{"id":29735,"date":"2016-07-14T19:58:13","date_gmt":"2016-07-14T23:58:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=29735"},"modified":"2018-10-23T06:28:54","modified_gmt":"2018-10-23T10:28:54","slug":"is-josh-harris-actually-taking-responsibility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/07\/is-josh-harris-actually-taking-responsibility.html","title":{"rendered":"Is Josh Harris Actually Taking Responsibility?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Josh Harris was interviewed on NPR recently. I know this because my husband started yelling at me to come into the kitchen right freaking now<\/em> and I was like, wait, you can\u2019t just order me to drop everything like that, that\u2019s not how it works, and he was like, trust me, you\u2019re going to want to hear this<\/em>. And there it was. Josh Harris on NPR, discussing his 1997 book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>. After reading his apology<\/a>\u00a0two months ago to several bloggers who have, like me, spent years blogging against the problems caused by the purity teachings promoted by Harris and others, I started listening with some optimism. I was seriously, seriously<\/em> underwhelmed.<\/p>\n

Let me use some quotes from the transcript<\/a> to explain why:<\/p>\n

MARTIN: Joshua Harris has been reflecting a lot on the impact of his book. He\u2019s heard from people who felt his writing taught them to be ashamed of their bodies and to feel guilty for having any sexual desires. The criticism came out recently on Twitter. One woman reached out and said the book was used against her like a weapon. Joshua Harris apologized.<\/p>\n

HARRIS: I think I\u2019m finally at a place where I\u2019m really trying to listen to those voices. And I think it\u2019s taken time for the consequences of the way that people applied the book and the way the book affected people to play out. And so I\u2019m hearing these different voices saying, here\u2019s how your book was used against me, here\u2019s how it was forced on me, or here\u2019s how I tried to \u2013 no one forced it on me, but I tried to apply it and it had this negative consequence in different ways.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying to go back and really evaluate, you know, where did my book contribute to that? Where was it too stringent? And where was that me and what I was writing, and where was that \u2013 the families and the church cultures and so on? So I feel like I\u2019m on the front end of a process to help people in some way if I can apologize where needed and re-evaluate where needed.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Oh my god, really? I mean, \u201cthe consequences of the way people applied the book,\u201d is Harris\u00a0freaking serious with this? That\u00a0is not what taking responsibility looks like. The problem was not that his book was misunderstood<\/em>. The problem was what he said in his book<\/em>. And I mean\u00a0it wasn\u2019t his only book, either. He wrote an entire book on lust. In that book he claimed that you are experiencing lust<\/em> any time you feel sexually attracted to\u00a0someone that is not your lawfully married spouse. Way to make people scared to ever look at anyone in public ever again! He also wrote that masturbation was sin, period, even in marriage, because sexual pleasure was always and only ever meant to be mutual, between spouses. You know, for starters.<\/p>\n

But\u00a0the real\u00a0issue is how other people applied<\/em> his book, probably<\/em>. The real problem was the families and the church cultures, probably<\/em>. Can we pause and remember that, in his book, he includes a story in which a boyfriend stops by his girlfriend\u2019s home to pick her up, and sends her back into her house to change her clothes because he finds them too sexy? Can we remember that, please? And yes, that story was framed positively. And then there was the story about the woman who dreamed that on her wedding day, all of her former boyfriends came up to the front and told her groom that she had given each of them a piece of her heart, and that now he would never have her whole heart? I didn\u2019t dream that story, and yes, again, it was framed positively. And it scared the shit out of me and thousands of other evangelical girls.<\/p>\n

But you know, we probably just understood. Probably.<\/p>\n

No<\/em>. Harris was not misunderstood.\u00a0This isn\u2019t about people misapplying his teachings. This is about his teachings being\u00a0wrong and harmful and dangerous<\/em>. This is about his book and his teachings creating so many problems for young evangelicals that even the extremely conservative evangelical World Magazine took note and published an article<\/a> expressing concern that Harris\u2019s book had created a culture in which it was almost impossible for evangelical young people to find mates. Yes, really<\/em>. You would think that someone who wrote a book that caused so many problems would be a bit more circumspect and, just maybe<\/em>, a bit more willing to take responsibility.<\/p>\n

