{"id":29041,"date":"2016-04-20T08:02:58","date_gmt":"2016-04-20T12:02:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=29041"},"modified":"2016-04-20T08:02:58","modified_gmt":"2016-04-20T12:02:58","slug":"catholic-sex-ed-all-a-guy-really-wants-from-you-is-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/04\/catholic-sex-ed-all-a-guy-really-wants-from-you-is-sex.html","title":{"rendered":"Catholic Sex Ed: “all a guy really wants from you is sex”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I recently received the following email:<\/p>\n

Dear Libby Anne,<\/p>\n

Hi I\u2019m Kim, a student at a all-girls Catholic school (though I am from an Evangelical family), and recently we have had a very popular Catholic chastity\/purity speaker come speak at our school by the name of Jason Evert. When I was younger, my older sister rejected a guy after reading Harris\u2019 book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and I secretly read it and realized how wrong the purity culture of Evangelicals, even at that age. But until recently, I hadn\u2019t seen the problem with the Catholic purity movement.<\/p>\n

Basically during this seminar, Evert said he wasn\u2019t going to try to scare us, but convince us that \u201creal love\u201d is better. However in the end he left me with the overwhelming feeling that all a guy really wants from you is sex. If a guy says he loves you he just wants sex, and basically the only way tell if a guy loves you is if he wants until marriage. That\u2019s it. He says lots of other stuff like you become completely attached to everyone you have sex with. Also he states that the only way to get respect out of a guys is to dress modesty.<\/p>\n

I know you\u2019ve talked a lot about the purity culture with evangelicals, but not with Catholics (as far as I know), and I think it\u2019s important. Its very similar to evangelical purity culture, but yet different enough to make it seem all good and \u201cperfect\u201d<\/p>\n

Much Thanks,<\/p>\n

Kim<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There is a lot of overlap between evangelical and Catholic ideas about sex and marriage. Catholics, of course, tend to use the word \u201cchastity\u201d while evangelicals tend to use the term \u201cpurity.\u201d For a brief period in college and early graduate school, I became Catholic. I went through the official conversion process, and I found many Catholic teachings much more relatable and compassionate than their evangelical counterparts. And while some absolutely are this\u2014see Catholic social teaching<\/a>, for instance\u2014others present the same basic concepts wrapped in slightly more appealing packaging.<\/p>\n

This is not to diss any Catholics in my readership. I understand the reasons people stay and work to reform their tradition from within. I no longer identify as Catholic because I gradually stopped believing in God, though I have since come to have serious problems\u00a0with a number of the church\u2019s positions, including its fight against lengthening the statute of limitations for sexual abuse victims and its position on birth control. Before we get off track, though, let\u2019s return to the issues Kim raised\u2014the problems with Catholic teachings about chastity a la those she heard at her Catholic high school.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with Kim\u2019s description. She states:<\/p>\n

. . .\u00a0he left me with the overwhelming feeling that all a guy really wants from you is sex. If a guy says he loves you he just wants sex, and basically the only way tell if a guy loves you is if he wants until marriage. That\u2019s it. He says lots of other stuff like you become completely attached to everyone you have sex with. Also he states that the only way to get respect out of a guys is to dress modesty.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Let\u2019s go down these point by point.<\/p>\n

First, I remember being told that guys \u201conly want one thing\u201d before I knew what that one thing was<\/em>. I just knew it was bad, from the way it was talked about, and that this made me extremely<\/em> uncomfortable around boys my own age. More than uncomfortable\u2014I was afraid of guys my own age. Needless to say, this was not a good thing. It made me see guys as a dangerous other rather than as people like me, individuals\u00a0just as likely to be kind and caring, or selfish and bullying, as anyone else.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s get down to the actual argument here. The real issue is whether a guy is willing to respect a woman\u2019s\u00a0boundaries, not whether he wants to wait until marriage to have sex. (And for the record, this should go both ways.) In other words, if you\u2019re dating a guy and you\u2019re not ready to take any clothes off yet, you\u2019d prefer to make out while still clothed, and he badgers you and badgers you and whines and tries to get you to take your clothes off, that should be a very definite red flag. But if you\u2019re into it and he\u2019s into it and you both want to go all the way? That\u2019s not a red flag.<\/p>\n

I would be remiss if I didn\u2019t address the most unfortunate side effect of this teaching, though\u2014I have watched couples rush into marriage because they want to have sex and believe they have to wait until marriage. This is only compounded by further problems. For example, the claim\u00a0that if you truly love each other you will wait until marriage to have sex<\/em> can lead couples to mistake a desire to wait for love<\/em>. And similarly, this focus on sex can detract from a focus on actual compatibility. Altogether, you have a recipe for disaster.<\/p>\n

New let\u2019s move on to the next point\u2014re. becoming completely attached to everyone you have sex with, there are lots of things we do that release oxytocin. It is by no means limited to sex. And you know what? I\u2019ve seen this idea that you have got to stay with the first person you have sex with make women stay with boyfriends who raped them, because they figured since they\u2019d had sex with them, they couldn\u2019t exactly leave. This<\/em> is what happens when we tell people they\u2019ve got to stay with the first person they have sex with or else they\u2019ve messed up their lives. This<\/em> is what happens when we elevate sex this<\/em> high in importance. You know what? Lots of people date (and have sex with) multiple guys before finding someone they feel compatible with and marrying them, and they do just fine. I promise.<\/p>\n

Third, modesty. It\u2019s true that there are guys who only \u201crespect\u201d\u00a0women who are dressed \u201cmodestly.\u201d And do you know why? Because that\u2019s what they were taught to do by speakers and religious leaders like this guy. In other words, it\u2019s true that sexist<\/em> guys only respect women who are dressed in a certain way. But\u00a0you know what? This is only an issue for women who want to date (or marry)\u00a0sexist men. Actually, I take that back. It\u2019s an issue for everyone because it\u2019s freaking dangerous<\/em> to teach young men to de facto devalue and disrespect women who don\u2019t dress this way or that. Sexist men don\u2019t simply leave \u201cimmodest\u201d women alone, they too often assume they\u2019re there for the taking and the using. And that\u2019s wrong, and disgusting, and, frankly, dangerous<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to finish by inviting anyone interested to share their own experiences with Catholic sex education. Tomorrow I will look in more depth at the particular speaker Kim heard, and at his ministry. I\u2019m interested in drawing some comparisons between Catholic and evangelical sex education, because the above points raised by Kim are all things I\u2019ve experienced in evangelical purity teachings as well. For the moment though, I\u2019m interested in hearing my readers\u2019 experiences with Catholic sex education and comparisons between it and evangelical versions. Do share!<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I would be remiss if I didn’t address the most unfortunate side effect of this teaching, though—I have watched couples rush into marriage because they want to have sex and believe they have to wait until marriage. This is only compounded by further problems. 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