School approaches, and in my Facebook feed I\u2019ve seen many posts by moms sending their children off to kindergarten for the first time. They\u2019re worried. They\u2019re scared. They talk about crying over their impending separation, and about wondering if maybe they should keep their children home a few more years\u2014homeschooling is better known, now, especially among the more progressive hippie types who grace my friend list. The tenor at school orientation was similar.<\/p>\n
On some level this feels familiar. My mother homeschooled me for kindergarten because the only option was full-day kindergarten and she couldn\u2019t bear\u00a0to send me. Was I ready? I was still so little! I still took naps! I have since met other homeschooling parents who began homeschooling for the same reason\u2014they couldn\u2019t stand to send their little girl off to school all day, and besides, she still took naps, and wouldn\u2019t that be a problem in full-day kindergarten?<\/p>\n
But\u00a0now, I\u2019m here to say\u00a0don\u2019t<\/em>. Don\u2019t assume your child is too little, or too young. There\u2019s a decent chance you may be\u00a0imputing your own fears and worries onto your kid. In fact, many of the mothers worried about whether their children will be able to handle school have also<\/em> said that their children are excited about going. Looking back, I don\u2019t think I was too young for full day kindergarten at all. I was an oldest child, and tended to be advanced. I suspect\u00a0my mother simply\u00a0had a problem letting go\u2014and judging by my current Facebook feed, so do many moms! If that\u2019s you, I\u2019m not here to shame you, I\u2019m here to tell you that it\u2019s okay<\/em>. Your child can do this, and so can you.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not saying that there are no<\/em> children who would benefit from being homeschooled for their early elementary years. I know a twice-gifted\u00a0girl my daughter\u2019s age who is\u00a0being homeschooled\u00a0because\u00a0school proved to be to overwhelming and inflexible for her, and she needed out. She\u2019s thriving at home, and her parents are going to try putting her in school again later. But note that even in her case, her parents tried<\/em> public school and only pulled her out when it was clear that it wasn\u2019t working for her.<\/p>\n What I\u2019m talking about, here, are cases where parents are worried that\u00a0their perfectly ordinary\u00a0kids won\u2019t be able to handle school, and I\u2019m seeing it primarily in progressive circles, the world of longterm nursing, baby wearing, and cosleeping. I sometimes wonder if these things become part of a sort of hyper helicopter parenting. I sometimes wonder if attachment parenting makes separation feel dangerous<\/em>.<\/p>\n Forming a strong emotional bond with your young child\u2014creating trust and security\u2014is indeed important! But so is beginning the process of letting them go<\/em>. Because that\u2019s what parenting is, isn\u2019t it? It\u2019s about keeping your child safe and equipping them with the information and skills they need in life while letting them gradually separate from you<\/em> in preparation of becoming their own autonomous adult. And if we hold on and hold on and hold on<\/em>, that process can\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n But isn\u2019t school a dangerous place, on some level? Are young children equipped to deal with the challenges and difficulties they may face there? Well no, not on their own,<\/em> and that\u2019s why they have parents<\/em>. We as parents are our children\u2019s advocates. We can hold them while they cry over a spat between friends, and equip them with information, ideas, and advice. Our children will need our help as they figure out how to navigate the social dynamics of school.<\/p>\n Let me tell you a story. I was homeschooled from kindergarten through high school. I mostly associated with other people I already knew.\u00a0The result was that I didn\u2019t learn how to interact with people more generally\u2014including toxic people, or unreasonable authority figures\u2014until I was an adult living on my own. This was really, really difficult for me. It meant I had to shed my tears alone, without my mother\u2019s shoulder to cry on, and figure out how to navigate difficult dynamics on my own, without my father\u00a0giving me ideas and\u00a0advice at the supper table.<\/p>\n In other words, sheltering our children and keeping them from conflict and pain only postpones when they will experience<\/em> that conflict and pain. Is school sometimes difficult? Yes<\/em>, but so is life, and isn\u2019t life what we\u2019re preparing them for? Now,\u00a0I am absolutely not<\/em> saying that children should be expected to always<\/em> tough it out. There are some times when the lesson we need to teach our children is when to jump ship.\u00a0Remember the friend I mentioned, who brought her twice-gifted daughter home when school when things weren\u2019t working?\u00a0There are times as adults when we have to quit a job or leave a relationship. Figuring out when to tough it out and when to leave a bad situation is a skill we need to teach our children.