But watch what happens when the host asks Harris directly what he would retract:<\/p>\n

MARTIN: As you have gone back through the book, where have you changed your mind?<\/p>\n

HARRIS: Honestly, I haven\u2019t engaged that process of reading through the whole book and saying, this is what I think about all these different areas. I think one area I am seeing is that \u2013 where my book was used as a rule book to say this is the only way to do it. I know that that\u2019s not helpful. That was not my intention. But I think one of the things that I\u2019m changing in my own thinking is I just think people \u2013 myself included \u2013 it\u2019s so easy to latch on to a formula. You know, you do these things and you\u2019ll be great. You\u2019ll be safe and you\u2019ll be protected and you\u2019ll be whatever.<\/p>\n

And I just don\u2019t think that\u2019s the way life works. I don\u2019t think that\u2019s the way the life of faith works. And so when we try to overly control our own lives or overly control other people\u2019s lives, I think we end up harming people. And I\u2019m \u2013 I think that that\u2019s part of the problem with my book.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

. . .<\/p>\n

I mean he can\u2019t be serious with this, right? He wrote his book in a very authoritative \u201cI\u2019ve figured it out\u201d voice. He presented various principles as, yes, rules. And yet he\u2019s all \u201cmy book was used<\/em> as a rule book to say this is the only way to do it\u201d and all \u201cthat was not my intention.\u201d So in other words, when asked for something specifically he changed his mind on that he wrote in his book,<\/em> all he can come up with is well, everyone else applied my book wrong, I never meant for them to use it as a rule book.<\/p>\n

And in his last paragraph? Notice what he still can\u2019t say. He says that we shouldn\u2019t latch onto formulas and that when we try to control other people\u2019s lives \u201cwe end up harming people.\u201d Not \u201cI harmed people.\u201d He can\u2019t seem to admit that his book<\/em> caused hurt. Instead, everything has to be passive voice, or plural, or vague, or someone else\u2019s fault (i.e. the churches or communities or those reading his book).<\/p>\n

Some may think I\u2019m being too hard on Harris. I suppose it\u2019s possible. He does seem to admit, in the very last sentence above, that his book itself does have problems, apart from the way it was applied by individuals, churches, and communities. But even here it\u2019s not clear what he\u2019s talking about, or what he means. What problems is he referring to? Does he mean his book focused overly on controlling other people? Or does he mean his book presented a formula? Why can\u2019t he be direct? And why didn\u2019t he lead with the problem with his book rather than leading with the problem being how other people applied the book in ways he never intended?<\/p>\n

This lack of directness suggests that either Harris is in the very beginning stages of rethinking his writing (stages where he\u2019s still primarily blaming others for misinterpreting it), or that Harris wants to portray himself as reformed, improved, and better while still teaching the exact same freaking things<\/em>. Which, by the way, brings me to the next section.<\/p>\n

MARTIN: That\u2019s such a hard needle to thread, though, right? If you\u2019re Christian, you believe that there\u2019s a way to live a life. There are rights and wrongs. And so how do you stay true to that and at the same time be open to other people\u2019s views that may exist in contrast to those rights and wrongs?<\/p>\n

