{"id":25157,"date":"2015-03-23T07:30:26","date_gmt":"2015-03-23T11:30:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=25157"},"modified":"2015-03-23T07:30:26","modified_gmt":"2015-03-23T11:30:26","slug":"the-radical-notion-that-children-can-have-anxiety-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2015\/03\/the-radical-notion-that-children-can-have-anxiety-too.html","title":{"rendered":"The Radical Notion that Children Can Have Anxiety Too<\/i>"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

By Samantha<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Originally posted on Defeating the Dragons<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

I was in a conversation a few days ago that has stayed with me, and I think what I noticed is important. A few moms brought up how their children respond to church services, and as a part of that discussion, one mother mentioned that her son said \u201cthe music gave him a stomach ache.\u201d Responses were along the lines of \u201cwell, no wonder, rock concerts in church aren\u2019t very restful.\u201d It seemed to me that they were chalking up this toddler\u2019s \u201cstomach ache\u201d to a general distaste with evangelical worship services, but when I heard the phrase\u00a0stomach ache<\/em>, instant red flags went up for me.<\/p>\n

As I\u00a0shared with you a little while ago<\/a>, I\u2019ve had problems with anxiety for most of my life, starting from when I was fairly young. I didn\u2019t know the word\u00a0anxiety<\/em>\u00a0described what I felt; what I did know was that \u201cworry\u201d and \u201canxiety\u201d\u2013 anything less than \u201crejoicing in the Lord always,\u201d really\u2013 was a sin. Anyway, when I heard that this child used the word \u201cstomach ache\u201d to try to explain how he felt, I instantly connected with it: my anxiety usually starts with shaky, nervous flutterings before escalating into full-blown clammy skin, heart palpitations, and, lastly,\u00a0nausea<\/em>. I didn\u2019t know how to communicate \u201cheart palpitations\u201d to my parents, though, so I almost always settled on \u201cstomach ache\u201d when I\u2019d experienced a trigger for too long and ended up nauseated.<\/p>\n

One of the things\u00a0guaranteed<\/em>\u00a0to set off an episode? Live drums and heavy bass. Which are heavily featured in modern church worship services. I have always skipped the music portion for this reason. But, it took me\u00a0twenty-five years<\/em>\u00a0to understand that the reason why I avoid loud rock\/pop music like the plague is my anxiety. I knew a lot of different people didn\u2019t enjoy concert-style worship, and I was happy my partner was willing to arrive late every Sunday because of that, but what I didn\u2019t know is that \u201cconcert style music makes me feel like my rib cage is about to burst open and my heart explode\u201d\u00a0isn\u2019t normal<\/em>. Most people don\u2019t want to lay down on the floor and cradle their head, or fantasize about shoving their head into a bucket of ice.<\/p>\n

I suggested to the mom that it might be a good idea to ask her son other questions geared toward figuring out if he was experiencing other anxiety-related symptoms\u2013 like \u201cdoes your chest hurt?\u201d or \u201cdo you feel hot or cold?\u201d or \u201cdoes your neck hurt?\u201d<\/p>\n

What has stuck with me about this particular conversation is the reaction I got: it had\u00a0never occurred<\/em>\u00a0to these moms to wonder if their kids might be struggling with anxiety\u2013 social anxiety or otherwise. These moms are wonderful, loving people. They adore their kids. They\u2019re responsible parents.<\/p>\n

And yet, \u201cmaybe he doesn\u2019t like XYZ because he has anxiety\u201d just wasn\u2019t an option they\u2019d considered.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t their fault. It\u2019s our culture\u2019s fault. A culture with two glaring problems:<\/p>\n

1) Mental illness is stigmatized, ignored, reviled\u2013 and so are the people who have it.
\n2) Children are expected to be in the default state of \u201ccheerful\u201d at all times.<\/p>\n

A little while ago I was able to meet up with one of my favorite bloggers, Libby Anne from\u00a0Love Joy Feminism<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em>She brought Sally and Bobby with her, and something that happened that day is seared into my brain. We were in a museum, and it was loud, and crowded, with people bumping into each other all day. Several of the exhibits were filled to the brim with bright colors, flashing lights, and a screen with a different video every few yards. To say that it was a \u201cstimulating environment\u201d would be an understatement.<\/p>\n

At one point, Sally (who was five years old at the time) was starting to spin up\u2013 anyone could recognize that she was heading toward a meltdown. But, suddenly, the most amazing thing happened. Sally turned to her mother and said \u201cI need to go sit down.\u201d And she did. She found an alcove\u2013 one of those darkened rooms that play short documentaries\u2013 and sat down on one of the benches and put her head in her lap. I studied her, and she was obviously focusing on breathing slowly, on calming herself down.<\/p>\n

