I critiqued the article<\/a> by pointing out that while I am a mother, I have also been a child\u2014and for\u00a0whatever reason, I haven\u2019t forgotten what it was like to be a child. As a result, I am just as likely to feel a common bond and empathy for children as for their mothers. I noted how difficult childhood is and queried why we as a society don\u2019t have greater empathy for children.<\/p>\nSome of my readers pointed out that there was another issue that I left unaddressed\u2014an issue I will call \u201cthe mommy myth.\u201d In her article, Denise focused on a common bond among mothers, born out of their affection for their children. In her title, she called this \u201cthe strongest bond.\u201d This idea is not new. It\u2019s very common in our society today to place mothers on a pedestal. Of course, this pedestal\u00a0is often limited to white, married women, and it doesn\u2019t come with things\u00a0like paid maternity leave or social security benefits for stay-at-home mothers. But still, the rhetoric is strong.<\/p>\n
There are several problems with the mommy myth.<\/p>\n
First, it leaves out children\u2019s other caregivers and assumes that mothers bond with their children in a way no other individuals do, including fathers. But of course, this isn\u2019t just about fathers\u2014there are also aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, daycare workers, and other adults who befriend children.\u00a0I reject the idea that\u00a0fathers are less capable of bonding with their children than are mothers. Of course,\u00a0I also don\u2019t think\u00a0parenthood is necessary to developing either strong affection or deep empathy for a child.<\/p>\n
Second, the mommy myth assumes that all mothers are good, caring, and loving. It assumes that giving birth to a child changes a woman so completely that she can\u2019t do other than love her child. This is false. There are plenty of mothers out there who don\u2019t love their children, and mothers who abuse or neglect their children. Being a mother does not magically make a woman a good caregiver<\/strong>. As long as we hold this assumption that motherhood somehow bestows goodness, we will be unable to recognize or take proper protections against maternal abuse and neglect.<\/p>\nI say all of this as a mother myself. I love my children so much it hurts<\/em>. But at the same time, I don\u2019t think my love for them is any more powerful than (or even all that different from) the love my husband feels for them. And then, of course, my children have aunts, uncles, grandparents, childcare providers, and teachers in their lives\u2014and other adults as well. While the amount of affection and attachment each of these individuals feel toward my children may vary, I refuse to\u00a0use my bond with my children to downplay the bonds other adults form with them. Indeed, I am extremely grateful\u00a0for the large number of adults who\u00a0invest in my children and come alongside my husband and I\u00a0to love and treasure them.<\/p>\nWhere does the mommy\u00a0myth come from? Two places come to mind.<\/p>\n
We live in a society that rejects the idea that it takes \u201ca village\u201d to raise a child. We elevate parents as special, as uniquely capable of loving and investing in children. As we do so, we devalue the role played by teachers and other caregivers, and the role played by aunts, uncles, grandparents, and other family members.\u00a0This idea that parents should (or do) go it alone in raising children is a problem. Parents need support\u2014and children need multiple adults investing in their lives.<\/p>\n
And then, of course, is the patriarchal idea that women\u2019s primary role and purpose in life is that of mother. The result is a devaluing of women who do not have children.\u00a0And, because women are assumed to be natural nurturers and caregivers while men are assumed to be natural protectors and providers, the result, too, is a devaluing of the love fathers\u00a0have for their children. This idea is a problem both because it devalues fathers\u2019 investment in their children and because it places mothers on a pedestal that renders their actions unquestionable\u2014because we know that all mothers love their children, right?<\/p>\n
Okay, story time. I once fell down a flight of stone steps with Bobby on my shoulders. During the fall I\u00a0somehow moved Bobby from my shoulders to a protective space within my arms; this was instinctive rather than thought through. After the fall Bobby was fine, though slightly frightened. In contrast,\u00a0I skinned\u00a0my knees and elbows so badly that blood was trickling down my legs and dripping from my arms. I have in the past attributed my instinctive protection of Bobby at my own expense to a sort of \u201cmommy spidey sense,\u201d but now that I think about it\u00a0I\u2019m pretty sure my husband\u2019s instincts would have been the same\u2014and I suspect the same is true of many (if not most) of the other adults in my son\u2019s life as well.<\/p>\n
What about the science? Many studies of maternal instinct\u00a0fail to\u00a0also study other adults in a child\u2019s life. How this oversight is not obvious I have no idea. Of course<\/em> a mother would react more strongly to seeing her own infant upset than to seeing another infant upset<\/a>\u2014I would suspect the same to be true of an aunt and niece or nephew, and a grandparent and grandchild, and so forth. A recent study<\/a> found\u00a0that \u201cthe ability of a parent to identify their child\u2019s cry was determined by the amount of time they spend with the baby, not by their gender\u201d\u2014but of course, this study, too, failed to\u00a0include a child\u2019s other caregivers.<\/p>\nThe mommy myth is harmful a number of levels. It devalues the critical\u00a0role other adults play in children\u2019s lives, treats\u00a0the love of a mother as greater or more important than\u00a0the love of a father, and makes it harder for us, as a society, to recognize or deal with\u00a0abusive and neglectful mothers. We need to stop placing mothers on a pedestal. Mothers don\u2019t need deification, they need community support and accountability.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s time we laid the mommy\u00a0myth aside.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The mommy myth is harmful a number of levels. It devalues the important (nay, critical) role of other adults in children’s lives, treats the love of a mother as more important than the love of a father, and makes it harder for us, as a society, to recognize or deal with abusive and neglectful mothers. We need to stop placing mothers on a pedestal. Mothers don’t need deification, they need community support and accountability.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,108],"tags":[123],"class_list":["post-25103","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-parenting","tag-motherhood"],"yoast_head":"\n
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