{"id":36380,"date":"2018-04-23T04:22:13","date_gmt":"2018-04-23T08:22:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/admin.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/?p=36380"},"modified":"2018-04-23T04:22:13","modified_gmt":"2018-04-23T08:22:13","slug":"answers-in-genesis-careful-wayward-adult-children-are-contagious","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/lovejoyfeminism\/2018\/04\/answers-in-genesis-careful-wayward-adult-children-are-contagious.html","title":{"rendered":"Answers in Genesis: Be Careful, Wayward Adult Children Are Contagious"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>
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I grew up on Answers in Genesis and then I lost my faith, so when I came upon an Answers in Genesis article titled \u201cLeaving Home \u2026 And God<\/a>,\u201d I knew I had to read it.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

Too many pillows are soaked by the tears of parents who have tried to be consistent, to keep their kids in church, and to raise them in obedience to God\u2019s Word, only to see them leave home, leave church, and leave God.\u00a0<\/span>It hurts.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So, do you know what else hurts? Watching your parents go through anguish over your spiritual decisions and feeling utterly and completely helpless.<\/p>\n

This is a theme I\u2019ve noticed in Christian articles for parents of children who have left the faith: they only recognize one side of the pain. Let me tell you\u2014feeling like you are losing your parent<\/em> because they cannot come to terms with you making different decisions about religion is\u00a0excruciating<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And no, \u201cjust go back to their religion\u201d is not the answer, because that is not how this works, particularly when we\u2019re talking about a religion like evangelicalism that is beliefs-based. This isn\u2019t the sort of thing where you can recite some prayers and go through some actions and they\u2019ll be happy again. It\u2019s about what you believe,<\/em> inside.<\/p>\n

Rand Hummel, the author of this Answers in Genesis article, draws on a series of verses from Jude to inform his three-part analysis of how parents should respond when their children leave the faith. Here is the first:<\/p>\n

\n

Some Are Playing with Fire and Must Be Warned<\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd have mercy on some, who are doubting\u201d (Jude 22<\/a><\/cite>, NASB).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

You must show mercy to those whose faith is wavering.\u00a0<\/span>Show the same mercy and compassion that God has shown you.\u00a0<\/span>Hear them out.\u00a0<\/span>Tell them why you believe what you believe rather than demanding blind allegiance.\u00a0<\/span>It is especially vital to help them see the flaws in the secularist reasoning that surrounds them. Solomon said, \u201cMy son, give me your heart\u201d (Proverbs 23:26<\/a><\/cite>).\u00a0<\/span>If you don\u2019t have the heart of your children, you will never impact their lives.\u00a0<\/span>Go on a vacation and take time to win back their hearts.\u00a0<\/span>Through their times of doubt, they need patient listeners and biblical direction.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This sounds<\/em> great, but in practice it doesn\u2019t always work out that way. The problem is that because of the pain Hummel already mentioned, parents can\u2019t always effectively initiate this process. It\u2019s too easy for the child (of whatever age) to tell what the stakes are, which makes the conversation uncomfortable (if not impossible) from the outset.<\/p>\n

When I began questioning some of my parents\u2019 beliefs\u2014starting with young earth creationism\u2014my questions caused them so much pain that they could not talk about it.\u00a0I\u2019m not sure I could have talked about my questions with them even if they could have engaged in a conversation, because I could tell how upset they were, and that<\/em> hurt.<\/p>\n

I think it also matters that I was raised in a home that required immediate and complete obedience. When I began questioning, I was still new enough to adulthood that my parents still felt like authority figures. That meant that conversations couldn\u2019t<\/em> be equal, with true give and take. Asserting myself even in small ways, when I knew they were extremely upset with me, was like grinding gears.<\/p>\n

Also, it\u2019s not generally a good idea to go into a relationship assuming you can change someone. That\u2019s not how give and take works. \u201cHear them out\u201d doesn\u2019t mean anything if you\u2019re not willing to actually listen<\/em> and consider their perspective.<\/p>\n

Ah, but we\u2019re not done, are we?<\/p>\n

\n

Some Are Falling into the Fire and Must Be Helped<\/h4>\n

\u201cSave others, snatching them\u00a0out\u00a0<\/span>of the fire\u201d (Jude 23a<\/a><\/cite>, NASB).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Until kids are 18, you have the opportunity to put as many restraints and reminders in their paths as you can.\u00a0<\/span>They may hate you for it at the time, but they will thank you later.\u00a0<\/span>Don\u2019t be afraid to lovingly limit their entertainment, filter their computers, or question the foolishness of their friends.\u00a0<\/span>Our fear of God and our love for our kids should motivate us to rescue them from even the possibility of God\u2019s judgment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Um \u2026 let\u2019s just say that I\u2019ve known multiple cases where something like this happened, and it did not go well<\/em>. And no,<\/em> the individuals involved did not<\/em> thank their parents later.<\/p>\n

I wonder if part of the problem here is the category questioning religion is being put in here. There are circumstances where it absolutely might be merited to put the controls in on a teenager\u2014say, if they\u2019re abusing drugs or into petty crime\u2014but them questioning their faith is not one of them, and honestly, censorship isn\u2019t going to make them for questioning your beliefs is not going to make them think any better of your beliefs.<\/p>\n

