{"id":30344,"date":"2016-09-22T05:00:32","date_gmt":"2016-09-22T09:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=30344"},"modified":"2016-09-19T17:27:18","modified_gmt":"2016-09-19T21:27:18","slug":"obtaining-consent-doesnt-end-with-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2016\/09\/obtaining-consent-doesnt-end-with-marriage.html","title":{"rendered":"Obtaining Consent Doesn’t End with Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I am deeply troubled by She Only Said \u201cYes\u201d Once<\/a>, an article I recently came upon on Faith It by Pastor Reggie Osborne. It\u2019s very long. Let me give you a sample:<\/p>\n

I stood on a stage in the church I\u2019d grown up in. \u00a0I can only vaguely remember my wedding, but I\u2019ll never forget seeing Allison emerge from the hallway at the back of the sanctuary. Beautiful.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

. . .We stood before the pastor, and we went through the motions of the service. \u00a0It feels sacrilege to says this, but they were just words at that point.\u00a0 The promises had already been made.<\/p>\n

Finally:\u00a0 \u201cYou may kiss your bride.\u201d<\/p>\n

We kissed. \u00a0A real kiss\u2026nothing obscene\u2026but not a peck either. \u00a0My wife is so shy about showing affection in public, that even to this day we don\u2019t really kiss when we\u2019re out and about. \u00a0But we kissed right then and there, with no shyness at all.<\/p>\n

And in that moment, on that stage, when we were married, my wife \u2013 Allison Lynne Osborne \u2013 said, \u201cYes,\u201d to me.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before that moment, the answer had always been, \u201cNo,\u201d \u2013 \u201cno\u201d in my heart and \u201cno\u201d in hers.\u00a0 \u201cNo\u201d in parked cars, in movie theatres, in empty living rooms \u2013 \u201cno\u201d to all of those emotions and desires that threaten to sweep away young people in love.\u00a0 The answer had always been, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Not anymore. \u00a0On, July 28th<\/sup>, 2001, the answer we gave each other before God and everyone was: \u201cYes.\u201d \u00a0\u201cYes,\u201d until the day that we die.<\/p>\n

Yes, I could kiss her.\u00a0 Yes, I could sleep with her.\u00a0 Yes, I could steal glances of her in the shower because I think she looks great even after 5 kids. She said, \u201cYes,\u201d to me, forever.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t asking for a one night stand or\u00a0permission to touch her after a party. \u00a0I was asking for forever, and that\u2019s what she gave me. \u00a0That\u2019s what I gave her.<\/p>\n

She has never had to say it again.<\/strong>\u00a0 She said \u201cyes\u201d only once.\u00a0 She meant it to last. \u00a0I meant it to last. \u00a0It has lasted fourteen years. \u00a0It will remain in effect until death parts us.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019ve rarely seen this switch from \u201cno, no, no\u201d to \u201cyes, yes, yes\u201d illustrated so clearly. Evangelicals oppose sex before marriage\u2014no, no, no. But where they stumble most seriously is after marriage\u2014I\u2019m sorry, but it doesn\u2019t actually switch to yes, yes, yes, especially if\u00a0there are five kids in the mix! A married man can\u2019t just walk up to his wife and have sex with her whenever he wants (and vice versa). The other person\u2019s consent matters<\/em>.<\/p>\n

But Osborne doesn\u2019t like consent\u2014not at all<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Last October\u00a0the\u00a0New York Times<\/u>\u00a0published an article describing what sex education is like for tenth graders now in San Francisco.\u00a0 A new law requires that teachers give lessons on something called \u201caffirmative consent\u201d. \u00a0These children are taught to ask for consent at every point in a sexual encounter.<\/p>\n

Do you want to kiss her?\u00a0 Ask for consent.\u00a0 Do you want to touch her breasts?\u00a0 Ask for consent again.\u00a0 Do you want to take her clothes off?\u00a0 Ask for consent again.\u00a0 Do you want to penetrate?\u00a0 Ask for consent again.<\/p>\n

If that\u2019s too graphic for you, just remember, this is 10th grade material.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So I looked up the\u00a0article referenced here<\/a> and it\u2019s Osborne<\/em> being graphic, not the article or<\/em> the teachers. There\u2019s nothing about penetration or breasts or details. Really. The article states that the children were taught \u201chow and why to make sure each step in a sexual encounter is met with consent,\u201d but that doesn\u2019t mean each step had to be outlined. Osborne seems to be the one with the fixation here.<\/p>\n

Osborne also seems to find all of this way more awkward than the students in the article. Sure, the students had lots of questions and were concerned about making sexual encounters awkward or breaking the flow of things. They didn\u2019t approach the issue with Osborne\u2019s horror. To the students it seemed to make sense, they just wanted to make sure they understood it.<\/p>\n

Anyway, Osborne explains that the teacher gave the students an assignment to come up with ways of asking for consent. Ultimately, the students came up with a way to do so in just two words: \u201cYou good?\u201d As Osborne discusses it:<\/p>\n

Two simple words: \u201cYou good?\u201d<\/p>\n

A boy is about to take the top off a girl:\u00a0 \u201cYou good?\u201d<\/p>\n

He touches\u00a0her underwear: \u201cYou good?\u201d<\/p>\n

Before kissing her body:\u00a0 \u201cYou good?\u201d<\/p>\n

Before taking her virginity \u2026 before losing his own, he asks: \u201cYou good?\u201d<\/p>\n

