{"id":29804,"date":"2016-07-25T07:59:13","date_gmt":"2016-07-25T11:59:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=29804"},"modified":"2016-07-25T07:59:13","modified_gmt":"2016-07-25T11:59:13","slug":"the-listening-parent-and-the-thinking-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/07\/the-listening-parent-and-the-thinking-child.html","title":{"rendered":"The Listening Parent (and the Thinking Child)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I was going to post something about politics today, but then I realized that there is way too much about politics out there right now, and that politics is a dark and unhappy place. So instead, I\u2019m going to write about parenting.<\/p>\n

Last night I was watching Supergirl with my four-year-old son, Bobby,\u00a0when he asked for a cup of milk. We were watching the show in the basement and had only just gotten all settled and started the show. I didn\u2019t really want to go upstairs to the kitchen, or to disrupt the carefully curated pillow placement. I also didn\u2019t want Bobby drinking milk on the futon in the basement.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s wait until after the episode, okay?\u201d I suggested.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, let\u2019s get milk now,\u201d put in earnestly. \u201cWe can pause<\/em> Supergirl!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I don\u2019t want you\u00a0drinking milk in the basement,\u201d I added.<\/p>\n

\u201cI will drink it super fast<\/em>, in the kitchen!\u201d Bobby offered.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d I acquiesced. \u201d\u00a0Let\u2019s go get you some milk.\u201d<\/p>\n

I highlight this exchange not because it is abnormal but rather because it is representative of exchanges Bobby and I have every single day. I want you to note several things. First, note that I never told Bobby \u201cno.\u201d Instead, I explained to him my reasoning for wanting to wait. Second, note that Bobby did not whine or fuss or become upset. Instead, he focused on convincing me to him milk right then by assuaging my concerns (pointing out that we could pause the movie, offering to drink his milk quickly in the kitchen).\u00a0Exchanges like this are the norm in our household.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s possible that making executive decisions and\u00a0standing by them would make for easier\u00a0parenting; my life would certainly be simpler if I could just\u00a0bark orders at my children rather than having conversations with them. But parenting is not about doing whatever is easiest. Parenting is about preparing children for adulthood, and adulthood means learning how to make counter-offers or respond to criticisms of plans you put forward, whether in the home or at work.<\/p>\n

When it comes down to it, though, I\u2019m not actually sure that the way I parent is<\/em> more difficult overall. Yes, it\u00a0takes more effort\u00a0upfront, and it requires\u00a0more conscious parenting.\u00a0Still, note that Bobby did not fuss or whine or pitch a fit when I put him off when he first asked for milk. Instead, he engaged in\u00a0reasoned discussion. (Don\u2019t get hung up on the specific subject matter\u2014we have this sort of exchange over all manner of things.) Even if Bobby does not\u00a0ultimately get what he wants\u2014and he doesn\u2019t always\u2014he\u00a0knows\u00a0that his\u00a0concerns are listened to, and he has\u00a0a better understanding of the reasons I\u2019m turning down his\u00a0request. That matters\u2014a lot.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that I never say \u201cno\u201d outright. I sometimes do. But even then, I\u2019ve found\u00a0that my overall willingness to discuss my thought processes and reconsider my decisions based on new evidence generally makes my children more willing to accept a \u201cno\u201d when in fact that is<\/em> the answer. Why? Because they know they\u2019re listened to. Because they know I value their input. Because they know I don\u2019t say \u201cno\u201d lightly. Because they know I care about their needs and wants.<\/p>\n

When I first started parenting, I didn\u2019t realize that\u00a0letting my children know that I value their input and ideas would be so transformative. I didn\u2019t grow up this way. When I was a child, any attempt to change my mother\u2019s mind was interpreted as disobedience. I knew that my input and ideas were not valued. I could practically feel<\/em> it. I often\u00a0felt muzzled and smothered because I had ideas, I had thoughts, I had input, and I had no way to offer any of it without getting in trouble. It proved a constant frustration. My children, though? My children have a sort of natural poise and confidence in who they are and in their ability to think things through and formulate ideas that I can only wonder at.<\/p>\n

One cool\u00a0thing about having blogged for five years\u00a0is that I can look back at what I wrote about parenting when my daughter, Sally, was around Bobby\u2019s age. Lest anyone think that what I\u2019ve written above is evidence of an exceptional child, rather than reflective of specific parenting choices, I give you Sally, in January 2012<\/a>:<\/p>\n

At home, the sort of compromise and mutual respect I aim to achieve works fairly well. Sally doesn\u2019t always get what she wants, but we don\u2019t always get what we want either, and both sides listen to each other and try to understand. For example, a few weeks ago Sally wanted to take her hot chocolate upstairs. I told her no, because I was afraid she would spill it on the way upstairs. Her response? \u201cHow about mommy carry hot chocolate upstairs.\u201d And I was proud of her. Sally is still very young, but already she knows to take my concerns into account and understands how to compromise.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And that is, perhaps, one more point I should make sure to touch on\u2014in the exchange quoted at the beginning of this post, Bobby was specifically responding to my concerns and my needs and trying to find a solution that worked for both of us. First, he pointed out that we could pause Supergirl, perhaps thinking that I had suggested waiting until after the episode because I didn\u2019t want to miss anything. Next, when I said I didn\u2019t want him drinking milk in the basement, Bobby offered to drink it \u201csuper fast\u201d while still in the kitchen, again responding to my specific concern.<\/p>\n

In other words, this isn\u2019t really a story about children doing (or saying) whatever they have to to get what they want. Rather, it\u2019s a story about children who have been taught to listen to others\u2019 needs and seek compromises that\u00a0satisfy everyone\u2019s<\/em> concerns. That is a skill that will take them a long, long way.<\/p>\n

Note: I had a really hard time finding a stock image for this post. Why? Because it turns out it\u2019s really difficult to find a picture of a parent listening to a young child. Instead, the pictures google brings up tend to have the parent either talking to or lecturing the child. Make of that what you will.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

I have a <\/b>Patreon<\/b><\/a>! Please support my writing!<\/b><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was going to post something about politics today, but then I realized that there is way too much about politics out there right now, and that politics is a dark and unhappy place. So instead, I’m going to write about parenting. <\/p>\n

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