Six Ways to Support and Challenge Those Who Leave Church<\/a>. The article is written by Michelle Van Loon, who writes that she considered leaving the church herself several years before, but never did. As someone who didn\u2019t actually leave, though, there are some things she never experienced. And it shows.<\/p>\nI grew up in a conservative evangelical home and church. Years later, while in college, I began to rethink many of my beliefs. My parents reacted badly. Very<\/em> badly. Their friends at the church quickly followed suit\u2014and then, so did some of those who were my age, whom I\u2019d grown up with in the church. I quickly disengaged with all of them. It hurt too damn much. I couldn\u2019t walk back into that church without a fight or flight response for years.<\/p>\nHere is what I needed\u2014space<\/em>. Room to breathe. Relationships that didn\u2019t<\/em> require shared religious beliefs. I needed people to care about me<\/em>\u2014wholly separate from religion. Unfortunately, this is not compatible with evangelical beliefs. The world is cast in terms of the saved and the unsaved; everyone is either a fellow believer or a project.<\/p>\nWith that background out of the way, let\u2019s look at Van Loon\u2019s recommendations for how churchgoers can \u201csupport and challenge\u201d individuals like me, who leave.<\/p>\n
\n1. Name the losses.<\/h5>\n
First, we have to recognize the loss we experience when someone leaves our church. Although it might be easier to simply ignore the departure, we\u2019re better off naming it. In many cases, it\u2019s appropriate to mark a person\u2019s departure in a \u201cstate of the church\u201d community meeting, congregational prayer time, or a small group setting. We have to publicly acknowledge that the body has lost someone who was part of the family. Rather than air dirty laundry or debate areas of disagreement with the leaver, we\u2019re better off embracing a spirit of lament.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Are you kidding<\/em> me? The absolute last<\/em> thing I needed was someone holding a meeting about me<\/em>. That is not space! And I\u2019m sorry, but I don\u2019t buy the whole \u201cspirit of lament\u201d line.<\/p>\nYou know why I don\u2019t buy it? Within evangelicalism, religious belief and church attendance are crucially important. If someone falls away from the church, they will go to hell to be tortured for eternity<\/em>. The in-group out-group aspect is strong<\/em>. You are either saved\u2014a fellow believer\u2014or damned\u2014a lost sinner.<\/p>\n\n2. Look in the mirror.<\/h5>\n
Leaders and sometimes congregants benefit from asking questions of leavers\u2014not unlike a company \u201cexit interview\u201d\u2014first to understand what happened and second to reflect on possible solutions. What does this leaver\u2019s exit tell us about what our congregation values and disdains? What do we need to pray about and ponder? And what can we do differently, if anything?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
What<\/em>. Perhaps if this is done in writing\u2014many of those who leave the church have been burned, and badly. Sitting down for an interview with those who burned us\u2014did I mention that adrenaline rush I got every time I entered my parents\u2019 church for years afterwards? They actually had me meet with the pastor; I was living with them at the time and didn\u2019t know how to set my foot down. The entire thing was beyond<\/em> painful.<\/p>\nIf a church was really willing to introspect about what they were doing wrong that might lead to people leaving\u2014or what they could do better and differently\u2014maybe<\/em>. But that is almost never the case. It\u2019s the person who leaves<\/em> who is wrong. And yes, Van Loon is trying to get churches to question that, and I\u2019m glad\u2014but I\u2019m really not sure jumping straight to exit interview, given most churches\u2019 current lack of introspection, is a good idea.<\/p>\n\n3. Communicate your unconditional love.<\/h5>\n
Although church leaders are called to pursue someone who\u2019s left a church, that responsibility also belongs to every single one of us who has a relationship with a leaver. However, this pursuit of relationship has to be free of agendas\u2014like trying to convince someone they need to return\u2014and premised instead on unconditional, Christlike love.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
This is part of the problem. I don\u2019t want to be \u201cpursued.\u201d I want people to have a relationship with me because they genuinely like hanging out with me. Part of this goes back to the nature of evangelicalism\u2014you can\u2019t really have neutral relationships. Either your relationship is built on shared evangelical beliefs, or the other person is a project\u2014someone you need to lead to Christ and bring into the church.<\/p>\n
Christianity Today<\/em> often publishes articles about things like evangelizing your neighbors. The thing is, I want my neighbors to want to get to know me because they genuinely want to know their neighbors, not<\/em> to try to sell me on something. This is a problem with evangelicalism itself, inherent in its basic structure and belief system.<\/p>\nNow yes, Van Loon says your \u201cpursuit of relationship\u201d should be \u201cfree of agendas\u201d\u2014but she also says it should be premised on \u201cunconditional, Christlike love.\u201d What exactly is Christlike love? It\u2019s not just ordinary love. It\u2019s something different. Otherwise why not just say \u201cdon\u2019t unfriend someone for leaving your church, keep up with them anyway\u201d?<\/p>\n
Your love for a person should not be contingent on them attending the same church you do; the fact that Van Loon feels the need to actually say this<\/em> reveals the magnitude of the problem.<\/p>\n\n4. Wear sackcloth and ashes.<\/h5>\n
When someone leaves the church, it\u2019s sometimes easy to embrace an \u201cus-them\u201d attitude where there are winners and losers. However, we\u2019re most attractive to those lurking near the exit door (or on the other side) when we curb this impulse toward triumphalism or battle-minded pride.<\/p>\n
Instead, we\u2019re called to learn from leavers and follow the scriptural call to humility. Choosing a humble posture toward God, one another, and the world around us is part of our obedience to him. Humility also serves as a welcome mat for those outside the church and, for that matter, those on the inside, as well.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