The answer is no. I\u2019m not good. You\u2019re not good. None of this is good. This is not what sex is for. This is not what love is for. We\u2019ve ruined it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I get that Osborne believes sex should be confined to marriage. I get that. What I\u2019m less clear on is his disgust with the very idea of consent. He advocates a no, no, no \/ yes, yes, yes dichotomy that makes sex wrong outside of marriage and right inside of marriage, thus (he believes) eliminating the need to even talk about consent. What this means for marital rape is horrifying to contemplate.<\/p>\n

I have been married for nearly a decade now. My husband and I have always valued consent. When we want to have sex, we communicate about that, and we accept a \u201cno\u201d from the other partner as the case may be. We get busy. We get tired. We have two children, jobs, and chores! The need for consent does not end at the altar\u2014not in the least.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s look at one last bit from Osborne\u2019s piece:<\/p>\n

One generation \u2026 two generations, have grown up in a culture where sex means practically nothing on TV and media, and so they\u2019ve actually embraced the idea that it means nothing in real life! \u00a0They\u2019ve heard the message and believed it: \u00a0\u201cSex is no big deal.\u201d \u00a0They feel totally inadequate and unfulfilled if they aren\u2019t having it.<\/p>\n

And we have done such a good job teaching that message, that now 1 in 5 women who attend college for four years say they\u2019ve been sexually assaulted.\u00a0 Or is it 1 in 7, like the authors of the study tried to clarify in\u00a0TIME Magazine<\/u>?\u00a0 Am I supposed to feel better about 1 in 7, as opposed to 1 in 5?\u00a0 Is that supposed to comfort me?<\/p>\n

Virtually every single major publication in our country, from\u00a0Sports Illustrated<\/u>\u00a0to the\u00a0New York Times<\/u>\u00a0has written extensively on the dangerous places that college campuses have become for young women.\u00a0 The violence of sex has become so undeniably prevalent in our culture that now governments feel they must act, they must do\u00a0something<\/u>\u00a0\u2013\u00a0ANYTHING<\/u>\u00a0\u2013 to teach young people\u00a0the one truth about sex that should be the most common, basic, intuitive part:\u00a0 it should be CONSENSUAL.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Think about that for a moment.\u00a0 We have so RUINED our image of sex that we now have to\u00a0PASS LAWS<\/em>\u00a0requiring teachers to explain to our children that\u00a0they must be sure someone wants to have sex<\/u>\u00a0before they go through with it.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Does Osborne think there wasn\u2019t premarital sex two generations ago? I\u2019m honestly curious! What\u2019s changing here isn\u2019t the rate of teenage sex\u2014that\u2019s actually going down\u2014but rather the rate of sexual assault. Osborne appears to believe that there has been a rise in sexual assault in the past two decades. I sincerely doubt that this is the case. There may have been a rise in reporting, but sexual assault took place in past generations whether people realized it or not.<\/p>\n

But now to the bigger question\u2014why shouldn\u2019t consent be the most common, basic, intuitive truth about sex? Yes, we should teach kids about contraception, and that they don\u2019t need to have sex as a right of passage, and that they shouldn\u2019t shame either virgins or the sexually active. Yes, we should teach kids about healthy relationship skills. But what is so horrifying about teaching children that consent<\/em> is the most important thing to remember about sex?<\/p>\n

Osborne says he has worked with youth in his position as pastor and that he believes that \u201cthe number 1 reason why children leave their homes and wreck their lives is a desire for sex that our culture has SCREAMED that they must have.\u201d I think Osborne is missing something here. The schools are no the same thing as media or other sex-saturated industry. Schools work to teach teens\u00a0about potential pitfalls, to inform them, to help them approach sex responsibly without<\/em> ruining their lives.<\/p>\n

Even if we decided that sex should only take place in marriage, as Osborne believes, teens would still<\/em> need to learn the importance of consent. Abusive marriages are far too common. Marital rape still happens. The idea that someone need only say \u201cyes\u201d once is terrifying. In a 1996 study of male college students, 50% did not believe it was possible<\/a> for a husband to rape his wife. Education in consent isn\u2019t just about premarital sex, whatever Osborne may think, and it sounds like something he still needs to learn.<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Even if we decided that sex should only take place in marriage, as Osborne believes, teens would still need to learn the importance of consent. Abusive marriages are far too common. Marital rape still happens. The idea that someone need only say “yes” once is terrifying. In a 1996 study of male college students, 50% did not believe it was possible for a husband to rape his wife. Education in consent isn’t just about premarital sex, whatever Osborne may think, and it sounds like something he still needs to learn.<\/p>\n

Click through to read more!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":30364,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,12],"tags":[242,105],"class_list":["post-30344","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feminism","category-purity","tag-rape","tag-sex-2"],"yoast_head":"\nObtaining Consent Doesn't End with Marriage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Even if we decided that sex should only take place in marriage, as Osborne believes, teens would still need to learn the importance of consent. Abusive marriages are far too common. Marital rape still happens. The idea that someone need only say "yes" once is terrifying. In a 1996 study of male college students, 50% did not believe it was possible for a husband to rape his wife. 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