giant chasm between a mild spanking properly administered out of love and an out-of-control adult venting their emotions by physically abusing a child.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

In creating this dichotomy between abusive and nonabusive parents, Pingleton is clearly putting Adrian Peterson\u2019s actions in the \u201cout of control adult venting their emotions by physically abusing a child\u201d category. But there has been no indication that Peterson\u00a0was out of control (i.e. that Peterson\u00a0was not in careful control of his actions the entire time)\u00a0or\u00a0that he was venting his emotions (Peterson\u00a0has been clear that the punishment was administered to teach his child to not shove other children). Pingleton is trying to shove Adrian Peterson into a child abuse box he has fashioned many sizes too small, because he doesn\u2019t understand who child abusers are or how they operate.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The reality is that there\u00a0is no \u201cchasm\u201d\u00a0between\u00a0\u201cmild spanking properly administered out of love\u201d and \u201can out-of-control adult venting their emotions by physically abusing a child.\u201d Instead, there is\u00a0a sliding scale. There is also no clear and obvious line between a \u201cspanking\u201d and a \u201cbeating.\u201d This is what corporal punishment advocates like Pingleton miss. Adrian Peterson was not on one side of this scale or the other\u2014he was somewhere in between. Different people put the line between acceptable parental behavior and abuse at different points on that line, as is made obvious by the fact that some Americans have defended Peterson\u2019s actions as not abusive. This idea that there is a \u201cchasm\u201d between reasonable discipline and child abuse is nonsense.<\/p>\n

We often have this caricature\u00a0of a child abuser in our mind\u2014out of control, angry\u2014and while some abusers do fit that profile others\u00a0do not.<\/em> But when we believe\u00a0abusers look like this caricature\u00a0we have created, we create a situation where Adrian Peterson can still insist that he is not a child abuser\u2014because he does not look like that<\/em>. But the reality is that child abusers often don\u2019t look like that at all. In fact, sometimes they look like this:<\/p>\n

\"adrian-peterson-son-at-training-camp-9\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This idea that child abusers are some sort of monsters and that normal, loving people do not abuse their children\u00a0a serious, serious<\/em> problem. It allows us to miss and overlook very real abuse because the perpetrators are nice<\/em>, and smile<\/em>, and say the right things<\/em>. The reality is that abusers are very good at fooling others and looking picture perfect, and if we don\u2019t understand that we will be likely to brush warning signs under the rug when they do appear.<\/p>\n

Pingleton goes on:<\/p>\n

It is vital, however, that spanking be administered within proper guidelines. The reports about the punishment meted out by Peterson to his son, and the consequent injuries his son suffered, indicate his behavior on that occasion was far outside those boundaries.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

If this is what he wants to argue, Pingleton needs to drop his whole \u201cwe won\u2019t go wrong if we exercise a firm and consistent hand with a soft and loving heart\u201d schtick, because Peterson followed that short line of advice and did<\/em> go wrong.\u00a0Does Pingleton seriously think that parents who abuse their children don\u2019t<\/em> believe in being firm and consistent and administering discipline out of love? Does he not know that most parents who abuse their children say things like \u201cthis is for your own good\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m only doing this because I love you\u201d? Is he unaware that child abusers say things like \u201cchildren need a firm hand\u201d and \u201cwe have to be consistent\u201d?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad that Pingleton recognizes that Adrian Peterson abused his child, but I\u2019m troubled by his total\u00a0lack of understanding of why<\/em> it happened. He seems completely\u00a0unaware that what he thinks is a caution against abuse\u2014\u201cwe won\u2019t go wrong if we exercise a firm and consistent hand with a soft and loving heart\u201d\u2014is in fact the very argument Peterson used to insist\u00a0that there was nothing wrong with what he did<\/em> when he left his son with open lacerations. If Pingleton wants to protect children from being abused, he needs to stop makin<\/em><\/span>g\u00a0abuse-enabling statements like that<\/em>.<\/p>\n

That Pingleton has no understanding of\u00a0the dynamics of abuse is bizarre\u00a0given that he is the director of Focus on the Family\u2019s counseling program.<\/p>\n

Pingleton goes on to give some guidelines for appropriate corporal punishment. He says that it should only be used in \u201ccases of willful disobedience or defiance of authority,\u201d and that \u201ca child should always receive a clear warning\u201d first and understand why they are being punished. The punishment should take place in a private area and should be \u201clovingly administered\u201d and should not involve \u201cthe potential to cause physical harm.\u201d Afterwards, the child should be told once again why they were\u00a0punished, to ensure that they understand and have learned the intended lesson.<\/p>\n

From what I have read, it appears that the only point where Peterson did not follow Pingleton\u2019s advice was in causing physical harm\u2014the open lacerations. But once again, the line here is less obvious that Peterson thinks. My own mother carefully followed the guidelines Pingleton laid out, but she did on very rare occasions leave bruises or welts, and on one occasion she drew blood with a switch. She never meant<\/em>\u00a0to leave bruises or welts, and certainly never intended to draw blood that one time. But when you\u2019re hitting your child\u2019s soft, bare bottom with a wooden paddle or a switch cut from a tree (my mother used both), it\u2019s harder to make sure you don\u2019t leave bruises, welts, or cuts\u00a0than one might think. And as Peterson has said many times, he never intended<\/em> to leave open lacerations\u2014he did not realize that the switch he used would do that much damage to his son\u2019s skin.<\/p>\n

