Dear Libby<\/p>\n
I have a situation that I thought you may be able to help me with. \u00a0I\u2019m a liberal Christian whose brand of faith has more to do with living out Jesus\u2019 example of love than anything else \u2014 I tend to identify more with Quakers than most denominations I\u2019ve run across, but the absence of a meetinghouse in my area has kept me from becoming more involved.<\/p>\n
I have a dearly, dearly beloved aunt who, over the years, has become increasingly fundamentalist in her political and religious views. \u00a0Her family is rather hard to categorize \u2014 they\u2019re very right-wing politically, involved in the Christian homeschool movement, and tend to espouse the \u201cpackage deal\u201d view of Christianity you\u2019ve discussed where political views different from theirs mean someone is doing Christianity wrong. However, they left a Baptist congregation because the emphasis on Christian Patriarchy was making their daughters bitter and, while there are several Quiverfull families at their current group home church, they personally aren\u2019t followers.<\/p>\n
In order to keep the peace and preserve my relationship with my aunt, I have never shared my actual religious and political views \u2014 she knows that I\u2019m Christian and so assumes that we\u2019re on the same page, and to avoid argument I have simply worn my Conservative Hat during visits rather than correct her. \u00a0As a result my aunt and uncle have held me up to my cousins as a role model for what a Christian young adult should be.<\/p>\n
Now that the kids are spending so much time socializing with Quiverfull families, I\u2019m concerned that they\u2019ll have no one to go to with questions or doubts as they get older. \u00a0I worry that misrepresenting myself with my aunt is giving them a false idea of how attainable their idea of a good Christian young woman is \u2014 they don\u2019t know that I lost my virginity at seventeen, for example, or that I\u2019ve taken emergency contraception, or that I\u2019m pro-choice, or that I\u2019m currently sleeping with my best friend, or that I fail to feel guilty about any of these things. \u00a0They don\u2019t know that I\u2019m politically one of the heathen liberals their congregation abhors. \u00a0I want my cousins to know that there are multiple ways to be Christian, not just their parents\u2019.<\/p>\n
I want them to feel like they can talk to me if they have doubts. \u00a0Mostly, I want them to know that I\u2019ll love them and be there for them no matter what they do or how \u201cChristian\u201d their behavior is. \u00a0But I don\u2019t know how to do that without at best undercutting their parents or at worst truly damaging my relationship with my aunt.<\/p>\n
Is there anything I can do or say to conduct myself as a more honest role model for my cousins? \u00a0I\u2019m quite content to let my aunt continue to think that I\u2019m right on the Christian fundamentalist spectrum with her, but my cousins listening and watching complicates things. \u00a0They\u2019re great kids and I want to do right by them. \u00a0Any suggestions? \u00a0Or in the end is it not my concern?<\/p>\n
Thanks,<\/p>\n
Kaitlin<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
I understand Kaitlin\u2019s concern because it\u2019s one i myself face. My siblings know that I have left many of my parents\u2019 beliefs, but they don\u2019t know that I have left religion entirely. They don\u2019t know that I support LGBTQ rights. They don\u2019t know that I am pro-choice. I worry that if one of my siblings were to question God\u2019s existence, or to be gay, bisexual, or transgender, or to become pregnant out of wedlock, they wouldn\u2019t know that they could come to me and find acceptance.<\/p>\n
In my case, though, I think the fact that my siblings have seen me go against my parents and form my own views in at least some areas will be enough. While they might not know, for instance, that I am pro-LGBTQ rights, they would probably know that of everyone in the family I would be the most likely to accept them regardless of who they are.<\/p>\n
Here is the advice I would offer Kaitlin:<\/p>\n
1. Don\u2019t be a complete <\/em>pushover<\/strong><\/p>\n
I understand you putting on your conservative hat around your aunt. I often do the same sort of thing myself. However, if your cousins see you as a pushover, simply affirming whatever your aunt says and bending over backwards to agree with her in everything, that won\u2019t help them if ever reach the point where they feel the need to stand up against your aunt and forge a different path. I guess what I\u2019m saying is that there has to be a balance here.<\/p>\n
2. Don\u2019t hedge around your cousins<\/strong><\/p>\n
When you\u2019re alone with your cousins, don\u2019t be afraid to tell them if you disagree on something. Don\u2019t make it a big deal of it, just state it as a matter of course. For example, if one of my younger sisters says something to me about her being under our father\u2019s authority, or about college maybe not being important for girls, I simply state that I disagree and leave it at that. If she wants to ask more questions, I\u2019ll answer them, but once again, simply stating things concisely and non-judgmentally. You\u2019re not saying \u201cI think your mother is wrong\u201d but rather \u201cI have my own thoughts.\u201d Though those may be technically the same, they come across very differently.<\/p>\n
3. Be strong and self-confident<\/strong><\/p>\n
Model what you want your cousins to see and emulate. Be confident. If you\u2019re college, be driven and purposeful. If you have a job, do it well. The goal is for your cousins to see your life \u2013 as an independent woman who forms her own thoughts \u2013 as something that is familiar, possible, and attainable rather than foreign, ungodly, and distant. If they see you being happy and confident living your own life, that will normalize the idea. You\u2019re not saying \u201cyou have to be like me\u201d but rather \u201cit\u2019s possible to be a good person and live different lifestyle from the one you\u2019re being raised in.\u201d This opens the door and makes leaving and living differently seem like an actual option.<\/p>\n
4. Be always willing to listen<\/strong><\/p>\n
Don\u2019t judge your cousins. Listen. State simply and without judgement that you disagree with them if it seems appropriate, but don\u2019t judge. (In other words, listening without judging does not mean simply agreeing with everything that comes out of their mouths, even if it is in your opinion completely crazy.) Always show them openness and your willingness to be a confidant and friend. That way, if they start to have questions, or run into conflict with your aunt, they will see you as someone they can turn to.<\/p>\n
Conclusion<\/strong><\/p>\n
I\u2019m no expert on this, I\u2019m just trying to speak from my own experience. I hope my thoughts help, and I wish you and your cousins the best. I\u2019d also like to open the floor to suggestions from my readers. You guys can be really insightful, and many of you have been in the place of Kaitlin\u2019s cousins, so please speak up and add to what I\u2019ve said!<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Libby I have a situation that I thought you may be able to help me with. \u00a0I\u2019m a liberal Christian whose brand of faith has more to do with living out Jesus\u2019 example of love than anything else \u2014 I tend to identify more with Quakers than most denominations I\u2019ve run across, but the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,25,57],"tags":[129],"class_list":["post-2362","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-christian-patriarchy","category-quiverfull","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\n
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