Today we continue Michael Pearl\u2019s letter to his sons, which he includes toward the end of his\u00a0child-training manual. Last week we looked at the beginning of his letter, which centered on advice on picking out a wife who will serve you properly and not inconvenience or annoy you. Today we look at the next section, in which Michael begins to talk about being a good father.<\/p>\n
Now, I want to speak to you about being good fathers. While you are still young and unmarried, with no children, do what all of God\u2019s creatures do\u2013prepare the nest for their arrival. DON\u2019T PUT YOURSELF IN AN OCCUPATIONAL POSITION THAT WILL LEAVE YOU OUT OF POSITION TO BE A GOOD FATHER. Plan your life\u2019s trade so as to maximize your role as father. Fathers who become absorbed in their success in business will make lousy fathers. If you gain the whole world and lose your child\u2019s soul, what profit is it? Some workaholics will say they are doing it for their children\u2013providing security, a good education, etc. Why is it that the children of hard working, absent fathers never appreciate their sacrifice and even show disdain and contempt for their father\u2019s success? The reason is that the children are not fooled. They understand the father\u2019s absence to be lack of interest. They believe his career to be selfishly motivated. They see the father getting more satisfaction from his job than from their presence. Whether this be true or not, the results are the same. Business success always passes away. The children are eternal. The education your child will need cannot be purchased at a university. It is purchased by the father in the many hours spent doing things with the children.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I started this paragraph nodding\u2014the frequent emphasis on mothers as parents at the expense of the role of fathers in our society is a problem\u2014and finished it shaking my head. The over-generalizing is intense<\/em>. It\u2019s as though Michael believes he has read the mind of every child\u00a0with a father who works long hours. He hasn\u2019t. One person I know grew up with a father who was a doctor and, yes, as a result frequently absent, but we\u2019ve talked about this before, and there is no distain or contempt, no believe that his father was selfish\u00a0to choose such a career.<\/p>\nHis father\u2019s frequent absence while he was growing up did not affect him at all<\/em> in the way Michael claims here. I\u2019ve talked to others who feel the same way, including individuals with mothers who worked long hours.\u00a0This is a problem in all of the Pearls\u2019 works\u2014an overgeneralizing, an\u00a0assumption and assertion that everyone feels and thinks the way the Pearls\u00a0claim they do when that is simply not the case.<\/p>\nIt is absolutely true that Michael has hit on something that can be a real problem\u2014absent workaholic fathers who prefer the boardroom to the playroom. But even here, the problem is often related less to the hours themselves as to a lack of effort to get to know the child or engage with them when the parent is<\/em> at home. It\u2019s less the hours than the mentality.\u00a0Michael\u00a0is far too broad in his treatment: Not\u00a0every parent\u00a0who works long hours does so by choice\u2014consider parents working multiple jobs to make ends meet\u2014or remains disengaged and absent while at home.<\/p>\nOh, but Michael has a response to such an argument.<\/p>\n
The concept of \u201cquality\u201d time as opposed to \u201cquantity\u201d is a salve for the conscience of modern parents wrapped up in worldly pursuits. A scheduled hour of clinical like attention makes your \u201cquality time\u201d nothing more than the fulfillment of a business appointment\u2013a therapy session. It can be unreal and pretentious. Insincere attention to inconsequential matters cheapens fellowship. No time spent together can compare to that which is spent in real struggles to achieve common goals. A child will build self-worth, not by being the center of attention in idle chatter, but by actually conquering a real world need\u2013putting up a mail box, a clothes line, cutting the grass, bringing in firewood, washing windows, building a dog house, going on the father\u2019s job and being a real helper.<\/p>\n
Do you remember when Don Madill would come to work in our cabinet shop with his little two- or three-year-old son hanging around cleaning up sawdust or hammering a nail? There was no pretense or haste in that father-son relationship. Today, his sons are little men, secure in their role.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
The entire point of quality time is that it is not<\/em> unreal, pretentious, or insincere. Time spent connecting one-on-one with your child\u00a0is by definition\u00a0not<\/em> \u201cidle chatter.\u201d Look\u2014really look\u2014at what Michael is doing here:\u00a0He rejects\u00a0the idea of \u201cquality\u201d time versus \u201cquantity\u201d time and then mocks time spent talking with and connecting with your child in favor of time spent setting your child to chores. Yes, really!<\/p>\nOh certainly, a project done together, an errand run together, these things can be quality time. I\u2019m suddenly curious whether Michael knows that, actually\u2014he seems to conceptualize of quality time as being the equivalent of sitting and talking to a therapist, he describes it as insincere, and as being like a business appointment. But those things\u2014the projects and the errands\u2014do not automatically mean one is connecting with one\u2019s children. It is possible to run an errand with a child while distracted, almost not noticing that they\u2019re with you.<\/p>\n
Yesterday my younger child and I went on a walk, stopped for a snack along the way, and picked up some school supplies for my older daughter, before walking\u00a0back to the school to pick her up from her after school activity. My younger child and I\u00a0talked. We connected. We engaged. We spent quality time, just the two of us. But\u2014and I think this goes to the distinction between \u201cquality\u201d time and \u201cquantity\u201d time\u2014that time spent connecting\u00a0was intentional on my part. We could have run those errands in silence,\u00a0with no more interaction than strictly necessary.<\/p>\n
My kids know the difference. There are days when I oversee their homework after school, make supper, serve supper (myself distracted\u00a0by getting up for things I forgot, the kids eating and bolting), clean up (perhaps calling the kids back to help), and get the kids ready for bed only to have one or the other of the two declare \u201cbut I never got to spend\u00a0any time with you today, mom!\u201d They mean one-on-one, dedicated time, typically spent reading a book together, or talking about things that came up during the day. They mean time spent paying attention to them.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nAnd that, I suppose, is what Michael dismissively refers to as \u201cbeing the center of attention in idle chatter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The entire point of quality time is that it is not unreal, pretentious, or insincere. Time spent connecting one-on-one with your child is by definition not “idle chatter.” Look—really look—at what Michael is doing here: He rejects the idea of “quality” time versus “quantity” time and then mocks time spent talking with and connecting with your child in favor of time spent setting your child to chores. Yes, really! <\/p>\n
Click through to read more!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":34874,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[335],"class_list":["post-34810","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-to-train-up-a-child"],"yoast_head":"\n
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