{"id":25082,"date":"2015-03-10T05:00:30","date_gmt":"2015-03-10T09:00:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=25082"},"modified":"2015-03-09T11:52:43","modified_gmt":"2015-03-09T15:52:43","slug":"stop-saying-kids-arent-expensive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2015\/03\/stop-saying-kids-arent-expensive.html","title":{"rendered":"Stop Saying Kids Aren’t Expensive!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Ladies Against Feminism recently posted a piece titled\u00a0Kids Aren\u2019t Expensive But Greed Is<\/a>. When I saw the title, I was reminded of my parents\u2019 constant insistence that children aren\u2019t expensive<\/em>. I honestly do not understand why people make this argument. They could<\/em>\u00a0argue that while it costs money to raise kids, kids are worth every cent. They could<\/em>\u00a0argue that raising children creates memories, moments, and relationships that more than compensate for the financial drain they represent. But no<\/em>, instead they\u2019re arguing that kids aren\u2019t expensive<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But when I read the article itself, written by a mommy blogger named Anna, I found that she understand that raising children does<\/em> cost money. Let me quote\u00a0a\u00a0relevant\u00a0excerpt from her article and then respond to her main points.<\/p>\n

My husband and I have always wanted a lot of kids. (Of course, \u201ca lot\u201d is a relative term, depending what your social circles look like, but for the purpose of this post, we\u2019re going to call \u201ca lot\u201d more than 3. Ha.) Over the last 6 years, when we\u2019ve made our feelings known, we\u2019ve often been met with one particular phrase: Kids are so expensive!!<\/p>\n

Well, on the one hand, I suppose they are. Depending on your particular situation \u2013 medical bills, dental care, school tuition, etc. all definitely add up. So I\u2019m not trying to be flippant with what I\u2019m about to say, but I do think it\u2019s an important distinction to be made when one is saying how \u201cexpensive\u201d children are.<\/p>\n

Kids aren\u2019t expensive. Greed is.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Kids don\u2019t \u201cneed\u201d designer clothes, Etsy outfits, brand new everything, more shoes than they can wear before they grow out of them, and 8 thousand of whatever the latest toy craze is. (I believe it\u2019s currently Shopkins, but I might be a week behind the times. It\u2019s so hard to keep up.) Kids don\u2019t need a play room full of more toys than they know what to do with. (I\u2019ll go one step further with this one. They don\u2019t even want it. It\u2019s stressful and overwhelming for them. But anyways.) Kids don\u2019t \u201cneed\u201d to be signed up for a different so-called enrichment class every night of the week. They need sunshine, fresh air, freedom to move, and space to create.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

While Anna titled her article \u201cKids Aren\u2019t Expensive But Greed Is,\u201d she states here that there are legitimate costs that add up and claims she\u2019s not trying to be flippant. Sorry, Anna, but if you understand that for many many many families children really legitimately are expensive, titling your article \u201cKids Aren\u2019t Expensive But Greed Is\u201d is incredibly<\/em> flippant. Your title\u00a0suggests that people who decide not to have more children for actual for real financial reasons (which you admit are a thing) are just being greedy. Nope. Sorry. They\u2019re not.<\/p>\n

When people say kids are expensive they say this because it is true. They\u2019re not saying it to be mean. Look, I have two kids. This year,\u00a0I will pay a total $10,000 in daycare costs\u2014and that\u2019s only for my son. Before my daughter started kindergarten, when they were both in daycare, it was nearly twice that. Now yes, I could be a stay-at-home mom, but to do so I would have to sacrifice my income. Even once a child is in school, there\u2019s before or after school care depending on the parents\u2019 work schedule, and there\u2019s summer care as well. In other words, childcare costs don\u2019t disappear once a kid starts school. And then there is healthcare and dental care.<\/p>\n