I was \u2026 amazed. A\u00a0five year old<\/em>\u00a0had figured out something about herself that I still struggle with. She realized that she\u2019d become overstimulated, was getting tired and stressed, and she knew what to do to handle it. She knew it was the noise, the people, the press, the displays, and so she found an environment with the least amount of stimulation possible\u2013 somewhere dark and quiet. I stared at her with my mouth open, and turned toward Libby Anne and whispered \u201chow in the world did you\u00a0teach\u00a0<\/em>her that?\u00a0I\u00a0<\/em>don\u2019t know how to do this!\u201d<\/p>\n

~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n

One of the things I\u2019ve learned from Libby Anne is\u00a0the radical notion that children are people<\/em>. I wish that wasn\u2019t such a startling statement, but for our culture, it very much is. Our culture doesn\u2019t recognize the full humanity of our children. In fact, in order to be a good, responsible parent, many people think success comes when children are utterly controlled. Every single second of their lives is managed by us\u2013 including their emotional lives. Meltdowns, crankiness, sadness, melancholy, moodiness, anger, frustration, irritability\u2013 these things are strictly not allowed in \u201cwell-behaved\u201d children. Only\u00a0spoiled little brats<\/em>\u00a0have \u201cnegative\u201d emotions.<\/p>\n

Except we don\u2019t think the same thing of adults. Granted, none of\u00a0 us\u00a0enjoys<\/em>\u00a0it when our friends or co-workers are cranky, or irritated, or frustrated, but we make allowances for it because we understand what it\u2019s like to \u201cwake up on the wrong side of the bed.\u201d However, children don\u2019t get to be grumpy because things in their day have just\u00a0been going wrong<\/em>\u2013 not well-behaved children, at least.<\/p>\n

This is exacerbated in Christian culture. While we might think \u201cchildren are to be seen and not heard\u201d is an archaic phrase, Christians still tend to operate by that,especially<\/em>\u00a0when it comes to the emotional spectrum. Children are to be joyful. Children are to be peaceful. Children are to be pleasant. Children are to be polite. When they are anything less than that, it\u2019s a sign of a problem that needs to be corrected through whatever discipline method that parent subscribes to.<\/p>\n

A \u201cshy\u201d child\u2013 who might actually struggle with social anxiety or are extremely introverted and have used up all their energy already? NOPE. NOT ALLOWED. We coax, we cajole\u2013 we might even\u00a0command<\/em>\u00a0our children to ignore their own emotional health because we want to introduce them to someone they\u2019ll never speak to again. A child that hates highly stimulating environments?\u00a0Too bad<\/em>. They are going into that Sunday school room with bright primary-color murals on every single wall and the teacher who shout-talks the entire time and they had\u00a0better<\/em>\u00a0not be a \u201cproblem.\u201d Could they have anxiety, or be\u00a0highly sensitive<\/a>?\u00a0We\u2019re not even going to ask that question<\/em>.<\/p>\n

We are given tons of education and information about a host of other things\u2013 we all know to look for signs of lice, or chicken pox. We know what to do to treat a cold, we understand the difference between the common head cold and what could be the flu.<\/p>\n

But how many of us know what the symptoms of anxiety or depression are? The\u00a0real<\/em>ones, not the ones we see in movies? I believe that being able to recognize when our children might be struggling with anxiety or depression is\u00a0just as necessary<\/em>\u00a0as knowing when they have the chicken pox. If we don\u2019t see it\u2013 if all we see is a \u201cspoiled brat\u201d or a \u201cproblem child,\u201d then we\u2019ll never be able to get them treatment. I grew up not knowing how to manage my anxiety, so I\u2019m having to learn all the tools and coping mechanisms now, as an adult. I have trouble recognizing when I\u2019m about to over-stress myself, because that threshold is so invisible to me.<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t have to be this way. I believe it\u00a0shouldn\u2019t<\/em>\u00a0be this way.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Samantha.<\/i> What has stuck with me about this particular conversation is the reaction I got: it had never occurred to these moms to wonder if their kids might be struggling with anxiety\u2013 social anxiety or otherwise. These moms are wonderful, loving people. They adore their kids. They\u2019re responsible parents. And yet, \u201cmaybe he doesn\u2019t like XYZ because he has anxiety\u201d just wasn\u2019t an option they\u2019d considered.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,108],"tags":[275,24],"class_list":["post-25157","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family","category-parenting","tag-anxiety","tag-children"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Radical Notion that Children Can Have Anxiety Too<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"By Samantha. 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What has stuck with me about this particular conversation is the reaction I got: it had never occurred to these moms to wonder if their kids might be struggling with anxiety\u2013 social anxiety or otherwise. These moms are wonderful, loving people. They adore their kids. They\u2019re responsible parents. 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