HARRIS: Well, you\u2019re exactly right. I believe that the Bible does give certain commandments and guidance and so on. I think, though, that it\u2019s really easy for Christians to take truths from God\u2019s word and principles and then in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways add extra human regulation onto it. For example, there are clear things in statements in Scripture about our sexuality being expressed within the covenant of marriage. But that doesn\u2019t mean that dating is somehow wrong or a certain way of dating is the only way to do things.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019m sorry,\u00a0what?!<\/em>\u00a0Did I very much miss something, or is the title of Harris\u2019s\u00a0book not\u00a0I Kissed Dating Goodbye? <\/em>If he no longer believes dating is wrong, why didn\u2019t he mention that when the host asked him what he\u2019d changed his mind on? I suspect I know. I suspect Harris doesn\u2019t think his book actually told people not to date. I mean, what he really<\/em> meant was that people should make sure they\u2019re focused on finding a marital partner, not just, you know, having fun. I suspect he thinks the whole \u201cdon\u2019t date\u201d thing is just\u00a0how other people applied it. But again, I point you to the title of the book. This isn\u2019t other people misapplying it. This is what he taught<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Lest we get bogged down in semantics, let me point out that\u00a0the idea that every relationship must be marriage-focused\u2014an idea that Harris most definitely taught in his book\u2014is itself\u00a0a problem. I wish I\u2019d understood, growing up, that sometimes being in a relationship is\u00a0about learning more of\u00a0what you want in a partner, or\u00a0learning to be a better partner yourself, that relationships needn\u2019t\u00a0always and only be about marching toward marriage. Harris teaches that you shouldn\u2019t start a relationship\u00a0until you are ready to marry, because the entire point of getting to know a member of the opposite sex romantically should always and only be marriage. That\u2019s a problem, not only because dating around before marrying can help people learn what they want in a partner, but also because\u00a0a\u00a0laser-like focus on marriage can result in people getting too serious too quickly. But I very much doubt we will ever see Harris admit any of this, for reasons we see below.<\/p>\n

Looking at the above passage again, for a moment, notice\u00a0Harris\u2019s\u00a0inability to take direct responsibility. He doesn\u2019t say \u201cI<\/em> took God\u2019s word and added extra regulation to it, and I should not have done that.\u201d No, he says \u201cit\u2019s really easy for Christians to take truths from God\u2019s word and . . . add extra human regulation onto it.\u201d The problem, once again, is other<\/em> people. It\u2019s possible that Harris means to\u00a0include himself there, but even if he is, his inability to say \u201cI made a mistake\u201d or \u201cI added to God\u2019s word\u201d or \u201cI caused harm\u201d is quite striking.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s another problem here, too. Notice that Harris still believes that sex should only occur within marriage. A lot of the critique of purity culture teachings more generally revolves around the way in which they make people who have had sex (particularly women) feel like they are ruined, dirty, second-rate, damaged goods. There\u2019s a whole book about this<\/a>. Harris cannot truly engage with that problem while still teaching that premarital sex is a sin.<\/p>\n

But actually, the problem is deeper than that. Harris isn\u2019t just talking about sex. He says that the Bible is clear that \u201cabout our sexuality being expressed within the covenant of marriage.\u201d Our sexuality.<\/em> What does that mean? It means that it is wrong to awaken sexual desire before marriage. It means that it is wrong to make out, to kiss, and possibly even to touch. I\u2019d like to imagine this isn\u2019t what Harris means here, I really would, but that really is what it means when an evangelical pastor says that our sexuality<\/em> is only to be expressed within marriage. And if Harris hasn\u2019t changed on this point, at all, he can\u2019t correct the problems he caused with his book.<\/p>\n