I\u2019m not sure I can find fault with more humility, so I\u2019ll give this one a pass. I am so on board for more humility, and less self-righteous judgement.<\/p>\n
\n5. Listen first, then speak.<\/h5>\n
We may mean well when we rush in to try to fix a leaver\u2019s hurt or quell their doubt, but lurking just beneath that motivation is our desire to silence the discomfort we may be feeling at their words or actions. Jesus had some strong words for those who got in the way of his work in the life of another: \u201cIf anyone causes one of these little ones\u2014those who believe in me\u2014to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea\u201d (Matt. 18:6\u20137).<\/p>\n
Although we typically apply these verses to young children, the principle extends to each one of us. By practicing compassionate, active listening, we help create a safe path back to renewed connection with God and the church. Most of us have experienced some hurt or doubt of our own, and these scars, too, can serve a redemptive purpose in shaping our listening response to leavers.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Listen, Van Loon says\u2014so that you can bring the leaver to \u201crenewed connection with God.\u201d<\/em> Not listen, because they\u2019re your friend. Not listen, because their story matters. Nope\u2014listen, so that you can fix them. To be sure, if I\u2019d felt listened to instead of talked at, I might not have leaved as quickly as I did. Or, I might have stopped at a different point in my journey. This still rubs me wrong, though; the listening has such a specific and overt purpose.<\/p>\n\n6. When appropriate, ask hard questions.<\/h5>\n
To borrow the language of Ecclesiastes 3, there is a time to listen, but there is also a time to speak. As I was standing at the exit door of the church, a couple of courageous friends were willing to \u201cgo there\u201d with me, gently challenging me to recognize the bitterness I\u2019d been cultivating toward a couple of former pastors. My friends saw past my self-defensiveness and anger and in so doing helped me to move toward forgiveness of those who\u2019d violated my trust.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Oh okay so you should<\/em> also call out those leaving. Cool.<\/p>\nTo the extent that Van Loon is advising churches to ask what they<\/em> did wrong rather than acting as though those who leave<\/em> have done wrong, I\u2019m all for it. There is much that Van Loon says here that churches could stand to benefit from hearing\u2014that might improve the experiences of those leaving\u2014but her entire approach is still based in churchiness.<\/p>\nOf course, her approach pretty much had<\/em> to be based in churchiness. She\u2019s writing in Christianity Today<\/em>. She\u2019s an evangelical. Her goal is to get people into the church and make sure they stay there. She wants people saved. But as someone who left and is no longer Christian, her treatment here doesn\u2019t feel as different from the profoundly negative church leaving experience I went though as she may think. She can\u2019t look past her religious beliefs to see just people<\/em>.<\/p>\nThis isn\u2019t on Van Loon. What she\u2019s written here is probably the best she could do, within the evangelical system of beliefs, and some of what she says is<\/em> good. Still, it doesn\u2019t go far enough to fully understand and effectively respond to the experiences of those who leave. And, importantly, it still centers friendships around religious beliefs.<\/p>\nPerhaps I sound overly picky. What is it I want?<\/em>\u00a0What would I<\/em> tell churchgoers regarding those who leave? I would advise them to understand and accept that people who leave have a variety of legitimate reasons, and that returning to that church (or any church) may not be what is best for them or their journey. I would tell them that they should remain friends with those who leave\u2014that they should get together with them in other contexts, not to bring them back, but because friendships (and friends) matter. Don\u2019t bring up church choice. Just be friends<\/em>.<\/p>\nAnd if they\u2019re concerned about their church membership going down, I\u2019d encourage them to think about why people are leaving and what they could do to attract people\u2014to evaluate things like times of services, programs available, and service opportunities\u2014and implement those changes. That could mean asking someone who has left why they stopped attending\u2014but it might also mean asking someone else what would induce them to begin attending church.<\/p>\n
Some people don\u2019t attend church because they do not believe, but for everyone in that category I\u2019d guess that there are two or three who do identify as Christian but don\u2019t feel churches in their current form meet their needs.<\/p>\n
Scholars of religious studies have argued that one reason Christianity has held on so much tighter in the U.S. than in other western nations is that the U.S. has not had an established church, leaving churches and denominations to rise and fall on their ability to attract voluntary members. If a church does not attract people, it will shrink and, ultimately, die. It is in that vein that Van Loon\u2019s focus on why<\/em> people leave a church is helpful.<\/p>\nMe, though? I am no longer religious. No amount of new programs or changed church times will bring me into a church that requires belief in things I don\u2019t believe. Perhaps that, too, is something Van Loon is missing\u2014leavers vary. Some leave because they were burned by a specific church, but still believe. Some who believe leave because their needs are not being met. And others leave because (for a variety of reasons) they no longer believe.<\/p>\n
What about you? If you grew up in the church but left, why did you leave? How did your church (and family) respond when you left? What\u2014if anything\u2014would bring you back? In your opinion, what does Van Loon get right\u2014and where does she come short?<\/p>\n
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Click through to read more!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":34968,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,40],"tags":[99],"class_list":["post-34965","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-atheism","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","tag-church-2"],"yoast_head":"\n
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