Can we talk about how people respond to adult abuse victims?*<\/p>\n
Let me start by noting that I sometimes have trouble naming what happened to me as abuse. We typically associate abuse with adults\u00a0beating children in an angry or out of control or sadistic\u00a0way. That didn\u2019t happen to me. Instead,\u00a0I had what many would see as an ideal childhood, growing up in the country with parents who read to me, played board games with me, and made even maintenance projects around the house fun, interesting, bonding experiences. I was spanked in a methodical (yet still harmful) way, but\u00a0it was\u00a0the emotion control that was worse. Bad attitudes were punished. Dissent was not tolerated. Once\u00a0I reached adulthood, my parents sought to control my choices in an extremely manipulative and abusive way. I have less trouble calling what they did during my early adulthood abusive because of how severely traumatic it was.<\/p>\n
I should know. I have PTSD.<\/p>\n
I suspect that there are a lot of young adults in my same position, with parents who treated them in highly manipulative and controlling ways\u2014ways that were not at all okay\u2014without bearing the characteristics we often associate with abuse. This is especially true when parents are emotionally abusive but not physically abusive. Very few people under stand the dynamics of emotional abuse, and just how severely damaging it can be.\u00a0Perhaps because of this, I\u2019ve noticed some patterns in people\u2019s responses when hearing my story\u2014responses I imagine many other young adults receive as well, especially from those who are older and\/or religious.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll parents make mistakes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour parents were just trying to do what they thought was best for you.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I hear these responses and I grind my teeth. This is absolutely not what I need to hear. Yes, all parents make mistakes, but not all mistakes are of the same magnitude, and some mistakes are symptomatic of overall abusive patterns that have got<\/em> to be called out. Furthermore, saying \u201call parents make mistakes\u201d lets parents off the hook for abusive behavior, and\u00a0I have seen exactly that happen as abusive parents tell adult children who have finally stood up to them that \u201call parents make mistakes\u201d and what they did should therefore be overlooked.<\/p>\n
The second response is\u00a0similar. I\u2019m fairly sure nearly every abuser ever\u2014including those we would all readily recognize as abusers\u2014have claimed to be doing what they thought was best for their kids. Those faith healing parents who let their kids die are doing what they think\u00a0is best for their kids.<\/em>\u00a0That is a terrible<\/em> standard, and a perfect shield for both abusers and abusive behavior. It minimizes the behavior, and it suggests that parents who have inflicted harm on their children aren\u2019t really any different from other parents\u2014after all, they all just want what\u2019s best for their kids!<\/p>\n
I have seen this second response, too, used by abusive parents whose adult children have stood up to them, as they respond by explaining\u00a0that, okay, maybe they did some things they shouldn\u2019t have, but they were just trying to do what they thought was best for them, so let up already!<\/p>\n
Well you know what? We can\u2019t let up. Parents who have engrained abusive patterns rarely just change. Instead what happens is that we give them another chance based on their responsibility denying not-apology cloaked in lines like those above and then we get metaphorically smacked in the face again. I have seen this happen so many times. I have lived it. If the underlying abusive patterns are not admitted and dealt with, they will continue to rear their ugly head. Parents who have ingrained abusive parenting habits have got to actually own up to these habits, and to what they did\u2014without excuses<\/em>\u2014before anything can change.<\/p>\n
Lines like those above\u00a0enable<\/em> abusive parents. They give these parents excuses, and make it less likely that they will fully own up to what they\u2019ve done and actually work to change. They give abusive parents cover. This is not okay.<\/p>\n
We as a society need to recognize that parents can be abusive toward their children\u2014including their adult children\u2014without looking like the stereotypical abuser. We need to recognize that emotional abuse is in many ways just as harmful as physical abuse. We need to stop explaining abusive parenting away as just parents who mean well making mistakes. We need to take abusive patterns seriously and call them out as wrong. We need to support our friends or family members who endured (or are still enduring)\u00a0abuse from their parents, whether as children or as young adults.<\/p>\n
What is it I do<\/em> want to hear, then? This:<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry that happened to you. What your parents did was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are important and you matter. I believe in you.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
That\u2019s really it. I don\u2019t need you to rip into my parents, or to show some huge emotional response. I just need you to acknowledge that what happened was wrong, and should not have happened. I just need that simple affirmation. I\u2019ve spoken with a lot of young adults in similar situations, and that\u2019s what they say they need too. What we want to hear is an acknowledgement that what we suffered was wrong, and not okay, without any excuses for our parents.<\/p>\n
I would be remiss if I did not mention one more thing I am sometimes told:<\/p>\n
\u201cI hope someday you will be able to forgive them.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
This response is wrong for several reasons. For one thing, it assumes I haven\u2019t<\/em> forgiven them. For another thing, it assumes that forgiveness is some sort of magic thing we can just do. I actually don\u2019t usually think in terms of forgiveness. I think in terms of processing. Have I processed what happened to me? Have I arrived at a place where I can feel some sense of calm and acceptance? Have I sorted things out in my brain such that I\u00a0have a framework for understanding\u00a0what happened to me, and why? This is far more important to me than some sort of magic word.<\/p>\n
This response also puts the burden on the victim rather than on the abuser. In evangelical Christianity, forgiveness is such a loaded term. It is something that must<\/em> be done, and if one does not forgive, they become the one doing wrong. I\u2019ve seen it interpreted such that a victim who refuses to \u201cforgive\u201d their abuser is wronging<\/em> their abuser. Contrast this response and focus with this alternative response:<\/p>\n
\u201cI hope someday your parents\u00a0will realize that they were\u00a0wrong.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
This response puts the burden on the parents. It acknowledges that fixing the relationship is incumbent on the abusive parent recognizing that what they are doing is wrong and taking steps to correct it, not upon the adult child \u201cforgiving\u201d their abusive parent. It acknowledges, too, that the problem is ongoing, and is not something we can solve ourselves.<\/p>\n
Depending on the situation, it may not be something we want<\/em>\u00a0solved. Some have been so harmed by abusive parents that they no longer want them in their lives, not now, not ever\u2014and we need to recognize that that is their prerogative.<\/p>\n
What about you? If you experienced abuse at your parents\u2019 hands, whether\u00a0as a child or a young adult,\u00a0what responses to your experiences have you seen from others? How do you want<\/em> people to respond? Did the abuse you suffer meet the stereotypes we hold about abuse, or not? Whatever further thoughts you may have are welcome!<\/p>\n
*This essay deals with how people should respond to adults who have suffered abuse,\u00a0especially emotional abuse, at their parents\u2019 hands, not with how people should respond to minors who divulge abuse.\u00a0Child abuse should always be reported to the authorities.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I hear these responses and I grind my teeth. This is absolutely not what I need to hear. Yes, all parents make mistakes, but not all mistakes are of the same magnitude, and some mistakes are symptomatic of overall abusive patterns that have got to be called out. Furthermore, saying “all parents make mistakes” lets parents off the hook for abusive behavior.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":29182,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,43],"tags":[322],"class_list":["post-29166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","category-family","tag-abuse"],"yoast_head":"\n
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