(For the record, I\u2019d want to talk to some experts before putting the controls down on a teen for drugs or criminal behavior, because even there<\/em> I\u2019m not sure how much external control actually helps. You can put a vase a two-year-old won\u2019t stop knocking over in the top kitchen cupboard and have done with it, but teenagers are not two years old.)<\/p>\n

Finally, Hummel offers this:<\/p>\n

\n

Some Are Being Burned by the Fire and Must Be Committed to the Lord\u2019s Grace<\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh\u201d (Jude 23b<\/a><\/cite>, NASB).\u00a0<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

EVEN IF YOUR KIDS HAVE LEFT HOME, THEY ARE NEVER OUT OF GOD\u2019S REACH.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Even if your kids have left home, they are never\u00a0out\u00a0<\/span>of God\u2019s reach.\u00a0<\/span>When you pray, make sure God is the object of your faith.\u00a0<\/span>If He can change the heart of a king, He can change the heart of your child.\u00a0<\/span>Release your kids into His care to do whatever is necessary for them to be reconciled to Him\u2014whatever is necessary.\u00a0<\/span>Be careful not to fund their sin, soften God\u2019s chastising hand, or rescue them\u00a0out\u00a0<\/span>of the pigsty.\u00a0<\/span>And always guard your own relationship with Christ against contamination.\u00a0<\/span>As Bible commentator William Barclay notes, \u201cHe who would cure an infectious disease always runs the risk of infection.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I was okay until I got to those last few sentences!<\/em> We\u2019ll come back to those in a moment.<\/p>\n

The bit about releasing your kids to God and praying for them is the one redeeming bit here. It\u2019s what I wanted my own parents to do. I knew that I could not control my parents\u2019 belief that I would go to hell if I were not saved any more than they could control my questioning. I wanted someone to remind them that God is in control and God is sovereign and all you can do is pray.<\/em><\/p>\n

But then there\u2019s the contamination<\/em> and infectious disease<\/em> bit, come to spoil the party. What does that mean,<\/em> exactly? Is atheism contagious?<\/em><\/p>\n

I do have one point of reference. When my parents found out I was questioning things their first response was \u201cwhat are we going to tell the other kids?\u201d I had younger siblings, you see. That comment was like a punch in the gut. It made me feel exactly like the picture Hummel is painting here\u2014contagious. Dangerous<\/em>. Something that needs to be kept at an arm\u2019s length.<\/p>\n

Funny, I don\u2019t remember Jesus refusing to go near lepers or sinners for fear of contagion<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Anyway, Hummel offers this final paragraph:<\/p>\n

Even the best parents will make mistakes, but in the end our children are responsible for their own choices.\u00a0<\/span>We can prepare our kids for judgment, but they will kneel alone before God.\u00a0<\/span>The only perfect Father is our heavenly Father, yet consider how we treat Him.\u00a0<\/span>\u201cLord, we need Your mercy for our kids and ourselves.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Um.<\/p>\n

Hummel suggests that parents compare the relationship between them and their children to the relationship between God and them<\/em>. I understand what he\u2019s trying to do\u2014he\u2019s trying to suggest that the parents in this scenario fall short of God\u2019s desires for them too, and God is a perfect<\/em> parent, so they shouldn\u2019t be too terribly hard on their kids for failing their<\/em> desires for them<\/em>\u2014but this, too, feels off.<\/p>\n

Parents are not in the place of God in their children\u2019s lives. Look, in general I\u2019m pretty much okay with talking about God as father and encouraging parents to be as forgiving and loving toward their children as God is to them (although that really depends on exactly what they believe about God), I get that that\u2019s a metaphor and metaphors can be helpful to understanding our place in the world.<\/p>\n

But this isn\u2019t in general.<\/p>\n

Here we\u2019re talking not about parents disappointing children (i.e. parents striving to be more like a loving God construct toward their children), we\u2019re talking about children disappointing their parents<\/em>\u2014and the parents in this scenario being compared with God\u2014when we\u2019re talking about beliefs<\/em>. This isn\u2019t about one of your teens staining your couch after you told them not to eat on it.<\/p>\n

Adult children\u2019s disobedience to their parents is being equated with their people\u2019s disobedience to God\u2014and that makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps\u00a0Hummel\u2019s readers will focus more on the bit about praying and releasing your young adult children to God than on this, or the part about contagion, polluted garments, and infections disease.<\/p>\n

I mean, I can hope, right?<\/p>\n

I have a <\/b>Patreon<\/b><\/a>! Please support my writing!<\/b><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Right when things were going so well Hummel had to jump in with the “don’t fund their sin” and “don’t soften God’s chastening hand” and “don’t rescue them out of the pigsty.” That pigsty mention is definitely a reference to the story of the Prodigal Son. The idea, I think, is that the Prodigal Son had to come home on his own, but the way Hummel phrases it just feels off.<\/p>\n

Click through to read more!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":845,"featured_media":36386,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,40],"tags":[147],"class_list":["post-36380","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-atheism","category-evangelicalism-fundamentalism","tag-answers-in-genesis"],"yoast_head":"\nAnswers in Genesis: Be Careful, Wayward Adult Children Are Contagious<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I find myself hoping that Hummel's readers will focus more on the bit about praying and releasing your young adult children to God than on the part about contagion, polluted garments, and infections disease.\u00a0\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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