{"id":25154,"date":"2015-03-21T09:14:28","date_gmt":"2015-03-21T13:14:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=25154"},"modified":"2015-03-21T09:14:28","modified_gmt":"2015-03-21T13:14:28","slug":"i-co-sleep-but-some-thoughts-on-attachment-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2015\/03\/i-co-sleep-but-some-thoughts-on-attachment-parenting.html","title":{"rendered":"I Co-sleep, But: Some Thoughts on Attachment Parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u2019ve written before about\u00a0not feeling \u201ccrunchy\u201d enough<\/a> for my hippie college town. I\u2019m not sure, though, whether\u00a0I\u2019ve touched directly on Attachment Parenting (AP). I know I\u2019ve wanted to. When I first left the authoritarian parenting and corporal punishment behind, I found AP very attractive. What is AP<\/a>?<\/p>\n

Attachment parenting focuses on the nurturing connection that parents can develop with their children. That nurturing connection is viewed as the ideal way to raise secure, independent, and empathetic children. Proponents of this parenting philosophy include the well-known pediatrician William Sears, MD. They make the case that a secure, trusting attachment to parents during childhood forms the basis for secure relationships and independence as adults.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There are a lot of things I like about AP, including its emphasis on positive discipline and working with, rather than against, children\u2019s emotions and feelings. But as a mother of a very young child, some things about AP started to rub me wrong. Namely, the rules<\/em>\u2014which proponents will say are not rules per se, but sure feel like it.<\/p>\n

Proponents of AP\u00a0emphasize the importance of skin-to-skin contact between parent\u00a0and child,\u00a0which translates into constant baby-wearing, longterm breastfeeding, and regular co-sleeping. Proponents of AP also advise against daycare, arguing that children need their parents to be constantly present.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had AP proponents tell me that these things are just suggestions, and that what\u2019s important is the general principles. But even if that were true (and if you read Dr. Sears, it\u2019s pretty clearly not), I\u2019m not sure all of the principles<\/em> are actually good. Both parents and children need space, and time away from each other. I\u2019ve seen AP drive new moms to utter desperation\u2014they need time off, or permission to let their baby cry it out just once, but they\u2019re read AP literature and are terrified of leaving\u00a0lifelong insecurities in their child.<\/p>\n

I was exploring AP about the time I put Sally in daycare for the first time, at around a year.\u00a0I had already been nervous about putting Sally in daycare. I had been raised by a stay-at-home mom who spoke of putting a child in daycare as child abandonment. Having AP confirm this fear was not at all helpful, and actually, it\u2019s the reason\u00a0I first began to feel disillusioned with\u00a0AP.<\/p>\n

I realize that this is anecdotal, but daycare didn\u2019t damage\u00a0my close, nurturing relationship with Sally. I\u2019ve had my son Bobby in daycare from six months on, and it hasn\u2019t damaged my relationship with him, either. I don\u2019t feel that daycare has been second best for either<\/em> of my children. A year or two ago,\u00a0Sean told me that\u00a0if we have a third child and could technically work from home he would want that child to go to daycare anyway because of the good he had seen it do Sally, Bobby, and ourselves. I\u2019m not saying daycare is necessarily best for every family and every child\u2014but that\u2019s the point, isn\u2019t it? AP makes a declaration\u2014that daycare is second best\u2014and assumes that it is universally true, when it\u2019s not.<\/p>\n

Another sticking point with AP was co-sleeping. I have personal space issues and needed a place that was just mine<\/em>. While I would often (carefully) take my babies\u00a0into bed with me when breastfeeding, I transitioned them to a crib in another room as quickly as possible. Having both children in bed with me sounded suffocating, and I felt like AP undervalued my own needs as a person.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, I found Attachment Parenting unhelpful because it struck too close to home. I grew up in a patriarchal home where I was taught that my role, as a woman, was to be a wife and mother. Raising children was held up as the most important role of a woman, and a good mother was one who sacrificed and gave until she had nothing left of herself. While AP is ostensibly\u00a0less gendered, I needed permission to not always put my children\u2019s needs above my own, and confirmation that my children wouldn\u2019t be ruined if I had a career and put them in daycare, and\u00a0AP gave me neither.<\/p>\n