And so it comes down to this: The problem, for Harris, appears to be\u00a0not what he\u00a0said in his book, but rather how others applied it. The problem, for Harris,\u00a0appears to be\u00a0that others made it into a formula or a rulebook, which he certainly didn\u2019t intend! But when pressed on what teachings he\u2019s actually retracting? He can\u2019t say, and from where I\u2019m standing, it looks like he can\u2019t say because he\u2019s not retracting any<\/em>. Oh he says<\/em> dating is not wrong, but given that he said our sexuality should be\u00a0reserved only for marriage in the same breath, that sounds to me like nothing more than semantics. What really is he changing?\u00a0Ponder that. What, specifically, is he taking back?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s become all the rage for would-be hip pastors like Harris to denounce formulas<\/em>. They deride any attempt to add rules to the word of God\u2014that is, until some young Christian blogger points out that\u00a0the New Testament is way more hung up on greed than it is on sex before marriage, and that maybe we should be focusing more on love than on how people use their private parts. And then, suddenly, these hip pastors are\u00a0a-okay with standing up and shouting \u201cNO NO NO THE BIBLE IS VERY CLEAR ON THAT\u201d as though they aren\u2019t, in fact, adding to the Bible by doing so<\/em>. They\u2019re all about not using formulas, except for, you know, their own formulas<\/em>. These hip pastors are\u00a0all about Christianity being a relationship between a Christian, God\u2019s word, and the Holy Spirit, until, that is, some young, well-read Christian dares to disagree\u00a0with them. Then it\u2019s suddenly very important to have a pastor dictating\u00a0what God really<\/em> said, and creating rules and requirements.<\/p>\n

Look, I grew up in a\u00a0conservative\u00a0evangelical megachurch where I was constantly told\u00a0that Christianity is a relationship<\/em>, not a religion<\/em>. I get it. It\u2019s incredibly typical for evangelicals to rail against formulas while at the same time using formulas to police the boundaries of religious belonging. I know because I lived it. It was never just about the ordinary\u00a0Christian and their Bible, because I still believed in the Bible and loved Jesus when I was cast out of the fold for transgressing the invisible borders of belonging. Don\u2019t tell<\/em> me you don\u2019t have formulas. You bloody well have formulas<\/em>. I\u2019m sorry, but rejecting formulas means a hell of a lot more than proclaiming on NPR that you\u2019re rejecting formulas. Actually, no,\u00a0I\u2019m not sorry.<\/em><\/p>\n

Nice try. Not enough. Try harder.<\/em><\/p>\n

For what it\u2019s worth? I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em> when I was fourteen years old. I know this because I wrote about it in my diary, which I still have. I wrote in my diary, upon finishing the book, that I\u2019d realized it was wrong to have crushes. That\u2019s right. Up till then I regularly wrote about my crushes in my diary. I never even talked to them. It was all about whether they\u2019d been at this event or that, and so forth. And then I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>. And then I realized that my crushes were sinful, and resolved to stop, and felt guilty when I still crushed on boys, rinse, lather, repeat<\/em>. I did the same thing with masturbation, by the way, a horrid guilty cycle.<\/p>\n

Would Harris suggest that I was misapplying his book, at fourteen years old? Would he retract the\u00a0teachings that caused me so much pain and confusion? Or would he say his teachings in these areas were biblical, and my guilt was real? That I don\u2019t know shows just how far Harris is from\u00a0actual, real, meaningful change.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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I was seriously, seriously underwhelmed.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/07\/is-josh-harris-actually-taking-responsibility.html","og_site_name":"Love, Joy, Feminism","article_published_time":"2016-07-14T23:58:13+00:00","article_modified_time":"2018-10-23T10:28:54+00:00","og_image":[{"width":450,"height":726,"url":"https:\/\/wp-media.patheos.com\/blogs\/sites\/166\/2016\/07\/i-kissed-dating-goodbye-2.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Libby Anne","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Libby Anne","Est. reading time":"13 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/07\/is-josh-harris-actually-taking-responsibility.html","url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/07\/is-josh-harris-actually-taking-responsibility.html","name":"Is Josh Harris Actually Taking Responsibility?","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-07-14T23:58:13+00:00","dateModified":"2018-10-23T10:28:54+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/#\/schema\/person\/fae465c1bbb5cbdf26c9e73bfd1b73d2"},"description":"Josh Harris was interviewed on NPR recently. 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College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the \"purity culture,\" the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.","sameAs":["http:\/\/patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism"],"url":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/author\/libby"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29735","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/845"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29735"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29735\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/29738"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29735"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29735"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29735"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}