While we can talk about what material things a kid actually needs or should have, deciding not to buy Etsy outfits or Shopkins will not change the fact that children are expensive. While we haven\u2019t decided for sure\u00a0yet, there\u2019s some chance my husband and I will have a third child at some point. Having a third child would involve paying for\u00a0five years of childcare, to a collected total of\u00a0about $50,000. If we do have a third child, it will because we believe adding to our family is worth that price\u2014but don\u2019t tell me\u00a0that I don\u2019t have to buy my kid Etsy clothes as though that\u2019s what makes kids expensive. It\u2019s not.<\/p>\n

Look, kids are expensive<\/em>. They are always always always<\/em> expensive. Even if you just look at childcare and medical and dental care, they are expensive<\/em>. And frankly, those things are the biggest expenses! It\u2019s not the Etsy outfit or the enrichment class that\u2019s going to cost you $200 per child per week, it\u2019s childcare<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Once we admit that yes, kids are expensive, we can talk about all the other stuff\u2014the Etsy outfit and the enrichment classes and all the rest. It\u2019s true that these things are optional. It\u2019s true that we often buy children more stuff than they need, and that what children need most (beyond the basic necessities of course) is love, attention, and room to exercise their imaginations. I agree that we as parents can sometimes try to buy our children\u2019s love when what they really need is our time<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I reject the idea that the desire to buy cute outfits or enroll your child in a dance class is\u00a0of necessity motivated by greed. I reject the idea that it is greed<\/em> that leads people\u00a0to limit their\u00a0family size to ensure that their\u00a0children\u00a0can have piano lessons and go to science camp and visit art museums. This is baloney. The desire to give our children nice things and a fulfilling childhood\u2014the desire to equip our children with tools for their future\u2014these things need not be motivated by greed.<\/p>\n

I also really really really<\/em> dislike this argument that it is greedy or selfish to decide\u00a0to say you can\u2019t afford more children if you could afford more children\u00a0if you cut back on things like piano lessons or ballet.\u00a0It\u2019s true that children can be more or less expensive depending on your lifestyle. Kids will be a lot more expensive if you send them\u00a0to private school, for instance. But I also think it\u2019s up to the individual to decide what sort of life they want to give their children, and to factor that into how many children they have.<\/p>\n

When considering whether to have a third child, I have to factor in both the costs and the benefits. And yes, if I have a third child, I want that child to be able to take piano lessons and gymnastic classes, and so forth. It\u2019s not that I want my child in every<\/em> activity\u2014I don\u2019t!\u2014but I do want my children to have some of these experiences. So when I factor in the costs,\u00a0that includes these things as well. I have to decide whether having a third child is worth what it would cost to raise that child the way I would want it to be raised. And of course, it\u2019s childcare, medical, and dental that are\u00a0by far<\/em> the greatest\u00a0expense.<\/p>\n

I suspect that Anna feels judged by the people who who balk when they find out that she wants more children than average. \u201cChildren are so expensive!\u201d they tell her. I wish that, instead of responding with \u201cchildren aren\u2019t expensive but greed is,\u201d she would respond by saying \u201cyes, but for me they\u2019re more than worth it.\u201d\u00a0Children are<\/em> expensive, and wanting your children to have opportunities is not greed. It should be possible to admit both of these things\u00a0while at the same time\u00a0deciding, for yourself, to have a larger than average family.<\/p>\n

Will we ever stop judging each other for how many children we choose (or choose not to) have? Why do so many parents (and non-parents!)\u00a0feel so strongly the need to judge other parents\u2019 decisions on family size?<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I suspect that Anna feels judged by the people who who balk when they find out that she wants more children than average. “Children are so expensive!” they tell her. I wish that, instead of responding with “children aren’t expensive but greed is,” she would respond by saying “yes, but for me they’re more than worth it.” Children are expensive, and wanting your children to have opportunities is not greed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[24,501],"class_list":["post-25082","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","tag-children","tag-expensive"],"yoast_head":"\nStop Saying Kids Aren't Expensive!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I suspect that Anna feels judged by the people who who balk when they find out that she wants more children than average. 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