What I\u2019m trying to point out is that while Pingleton thinks he is drawing an obvious and simple line between abuse and appropriate discipline, the line he is drawing is not nearly as obvious or clear as he thinks. A parent following Pinkerton\u2019s guidelines for administering corporal punishment can leave marks on a child completely unintentionally. After all, striking a child naturally involves some risk of harm. Lydia Schatz\u2019s parents used a plastic switch to administer corporal punishment.<\/a>\u00a0This switch\u00a0broke down the girl\u2019s\u00a0muscle tissue, and when fragments of muscle tissue entered her bloodstream it caused liver failure. Lydia\u2019s parents never intended for this to happen and in fact had no idea it could<\/em> happen, but Lydia still died.<\/p>\n

Later on in his article, Pingleton makes it very clear that corporal punishment should hurt. After explaining\u00a0that parents have a responsibility to\u00a0discipline their children, Pingleton quotes from the Bible:<\/p>\n

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful. Later on however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11)<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Pingleton argues that teaching children right from wrong\u00a0should<\/em>\u00a0hurt\u2014even that it\u00a0must<\/em>\u00a0hurt\u2014but that it\u2019s for the child\u2019s own good and will yield longterm fruits.\u00a0This idea that discipline\u00a0has to hurt, but will pay off in the long run\u2014this was also<\/em>\u00a0part of Adrian Peterson\u2019s justification for his actions. Whether Pingleton realizes this or not (and given his understanding of the dynamics of abuse it is likely that he does not),\u00a0this is yet another\u00a0argument commonly used by abusers\u2014what they\u2019re doing should hurt, they say, because that\u2019s the only way the child will learn their lesson.<\/p>\n

In his texts to his son\u2019s mother, Peterson\u00a0explained\u00a0that the reason he went on for so long was that the child did not cry. He took that as an indication that he wasn\u2019t hitting hard enough to get the message across\u2014because getting the message across had to involve pain<\/em>. Because of his belief that correcting his child\u2019s actions must involve pain, Peterson denied that\u00a0he had done anything wrong.<\/p>\n

Pingleton ends his article with this paragraph:<\/p>\n

\n

Parenting is a hard job. None of us do it perfectly. And to make it even more challenging, none of our kids come with an instruction manual attached. But our children need us to do it to the best of our ability, with all the wisdom, love, gentleness and strength we can muster. We won\u2019t go wrong if we exercise a firm and consistent hand with a soft and loving heart.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Pingleton finishes with\u00a0the same sentence with which he began. He clearly wants to emphasize it. Pingleton says over and over again that abuse is a tragedy and is wrong, wrong, wrong<\/em>, but he does not seem to\u00a0recognize that his own words are inadvertently reinforcing\u00a0child abusers\u2019 justifications\u00a0for\u00a0their actions. Does he not realize that child abusers say things like \u201cI\u2019m only trying to make them\u00a0a\u00a0better person<\/em>\u201c? How is he unaware that child abusers say things like \u201cpain is how children learn<\/em>\u201c?<\/p>\n

Ultimately, this is one of my biggest problem with the arguments made by advocates of corporal punishment. Most of their arguments in favor of corporal punishments are the same arguments used by child abusers to justify their abuse. Their only caution against abuse appears to be clarifying that corporal punishment should be administered out of love rather than anger, but this plays into incorrect stereotypes about what child abuse looks like and is less helpful than they seem to think. Suggesting that parents use their own judgement to make sure they don\u2019t go to far is equally unhelpful. Most child abusers tell their children they are doing this because they love them, and most would deny that they\u2019ve gone too far, or that they ever intend to harm their children.<\/p>\n

How can Pingleton not see how his own words can be used to justify not only corporal punishment he considers appropriate\u00a0but also actual child abuse? How can he not see that child abusers are not all evil monsters venting their anger on their children,\u00a0and that suggesting that there is a huge \u201cchasm\u201d between child abusers\u00a0and other parents serves to keep\u00a0parents from self reflection and prevent people from seeing child abuse right in front of their eyes?\u00a0How can he be Focus on the Family\u2019s head of counseling and not see this?<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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In his article, Pingleton makes a case for corporal punishment while clearly calling Peterson's actions abuse.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/09\/failing-to-understand-the-dynamics-of-abuse-focus-on-the-family-on-adrian-peterson-and-corporal-punishment.html","og_site_name":"Love, Joy, Feminism","article_published_time":"2014-09-17T19:35:29+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-09-18T01:40:05+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/wp.production.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/files\/2014\/09\/adrian-peterson-son-at-training-camp-9.jpg"}],"author":"Libby Anne","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Libby Anne","Est. reading time":"12 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/09\/failing-to-understand-the-dynamics-of-abuse-focus-on-the-family-on-adrian-peterson-and-corporal-punishment.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2014\/09\/failing-to-understand-the-dynamics-of-abuse-focus-on-the-family-on-adrian-peterson-and-corporal-punishment.html","name":"Failing to Understand the Dynamics of Abuse: Focus on the Family on Adrian Peterson and Corporal Punishment","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website"},"datePublished":"2014-09-17T19:35:29+00:00","dateModified":"2014-09-18T01:40:05+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2"},"description":"Yesterday, Time Magazine's parenting section featured an article by Focus on the Family's Jered Pingleton. 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College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. 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