<\/p>\n But what about failing academics, bullying, inflexible teachers, and uncaring administrations? First, please do not assume that your child\u2019s school will be identical to the school you went to. And second, do not assume that even the school you went to\u00a0is the same today as it was twenty or thirty years ago. For example, schools today take bullying much more seriously than they did in the past. There was a time when the reigning narrative was basically \u201ckids will be kids,\u201d but that time is over. Schools today understand better how horribly detrimental bullying can be. There are now entire curriculums on bullying prevention, bullying prevention weeks, and more. Children are taught about the bystander affect, and much more.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not saying every school is perfect. Far from it! While there is definitely huge change, that change can be uneven. It may be that your child\u2019s school does not take bullying seriously, and that the administration turns a blind eye. If this is the case, you will have to figure out whether to help your child navigate the situation, jump ship, or raise a larger fuss and try to get the situation changed. This will depend on your individual child and their situation, and should involve a very heavy dose of listening to your child<\/em>. I am simply saying that\u00a0you shouldn\u2019t assume<\/em> your child will have a problem with bullying, even if they\u2019re unique or quirky, and you shouldn\u2019t assume that the administration won\u2019t care.<\/p>\n Let me tell you another story. My daughter goes to one of the poorest elementary schools in our district. It\u2019s the kind of school that\u2019s so poor that rich neighborhoods petitioned the local government\u00a0to keep their streets\u00a0out of its district. But it\u2019s also a school with an administration and teachers so caring and so responsive that families who move out of the district frequently petition to keep their children there. If I had made assumptions about this school based on its poverty level, my daughter might\u00a0have missed out on the rich and caring school culture it provides.<\/p>\n I want to conclude\u00a0this little essay by returning to an earlier point\u2014the fear and sadness\u00a0I see in many mothers as they look at their impending separation from their children. I want to start by telling two anecdotes. First, the idea that mothers should be anxious and worried as their children move toward independence is so strong that I saw one Facebook friend wonder aloud if enjoying her daughter\u2019s\u00a0independence makes her a bad mother. Yes, really! Second, in the third season of Orange Is the New Black, inmate Maria Ruiz worries about her absence from her small daughter but later tells another inmate that she realized that her young daughter didn\u2019t need her<\/em>, she<\/em> needed her young daughter. Think about that for a moment!<\/p>\n And now, one more story. My children have been in daycare since they were little. I worried about Sally when I put her in daycare, mostly because I was raised in an anti-daycare home, but by the time Bobby rolled around the transition couldn\u2019t have gone more smoothly. Both of my children have loved daycare, and I\u2019ve loved having the space to work. Both of my children gained confidence in daycare, and quickly grew used to having multiple caregivers. In other words, they\u2019ve both been separated from me for eight hours a day since they were itty bitty, and they\u2019re okay<\/em>. In fact, they\u2019re more than okay, they\u2019re doing great<\/em>.<\/p>\n Our experience with daycare\u00a0is part of why I suggested that\u00a0mothers worried about whether their children can handle school may be\u00a0imputing their own fears onto their\u00a0children. After all, if my kids could handle daycare (and not only survive but thrive), their\u00a0kids can handle kindergarten! Yes, I realize that it\u2019s slightly more complicated than that, and that kindergarten is more structured than daycare, but honestly, kids are more adaptable and strong\u00a0than we as parents parents give them credit for.<\/p>\n As parents, we need to both trust our children and help them gain confidence. Some children will be ready to head off to school without a care, others may be a bit apprehensive, and still others may be downright scared. As parents, it is our job to listen to our children and meet them where they are. We can encourage the more nervous ones, and as for the bold and fearless ones, well, we can let go with a smile. Because isn\u2019t letting go\u2014little by little over time\u2014what parenting is all about?<\/p>\n And\u00a0those parents who are simply stepping back in surprise at how big\u00a0their children have gotten? That I understand perfectly!<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" School approaches, and in my Facebook feed I\u2019ve seen many posts by moms sending their children off to kindergarten for the first time. They\u2019re worried. They\u2019re scared. They talk about crying over their impending separation, and about wondering if maybe they should keep their children home a few more years\u2014homeschooling is better known, now, especially among the more progressive hippie types who grace my friend list. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[108],"tags":[24,508],"class_list":["post-26303","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting","tag-children","tag-school"],"yoast_head":"\n