{"id":2618,"date":"2012-03-31T10:30:35","date_gmt":"2012-03-31T14:30:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=2618"},"modified":"2012-08-07T22:50:16","modified_gmt":"2012-08-08T02:50:16","slug":"on-unconditional-love-with-conditions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2012\/03\/on-unconditional-love-with-conditions.html","title":{"rendered":"On “unconditional” love with conditions"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

To all of you who comment \u2013 I love you guys. You frequently say things that are really insightful, things that make me think<\/em>. Reader Anotherone\u00a0made just such a comment recently<\/a> regarding fundamentalist parents and conditional love:<\/p>\n

I think a lot of fundamentalist parents love their children in supremely conditional ways, and the lightning fast retraction of that love comes right after the phrase, spoken with sickening gravity, \u201cwe need to talk.\u201d At least, that\u2019s how it was for my family.<\/p>\n

Of course, parents like mine say that they will always love us no matter what we do. But the \u201clove\u201d that remained once we didn\u2019t toe that oh-so-narrow line of their expectations was so abstract and theoretical as to be meaningless. When I strayed from the very narrow margin of acceptable behavior, attitude, or belief, the \u201cwe need to talk\u201d line would come out, and *everything* about our relationship would change.<\/p>\n

That phrase always ushered in the emotional shitstorm of them trying to get me to behave and believe like they wanted. The dire warnings about what befalls the Biblical fool would come out (God, even after all these years I can quote Proverbs like nobody\u2019s business).<\/p>\n

The two siblings nearest my age and I suffered under this pattern for years. We\u2019d buckle under the pressure and acquiesce when they pulled out all the emotional stops. (Who wants to be the hell-destined fool, after all?). But in college, when I had the space I needed away from the toxicity, I wouldn\u2019t buckle any longer, and the relationship all but ended. There was the cold distance, the open disapproval, the anger, talk of my ingratitude and foolishness, warnings about broad path of destruction. No more emotional support, no physical support, and the limiting of contact with my siblings.<\/p>\n

It was a de facto shunning, papered over at the end with a deadly calm politeness (on their part, not mine\u2013I was a hysterical mess). Of course, the craziest part was that my \u201crebellion\u201d would have been utterly unnoticeable to anyone outside my family. By the standards of larger society I was the goodiest of goody two shoes.<\/p>\n

Life out of my family\u2019s web is *so* much better\u2013so much happier, and more peaceful, and sane. But damned if those emotional shitstorms didn\u2019t leave their mark.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

For years I have bristled at the suggestion that my parents\u2019 love for me was only conditional. After all, they always told us they would always love us no matter what, and who am I to question a parent\u2019s love? I long connected their anger when I didn\u2019t toe the line to their fear that I was taking a path that would bring myself pain, both in this life and in the next. The doctrine of hell<\/a>, after all, justifies just about any action here on this earth if it will keep someone from eternal torture.<\/p>\n

Anotherone\u2019s comment made me rethink some of that. This part is the key:<\/p>\n

Of course, parents like mine say that they will always love us no matter what we do. But the \u201clove\u201d that remained once we didn\u2019t toe that oh-so-narrow line of their expectations was so abstract and theoretical as to be meaningless. When I strayed from the very narrow margin of acceptable behavior, attitude, or belief, the \u201cwe need to talk\u201d line would come out, and *everything* about our relationship would change.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

My relationship with my parents went from sunshine to thunderstorms the moment I stepped outside of their narrow margin of acceptable behavior. Everything <\/em>changed. What remained sure didn\u2019t feel like love. It felt like manipulation, pain, and degradation. \u201cShunning\u201d is a good word for it \u2013 being treated like a pariah. All for what? For stepping off the narrow margin of acceptable behavior.<\/p>\n

Throughout that period, my parents assured me that they loved me. The pain they felt, they said, was because of how much they loved me. Their tears, their anger, their efforts to make me live my life the way they wanted \u2013 it was all because they loved me.<\/p>\n

But in practice it felt like they were pulling out all stops to make me do what they wanted, live like they wanted, say what they wanted \u2013 it felt like it was all about them, not about me. In practice it was like they couldn\u2019t see me, this person they said they loved. In practice it was like they didn\u2019t want to get to know the person I had become, and kept imagining me to be the person I had been \u2013 and working to force me to be that person once again. It was like what they loved was a figment of their imagination, an image they had dreamed up in their minds, not me<\/em>. It was like they loved an idea rather than a person.<\/p>\n

This is tricky, because love is so very hard to define.\u00a0The\u00a0dictionary<\/a> says \u201ca feeling of warm, personal attachment or great affection.\u201d Even that, though, doesn\u2019t say very much. My parents would definitely have said they felt \u201cwarm, personal attachment\u201d and \u201cgreat affection\u201d towards me. But what does that mean in practice? Anyone can say <\/em>they love someone, after all. In abusive relationships, abusers often maintain their hold over their victims by expounding on how much they \u201clove\u201d them. How, then, are we to define what love is and what it isn\u2019t?<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have all the answers, but I do know that trying to force someone to be something they don\u2019t want to be isn\u2019t love. Using manipulation in an attempt to make someone do what you want isn\u2019t love. Withholding affection and smiles until someone conforms to your desires isn\u2019t love. Only treating a person kindly if they do exactly what you want them to do isn\u2019t love. Preferring to imagine an image of who someone is rather than actually getting to know them as a person isn\u2019t love. Trying to force someone into a box isn\u2019t love.<\/p>\n

I think Anotherone is onto something. Fundamentalist parents may claim to love their children unconditionally, but there are conditions:\u00a0stay on the straight and narrow and we will shower you with love and affection; step off the straight and narrow and all hell will break lose. And let me tell you, that second option is not <\/em>fun.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To all of you who comment \u2013 I love you guys. You frequently say things that are really insightful, things that make me think. Reader Anotherone\u00a0made just such a comment recently regarding fundamentalist parents and conditional love: I think a lot of fundamentalist parents love their children in supremely conditional ways, and the lightning fast […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,43],"tags":[170,129],"class_list":["post-2618","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","category-family","tag-pain","tag-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nOn "unconditional" love with conditions<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"To all of you who comment - I love you guys. You frequently say things that are really insightful, things that make me think. 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