By now you may be wondering about the title\u2014didn\u2019t I say I co-sleep? Yes, I did\u2014and I do.\u00a0I\u2019m not against specific aspects of AP\u2014co-sleeping, longterm breastfeeding, constant\u00a0baby-wearing, being a full-time caregiver\u2014when they work for a family. In our case, our bedtime routine broke down around the time Bobby grew out of his crib, and co-sleeping turned out to be our ultimate salvation. And with\u00a0enough\u00a0mattresses to create a\u00a0bed half again as big as a queen, I\u2019m able to move to the other side of the bed and find space if I feel hemmed in.<\/p>\n

And yet,\u00a0when people find out we co-sleep, I feel like I have to add a \u201cbut.\u201d Yes, we\u00a0co-sleep\u2014but only because that is what works best for us<\/em>. Perhaps this isn\u2019t necessarily, but in a parenting world increasingly familiar with an Attachment Parenting\u00a0that treats separate beds, or daycare, or bouncer seats as second best, I want to make sure people know I am on Team What Works rather than Team Super Parent.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

One of the biggest problems I have with AP is the way it undervalues parents\u2019<\/em> needs. In many ways, I see childrearing\u00a0as a constant balance between the parent and the child. Parents who expect instantaneous and unquestioning obedience are putting their needs above their children\u2019s needs\u2014but it can go the other way, too, when parents believe they have to do everything<\/em> for their child and put their child\u2019s needs above their own. Yes, children have needs that have to be met\u2014but parents have needs too<\/em>.\u00a0Why is this so rarely recognized?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve hinted at this already, but another problem I have with AP is that it rarely recognizes that what works for one family might not work for another. One parent may love constant baby-wearing, but another may simply need to put her baby down. One mother may breastfeed her two-year-old while another finds the very idea of breastfeeding invasive and opts to formula feed. When Sally was born, the doctor immediately put her slimy body on my bare chest, as recommended by the\u00a0literature\u2014it\u2019s suppose to create this magical bonding experience. But it didn\u2019t. I felt nothing. All I felt was relief that labor was over\u2014and could they please take the baby away so that I could get some rest? It took me several weeks to bond with Sally. That doesn\u2019t make me wrong, or broken\u2014it makes me different<\/em>.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re reading this as a proponent of AP yourself, please try to understand where I\u2019m coming from here. If you co-sleep, breastfeed your two-year-old, and love your Maya Wrap, that\u2019s great! I\u2019m not saying any of those things are wrong. I breastfed my first until she was two-and-a-half myself, and loved it. You may feel like I\u2019ve got AP wrong, that it\u2019s not supposed to be about judgement, but please understand that presenting things like formula feeding, or having separate bedrooms, or daycare as second best\u00a0will of necessity create\u00a0a hierarchy and make parents who can\u2019t meet that standard feel judged.<\/p>\n

Dr. Sears, who is widely known as the founder of AP, says\u00a0he\u2019s never seen a child raised on AP go wrong<\/a>\u2014that children raised this way are\u00a0as a rule<\/em>\u00a0nicer, more compassionate, and on and on. I\u2019ve seen this sort of promise before\u2014from Michael Pearl. I am\u00a0not<\/em>\u00a0saying that I put their parenting teachings in the same category\u2014I most emphatically\u00a0do not<\/em>. It\u2019s just that I don\u2019t think these sorts of promises are\u00a0ever<\/em>\u00a0realistic. Children are wild cards, and while parents certainly have some influence they don\u2019t have the ability to definitively determine how their children turn out. Any time anyone makes this sort of promise,\u00a0I get red flags.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dr. Sears, who is widely known as the founder of AP, says he’s never seen a child raised on AP go wrong—that children raised this way are as a rule nicer, more compassionate, and on and on. I’ve seen this sort of promise before—from Michael Pearl. I am not saying that I put their parenting teachings in the same category—I most emphatically do not. It’s just that I don’t think these sorts of promises are ever realistic. Children are wild cards, and while parents certainly have some influence they don’t have the ability to definitively determine how their children turn out. Any time anyone makes this sort of promise, I get red flags. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[24],"class_list":["post-25154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","tag-children"],"yoast_head":"\nI Co-sleep, But: Some Thoughts on Attachment Parenting<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Dr. Sears, who is widely known as the founder of AP, says he's never seen a child raised on AP go wrong---that children raised this way are as a rule nicer, more compassionate, and on and on. I've seen this sort of promise before---from Michael Pearl. I am not saying that I put their parenting teachings in the same category---I most emphatically do not. It's just that I don't think these sorts of promises are ever realistic. 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